Q: If H hates (finds offensive, mind-numbing, "beneath" our intelligence) a couple of "junk food" TV programs that I like to watch each week, should I stop? Is it a turn-off?
Personal opinion: No. Such differences in taste are what make each of you unique.
Disclaimer: Not being LD, I have no idea what is a turn off for LD men.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Q: If H hates (finds offensive, mind-numbing, "beneath" our intelligence) a couple of "junk food" TV programs that I like to watch each week, should I stop? Is it a turn-off?
If you stopped, would that be an example of "self-presentation" or "self-disclosure"?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
But then I also thought that I really don't care that much about the shows. They are just frivolous indulgences, and my M is obviously way more important to me.
Was just wondering if something like me watching shows he hates wasn't *helping* my situation.
But then I also thought that I really don't care that much about the shows. They are just frivolous indulgences, and my M is obviously way more important to me.
Was just wondering if something like me watching shows he hates wasn't *helping* my situation.
No big deal, I suppose.
I just had to chip in here. Its frequently the case that the HD spouse in a SSM will start thinking of all the things they can do that would "please" their LD spouse, hopefully ensuring that they are "in the mood" more often...! Woah. Slow down. Stop.
(1) If he "hates" these shows - that's his problem.
(2) If you want to watch them - watch them. We all need our indulgences, "frivolous" or otherwise.
(3) Maybe you watching these shows that he "hates" (his problem) isn't helping bring the sex back. But I entirely fail to see how dropping them all of a sudden is going to help. What? - he isn't f*cking you, because of the TV programmes you watch? WTF? See? When you actually break it down, it doesn't make any sense at all.
(4) Its not just men that can fall into the "Too Nice" syndrome of doing everything to please and placate their spouse. Do not fall into it - it will only make things worse.
(5) Forget this notion that giving things up, making sacrifices, results in a better marriage or sex life. Frequently, the result of a succession of "no big deals" is in fact a great deal of resentment. Your marriage is actually not more important than YOU (whoever YOU is).
(6) In conclusion, watch the damn shows, don't watch them, make YOUR choice. But don't give 'em up in order to mould yourself in the shape of your perception of his approval, thinking this will "help" the marriage.
Now if you'll excuse me - I gotta get back to Baywatch.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
I'd like to give more of a frame to my initial question. I know it was a brief post.
Aside from spending years of wanting not to want, I have tried to be authentic and honest in my marriage. I haven't tried to change myself too much to become "something else" in hopes of enticing my H. Exercise, dressing well, make-up, and other self care was done for me and for him. It didn't hurt when self care made others turn their heads, too.
I have, however, been working on bringing my sexual side forward a bit more. This is a good step in improving me for myself, and I am working on this in an effort to be more authentic (that is, to show my desire rather than bury it or ignore it).
I agree that it is H's problem that he hates the shows. I've watched them despite his condemnation of them for a couple of years now. It has gotten to the point of him sitting with me, watching them, but he huffs and puffs throughout the entire show. He is seriously offended by the people on the reality shows and by the TV networks that produce them.
Because he is so offended by the shows, and has stated his disbelief that I would spend my time watching such garbage, I was thinking that he can't possibly have desire when they are on.
I was putting the shows in the same light as frumpy sweatpants. It would take little effort to stop watching the shows, just as it takes little effort to wear something other than frumpy, lumpy, dumpy mommy clothes. Not much sacrifice there.
I wonder what the ultimate reference, Cosmopolitan Magazine, would say. ; )
*Sigh*
Just trying to leave no stone unturned in my quest to be a better me and a better wife.
The Cinco household solution, for the last 7 or so years, has been to have two viewing rooms. If there is a show that I like and that W does not like (she hates sci-fi stuff for instance), she goes to viewing room 'B' and watches whatever she like in there and visa versa. There are many things we enjoy together in the 'A' viewing room.
It really has taken the pressure off of being forced to watch something that one just cannot stomach. Now if the 20-year-old 25" set would just go ahead and die in viewing room 'B' we could upgrade it to HD as well.
I agree with S&A watch what you like or not regardless of how it shapes (or not) your relationship. We are all after all individuals with different tastes.
I'm not officially here today, but wanted to chime in on this one as you really made me smile here in thinking about this in my relationship...
