still sane (keeping my sanity follow-on)

[hope3343]

Lately I feel like a failure as a Mom. Have been trying to do all the right things with D15, taking her to counselor, doctor for headaches, soccer practices, trying to spend time with her in between her friends but there is such a void here without H.

H and I used to balance each other for D15 but now everything is out of whack. I can't balance alone, and I can't be both to her. I know he is in the fog and is with plastic pinata but to be out of her life so completely and just say "oh she does not want to see me".

Last week we saw a small young dog at an adoption and D15 really wanted to bring her home. We already have a dog but I know this house is lonely for her with just the 2 of us rambling around so I told her we would go get it. Well went down and they adopted it after I told the shelter we were coming to pick it up. She was heartbroken. We looked around at others but we both liked the little girl we found. D15 came home and fell asleep at 7:30. Maybe she was hoping this dog would replace her Dad;s love, as sad as that sounds. She is looking at a dog to replace her father's love and H has replaced my love with a pig.

I was supposed to go to a friend's house from work with members of her church to watch some movie and have pizza. I canceled. I know I am supposed to keep working on myself. But there is only so much of me to give. I need to support my D and there is not much more for myself. I do keep up with the gym during the week but these weekends, oh God these weekends are tough.

After 6 months of H not living here I would think it would get easier but it seems tougher these days. I feel like I am grieving him but he is not dead. There is no cemetery to visit, no headstone with his name, no flowers to leave. He is alive and well and we are the ones that die a little each day. I know he is in a fog, I see it but how can he be so cruel to do this to us. I see it everyday. I keep praying.