I really try not to go down the same path again, but disappointment builds up and all the little things he does are "lost" in the plethora of other things he doesnt.
Julia, I had come to terms with being alone very single afternoon of my life, having no social life, being a father and monther for my kids for the last 6 years before the separation. That is why I didnt miss him "physically", I missed the idea of being his wife and of my life the way I was faking it to be. So, if he would be home at 22:00 every other day would be "enough". I am used to that. I am used to spending birthdays, anniversaries, going to weddings, for lunch, etc etc on my own.
I was used to watch him leave our home on Sunday when we had people over for lunch and be left behind to entertain our guests, clean up, put our kids to bed, feeling sorry for him because he had to work.
I was used to taking our kids to ER by myself and have him meet me there an hour later. I used to go grocery shopping with a 1yr old and a 2 yrs old and bring bags of groceries back carrying both babies, thinking this was what I was supposed to be doing...
I dont want him to quit his job. He would be unhappy. But I am unhappy now. So, I feel he is killing, slowly but surely our last chance. Right now, all he has left working to his favor is my kids' love for him and the fact that I am tired. Also, my dad's sitch makes me think he, my dad, would feel better seeing us "together". Not much else. K
He didnt call tonight. And I know it is because he feels guilty and ashamed. Because he is working today to the one job to make up for the days he was away with his other job. And as I told him last week, he puts no energy to find ways to make up to us for the days he is working.
