Hey Julia, yes I did have a fun night (before the hideous emotional meltdown!!)... I said to Cher my ribs were hurting from laughing so much. It was a good night out, 10 of us. I did get horribly p*ssed though, which I dont normally do. But it was upsetting to hear my ex say he wants to walk off a cliff, naturally.
I didnt have any preconceived ideas or goals.. I just wanted to see him. You know how when you go see your BF.. you dont have an 'agenda' or plan, or goal, just a feeling of gladness you will see them? I did want to find out about Helen (got that) and I hoped to connect with my ex, but we did, in our usual over emotional stylee! It is alot to digest and I feel pretty over whelmed and like my Mum said.. you were doing ok, now he has put you back to square one.. which is true.
Exactly what i was going to say! Square one is your choice...
As I see it, with BF you have made progress. You are not at square one. Emotionally if you choose to allow yourself to go back to square one that is a different matter.
The conversation was finally had. That is good b/c now you know.
You do have a choice to make, it seems. Kalni is spot on b/c if you want him, you're in for a long, long ride. He has told you clearly where he is and now it is up to you to wait him out.
How to proceed from here? Be his friend. Contact him once a week or so if you don't hear from him and let him remember you are, and always will be, his friend. You told him that in conversation, so now I'd say you back it up and just keep moving forward.
Glaciers may melt faster than he'll come around again, but then again, his return may be swift. However, keep yourself open to the fact that his return may never come at all. Not the way we want to think, but since it is a possibility, you've got to keep it on the table.
Glad you've been able to take this step. Now comes the hard part, I'm afraid.
Its not that.. its square one as in I am in love with him. If I was doing any better in getting over him, I am right back at the start again and thats how I feel. I dont know why he wanted me there, I dont know why he engineered it, if he knew he would be drinking and knew he would get upset, G alluded to that. Ex and brother left separately and as him and Cher were then discussing that we both looked like we had been in a carcrash and about the crying...G said to me, thats why, he wanted to see you, he wanted you there...but thats why he couldnt come to band night those times, I couldnt tell you, I cant tell you everything he says to me, but thats why. I didnt get what he meant and the conversation ended there, but me and Cher said today, we felt G was saying, he couldnt see me before, because he was too upset.. but then he got upset anyway?? I dont get it. I think becuase he could lie to Helen and say he was on a boys night out.
So.. it throws up as many questions as answers, I dont know what he is doing, but I guess he lies to her about me. I dont know whats going to happen next.. but it wasnt nice to hear him say he wants to walk off the cliff. I'm not anxious about it, he's not my responsibility, but I do love him and it has upset me.
I dont feel as though I can contact him Rob.. when he was saying how sorry he was and guilty and how I thikn he cant contact me because he has hurt me so much and after what he has done, we then were holding each other, cheek to cheek, he was crying and I remember I was saying in his ear "I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you..." which was big of me hey. But I meant it at the time. I think its up to him now? My BFF thinks the opposite.. make it hard for him to resist you, get in his face.
I completely understand. I guess all I'm saying is he's still got such a long way to go, so if you are wanting him to come back again, then you'll most likely be in for a long, long haul.
Are you ready for another lengthy winter w/no real idea of when the spring thaw will come?
On another front, are you ready to let him go? That is the painful part, but if you can see that there is no real end in sight, then you may have to face this reality as well.
I firmly believe you can be in love w/someone forever, but that doesn't mean you can't give your heart away and be happy. You may come to a point where you'll need to move on w/your life and love him from afar and keep his well-being in your thoughts.
You've done this before w/"the Piscean." You said when you two saw each other, the old feelings fired up like no time had been lost at all. Maybe he's the one you are supposed to reconnect with?
I don't know, but I do wish the path for you was clearer. Of course, none of us have that ability, so all I can do is support you from the deserts of Arizona and continue to send thoughts, prayers, and hugs your way.
It may feel like you're back to Square 1 - but I wonder if you are? You have grown so much over the past months / year...IMO you're only back there if you choose to be...
Your ex must be similarly confused...but in your case you have done so much to deal with life and your situation whereas, from what you report your ex is in a situation in which he is largely the passive participant...
