Just missing you guys a little!

[Amy M]

((((Tawnya and Sam))))) Thanks for the kind words. I hurt so much for all the kids caught up in these tragedies. It seems too early for mine to be learning that life's not fair, ya know?

Oh, Sandi...I promise that God sent you specifically to watch over me. I've had a tough time the past couple of days, and it always helps to read your posts and be reminded that God's looking out for me and the boys even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it. And, I do thank Him for sending you to me everyday!!!

Today's little man's birthday. And, I don't get to be with him, and what's worse, is that I think she's with him today.

Yesterday I leave work a little early to come home and pack the boys clothes for next week. They will be with my mom and dad all week for Spring Break, and then, I'll meet them at my Grandmother's next weekend for Easter.

So, I get home and there's a note on the door from the sheriff's office referencing a "paper #9968" and H's name. So, I'm puzzled, and I call the office. The woman says that she has a child support petition for H. I say, "From Amy?" She says, "No. From..." H's first ex-wife! Wow!!! That's weird. He pays very little child support for a child from a first marriage that lasted about 7 months. For a while after we married, we tried to establish an R with the son, but he suffers from CP so we really needed cooperation from his mom. But, his mom is a nut case. And, I don't say that lightly. On two occasions she accused us of abusing him, and we were investigated. In both cases, we were cleared and in fact, after the first investigation, we were asked to take custody of the child. We did for about 3 months before she made a stink about wanting him back. After the 2nd investigation, I told her that I couldn't risk losing my children because of false accusations. I told her that I would be glad to participate in supervised visitation if she would set that up. She never did, and she ended up moving away because "you aren't helping me enough."

H is not really interested in maintaining the R with her or the son, so, he hasn't made any effort. I tried for a while, but she made it almost impossible. At any rate, last year she got remarried and had another baby. She petitioned for more CS then, but her case was thrown out because she didn't submit her paperwork. So, apparently now, she's gotten her ducks in a row.

So, H comes to get the boys clothes, and I give him the card and tell him what it's about. He says, "GREAT." I said, "Tell me about it. I'm 3 days too late." Because theoretically, my CS will be reduced if he has to pay her more...and my papers aren't filed yet...Tuesday's my day.

So, he says, "Nope. You are okay." I take that to mean that he's going to pay me what's already in my papers...I'm sure once he thinks about it a little (and once he and OW discuss it), he'll change his mind. But, not much I can do about that now! Or maybe he's so anxious to get away from me that he'll pay the money to avoid the delay.

So, I ask him what time I can call today to talk to little man. He says (without looking at me), "We are going out on the boat. So, call around 9:00." I say okay. And, I hug my babies...and little man says, "I'm gonna miss you so much, Mommy." And, I say, "Me too! But, I'll call you every day."

Then I did lots of baby shower prep stuff. This morning I was in WalMart at 9:00, so I was going to wait to call until I got to the car. A few minutes after 9:00, S7 calls. I ask him if he sang Happy Birthday to S4 yet and he says, "Nope. We are gonna do that when we get to the island." And, then it occurred to me that the reason H wouldn't look at me last night when he told me about going on the boat is that he's taking OW, and they've planned a party on the beach for my baby. So, S7 and I sing Happy Birthday, and I talk to them both a minute and then H gets on the phone, and I'm crying by now, and I just say, "Please use more sunscreen on him this time, and please give him love for me." And, he says (all chipper in tone), "We'll do."

And, then I think as I hang up the phone, that I really might hate him! And, I don't want to, but I'm having a hard time right now. He's stolen my babies from me, and that's soooo unfair. I was a good wife...a very good wife. I wasn't perfect. There are certainly things I would have done differently. But, I was good enough to deserve a chance to fix things before he decided to screw around with some OW who wants to be part of my kids' family.

I've been busy all day getting ready and giving the shower. I might go out tonight with some girls I don't know that well who invited me to "party" with them, or I might just stay home, rent a sappy movie, and have a good cry. And, this minute, I'm leaning towards the latter.

I was telling Tawnya the other day that I thought I had likely not dealt with all the anger that would be reasonable to feel in my sitch. I know God made my heart big. I've been praying to forgive H (and OW) for a long time now. Maybe, God's taken the anger away, or, maybe (and this seems more likely), I've just buried it underneath a lot of activity and a smile.

Sandi, please keep praying for me. I think there's still a lot of hard times to come. And, while I'm doing very well, and I certainly attribute that to my faith and God's love for me, I still have a long way to go on this road to "whole again."

I hope that you are feeling good these days...I pray for that for you too.

Hugs and much, much love to you!

Amy