It's Complicated! Part 5

[glamgirl]

Thanks Naej for posting. You are right.

I had plans with the kids today. H called while we were out. I didn't realize he had called until I arrived home hours later. H was still at our home.

When we arrived I asked h how is everything? He said you don't care. I said sure I do h. Then he said sarcasticly, thanks for calling me back. I said sorry h, didn't realize I missed your call until you just said something.

It was already 3pm when we left and since it was so late, I really didn't think h was coming by.

We ate some chips and salsa and I read the paper with h. Later I asked him if it would be an issue if I started to take the kids to church in the evening. Now he still holds this against me from 7 years ago, that I wanted to bring God into our kids lives, so in me asking him I didn't want this to be an issue again.

Now I have asked h over and over if he wanted to go to church of his choice and over and over he said no. Now he has brought this up in C how angry he is that I didn't take the kids to his church. He says he is so angry he can't even talk about it, but yet when I mention going he doesn't want to NOW. Well h said not a problem, so I have found a church around the corner that we will start going to. I did ask h if he was interested in going with us, he said NO. I said is that a no for now as well as for the future and he said no for the future too.

H's job has ended and mine will end at the end of next month. I asked h if he had any issue putting the house up for sale. He said NOT at all. I was once so tied to the house and would have done anything to try to keep it. Now it means nothing to me. I was a little suprised that h acted very non-chalant about selling. It was as if he didn't really care. I guess he is not tied to the house, since he really left only about a week after we moved in and never lived here with me and the kids.

I realize all the things that were so important to me in this world mean nothing to me now. The house represented a family and M to me and that never was the case the past 3 years. It now represents an emptiness and brokeness now that s20 is gone and also a financial burden since we will both be out of work.

Not sure where I will be going or what I will be doing, but look forward to newness. It seems my h has been progressing, but not so sure he has what it takes to make his way home. Not trying to be pessimistic but realize it takes a great soul to do the work that is required to build a m back from failure and I am not getting the feeling my h is really interested in being M or just being the part time h that he is now.

I realize though I need to forge on for me and the kids and not wait for my h to announce "honey I am home". When h left this evening he gave me a nice hug goodbye. It was a different kind of hug, as if he wanted to say Glam I am sorry we didn't work out, at least that is the feeling I thought I got.

I have been looking for places to live and am excited about the prospects. I thought I would be sad, but actually the opposite and look forward to breaking the bonds of my past gloom and doom over the last 3 years.

The sad part is that a mere 3 years ago h and I were moving into our home and then pouf it was all over and he has never returned or really looked back. It's hard for me to look at our lives that way, but that is reality.

It might be different if he stayed some nights and spent more time getting to know me again and was trying to work his way back, but the other night he couldn't wait to get out of here as if someplace else was so much more important. It was as if he was having an anxiety attack if he stayed in our home past midnight. It just felt weird to me. I just knew at that moment, we really were not what h is interested in.

H would say over and over Glam I will never be the person you want me to be. I see that now. It's not a bad thing, it's just that h and I grew in different directions. We didn't want the same things in life nor did we have the same goals.

As far as communication, I do believe that was our biggest hurdle. My h always would make decisions without discussing with me and he felt that was acceptable. Then when I would want to discuss he would say forget it what's the point it's already in the past, without ever allowing me to understand why he did the things he did or why we couldn't have discussed before hand. That has always been a road block for us and still is today.

Naej thanks for the reminder that some never actually reach the finish line. That is what I have been feeling in my heart. If my h wanted to reach the finish line, he would have done so a long time ago.

I have been praying and asking God for direction and feel that this is where I should be going. It's not like my h is saying hey Glam wait a minute here. I want to come back home and be a family. When I mentioned selling the house, it was like go ahead, as if he could really care less. That is the vibe I got from my h, not sure if I read him wrong.

I hold nothing against my h. We in my opinion had a great M, but it was short lived. I only wish that my h could have that opinion too, but all things happen for a reason. I just don't know the reason yet for my situation.

Thanks all for listening to my heart and mind.