From this reader's perspective you still have everything to play for...how about taking the initiative and texting him something along the lines of "Hi (ex), really enjoyed the other night! Must do it again sometime! LOL!" Inject some humour into it that he will recognise as "you" and which will tell him that you're prepared to be his friend - I agree to an extent with BFF - get in his face a bit, but engineer it in such a way as to not make him feel that another encounter / meeting would be fuelled so much with emotion. It sounds as if it was a massive step for him to offer the invitation in the first place and he couldn't have thought that it would result in anything other than an emotional meltdown...thing is, although you heard some stuff that didn't leave you swinging from the chandeliers, it sounds as if it was a truly honest exchange, even if it was driven by beer and vodka! He could have been much more brutal and final - fact was he wasn't. I can't imagine a man like your ex would have invited you along on a night out like that would have done it without any intention other than wanting to see you, to connect with you - perhaps wanting to "test the temperature" even - why else?
What other motivations could there have been? To say to you that it was all over, for definite? To prove that he was all ok and happy? To check out that you are ok and to absolve himself of guilt? None of these stack up in light of your evening...
Right at the moment it doesn't sound as if he has the drive or will to do anything about his situation without a reason - how can you give him that reason? Would it be right that your ex "falls" into situations and only when there is dissonance does he act..? .. like when he and Helen first got together - Cognitive dissonance again!... how can you make that work for you? He must be experiencing dissonance again right now...he'll have to have explained his evening to Helen... I've said somewhere before, your ex sounds as if he's a very moral person and also a "pleaser" so I suggest that will have been uncomfortable for him.
You asked him "are you in love with her?" and his response "no" - but also he said that 'she's good to him.' Could it be that he's caught? Trapped?
What are his options?
Can you make the option you're offering more attractive than the one he's chosen right at the moment?
Could it be that he's wary of the option you're offering? What do you think that option looks like for him? Commitment, settling down? Children?
Looks to me as if he were truly to get wind of "you" as you are now, he might feel much less threatened...
Sorry - that's been a pretty messy "free thought stream"...
DB doctrine says stop doing what isn't working...thats not to say that what you have been doing isn't working - but I wonder, if you keep doing what you have been doing, will that work?
Could it be that this phase has run its course? You've afforded him a truly enormous amount of patience and space, without anger or resentment...and at the same time managed to achieve an enormous amount of growth for yourself...
Could it be that this event marks the time to do something different...what is your natural inclination right at the moment?
IMO you have an invitation now to try something different...perhaps even to become the OW! It sounds as if you "get him" in a way that H doesn't...he must know that / feel it and also want it...I would...
I like the way you think Simon! I was thinking the same thing about going back to doing what Ali has been doing.
Ali, change is good. Change is important. After your convo (although it was alcohol fueled), how can you go back to not contacting him? I'm not talking about contacting him for further convo, but a once a week, touching bases thing. Even if it is only a 2 minute phone convo. It just seems like you need to keep that contact with him. Isn't it possible that you are his touchstone without him realizing that? I sense that he is self-flagillating to some extent. He doesn't feel worthy of your time, but craves it at the same time. How about you giving him the opening to take some of your time without him asking for it. It could open immense possibilities between you that could lead who knows where.
I know we say it a lot here but.......What do you have to lose?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Rob...No, not ready to let him go! Not by a long shot, I feel like we are finally getting somewhere.. if we dont get anywhere once we finally getting somewhere, THEN I will give up! Its not yet 'time'..
Hey Mish, Simon..true, I have grown and am totally altered in the past 18 months. I guess we had 'no emotion' largely all those times we met over the past year... so perhaps we are a bit beyond that now? I also apologised profusely for the emotional/intense nature.. but he was VERY clear, its ok, its not your fault, I NEEDED to talk to you.. so things have shifted a bit maybe? But yes, I think I will send a 'light' text tommorow. Also, we are both going back to our hometown for Easter (him to get space/think/end it wih Helen I suspect) so there is a possibility of a lift.. but not if he wants some space from us both.
And yes, he said himself, he wanted me there.. and he wasnt ashamed to sit and hug me and talk and cry for an hour, when ALL of his mates (bar his house mate) in Cornwall and his brother were there that night.. how wierds that? They all know he is with Helen, so it was a pretty public showdown! And Yes! he falls into situations.. said so himself in November "things just happen to me, I dont choose it". And yes also, my Mum said, this "I dont want to upset anyone anymore" and staying with her just so he doesnt have to hurt her.. is the ultimate people pleasing act.. thats why I asked him.. but what about YOUR happiness??
Yes, he also said to G that only I really 'get him' and know him and Helen certainly doesnt.. so thats dissonance right there? We all want to be understood, cherished, desire to be ourselves.
So.. sit and wait now? Or maybe text him tommorow, or.. phone him (as he has given me his phone number). Its all a little frustrating, but it feels great to have finally told him I still love him and always will, but I will take friendship if thats all he's got to offer, but he has to let me know now..