My M and I do enjoy many common shows and movies, but we also each have tastes for other things that the other doesn't like. When I first met him, I did find that some of the things he was watching seemed "weird" to me, and it actually did make me think "hmmm...if he likes THAT, what does that mean about HIM?"
As for the things I watch that he crinkles his nose at, I'm sure he felt the same at first. "Why would an intelligent woman be watching THAT?"
But over time...we both have come to actually *understand* more about each other via the shows we watch that are not in common. And I found that really studying the *why* behind *why* he liked certain shows actually impressed me and made me more and more curious about his mind and his thoughts. I have now come to really appreciate the things he watches where I once questioned his character based on them. Which now makes me feel bad, like who was I to judge so him quickly? I didn't watch these shows so how would I even really know what they were all about? I made assumptions without really knowing, but now that he has explained what is behind his enjoyment of them, I *get* something that I didn't *get* before. He feels the same about some of the things I watch. We get to learn not only about each other, but also about new art and entertainment forms.
One great example of this is the Summer Olympics. We have been through 2 Olympics now in our relationship. He is an athlete, but surprisingly had never really watched the Olympics before in his life. I am also an athlete, but I really only enjoy watching gymnastics (my former sport) so all my whole life, I have waited 4 years at a time to watch JUST the gymnastics at Olympics time. And I would tape anything I missed during work. I was always so happy to see what has happened since the last Olympics (the sport changes so much over the years).
Anyway, when the first Olympics of our relationship were on, I was all excited and was checking the schedules for the gymnastics, and he was just curiously watching me, having no clue what I was actually excited about. He respects gymnastics (and all athletes) but he hadn't really ever sat down and watched it before then. When I made plans around when gymnastics was going to be on, he found that unless he wanted to watch them with me, he was not included in my plans. That made him really curious, so he sat and watched them with me...and that first time he did, he was so enthralled with the beauty and athleticism that he became hooked immediately. He then watched it whenever possible that year!
The next Olympics that came around, HE was the one checking the schedule and saying "honey, we can't do anything the next 3 nights in a row because the finals are on!!"
He said that he would go to work and talk to people about gynmastics on the Olympics the next day (mostly to the guys), and they would be like "Gynmastics? Why do you watch that? I only watch track and field and boxing." And then he remembered HIMSELF saying similar things in the past! So what started as him thinking "what's the big deal with her wanting to watch this" ended up being "wow, I'm hooked on gymnastics, and now all my friends think I'm whipped!"
I am so glad that neither of us stopped watching what we like, because we both actually learned some really interesting things about each other and about the world. We are expanding our minds as we learn about each other's minds.
And as far as reality shows...I had to chuckle too at the fact that you were so offended by your H and the GGW thing, but now he is so offended by the reality shows you enjoy! To me, they are both in the same vein....silly, entertainment only, not to be taken too seriously, and highly offensive to many! LOL!
(don't take that wrong hun...I'm not making a slam about your views on the GGW at all. not really comparing "your" shows to "that filth"....just the over all observation made me chuckle!)
One of the guilty pleasures Mr. DQ and I shared was (drum roll....very embarassing that I even enjoyed this but...) FLAVOR OF LOVE. We both really got into the first couple of season, for reasons which I can't really explain or defend. We both felt like we had just drank a quart of kool-aid and ate 15 pixie sticks after watching it. You know? Like you are kinda sick to your stomach, but all the sugar really was fun at the time! LOL! And then when New York, one of the characters, moved on to her own show, we followed her (and her insane boob job) on to her next endeavors. We never laughed harder together, either! It was the source of hours of entertainment even when we weren't watching because of all the jokes we'd make (at the stars/contestants' expense) and the imitations we'd do of them (blown up ballons stuffed in shirt, "hey baby, do I look like New York now?"....."NO, Mr. DQ, now take those out of your shirt before I smother you with them, you dirty boy!"....LOL!)
Hee hee! Dang I miss those stupid shows...
...and the summer Olympics....
...and maybe I'll rent some GGW tonight! (JOKE)
Lucky, I do though think it would be important for you to gently ask Mr. Lucky if he would reserve his negative comments about your shows to himself. If he could keep his outward display of negativity about it under wraps, it would be more respectful, in general. I'm sure he could understand that if you word it right. It should just be courtesy he extends to you, to not act like you are doing something *wrong* by enjoying your shows.
