So, H came over around 13:00 and left a few minutes ago (16:45). He is working both days this weekend. Of course he didnt tell me he was working. He told my D in front of me and when I asked him he said annoyed "Yes, I am working today AND tomorrow". I said OK. I was on the computer downloading songs for my nephew and he came to the room and played with my hair. I could tell he felt guilty. It is so horrible for me to realise he thinks it's either work OR us. He clearly wants to work because he enjoys it and as a "sidedish" see us whenever he can. It's starting to get to me.
I am not going to go with this, for long now. I am patient but honestly all this time I am weighing my options and trying to get in tune with my inner wishes while giving him enough rope to hang himself . And when he does, I will be OK. K
That does not sound very optimistic.....out of curiosity what did you do when he played with your hair? Did you respond in any way? Just curious....trying to see his POV. I still do not know how someone can work so many hours and hope to have a marriage...I do not get it. But we all have our priorities i guess.
Well John, I can pretend, be optimistic, I can even fake being happy for the "second chance" I got, but I think this was just a chance to feel confident about whatever I decide to do. And I have come to the conclusion it's not the time he hasnt got, it's the will and desire for me I dont see. I believe I would get to see it, even if he wanted to hide it, but nope, it's not there... K
Hi K - I'm sorry H isn't making the effort you need to see from him. You are sounding discouraged. Maybe it is guilt that is preventing him to take action.
Originally Posted By: john210
I still do not know how someone can work so many hours and hope to have a marriage...I do not get it. But we all have our priorities i guess.
Most of us will never be able to figure out the priorities of the WAS. It seems so obvious to us what K's H should be doing if he wants to try to work on the M.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Hey K.. I am shocked that he is working both Saturday AND Sunday.. is this after his trip away? And he works all week too doesnt he... so is that a 7 day working week then??? No wonder you didnt respond when he toyed with your hair.. I expect you must feel somewhat angry.. and.. well, how could you not feel rejected? Yes its work and money and his career, but at the end of the day, the most valuable thing you can give a person (or to his kids) is time.. and he doesnt give you his time. He is saving it all for himself, his aspirations.. or, like the C said, he is STILL using work as a device to avoid things.
I know you dont care to look at the reasons though, just the result.. which is you in an R with a man that works ALL week. How can you get it through to him that this matters? Without shaming him, as that book explains (its very good isnt it!)
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I am glad you like the book. I go back and read chapters every once in a while to keep me focused. If only he could read it too...
I cant say anything else. He KNOWS Ali. He knows and cant find the will to do anything about it. That's why he looked so guilty. And yes, he worked both days before the week he went away, was away last weekend on the trip and works again this weekend. So 3 weekends in a row...
I didnt respond, tried to gather all my strength not to show disappointment or bitterness. (I had told my kids we would take out in the afternoon).
My brother asked me what is going on with H. I told him nothing. The best answer I can come up with. K
He is working but he also spent 3 houes with you this afternoon so that is a plus point yes? What would you like to see from him, by that I mean, what working hours would you like him to work and what is possible with regards to his job demands. have you looked at it that way?
How to improve your M without talking about it by Stosny and Love.
We've been through that Julia. He works 6 days a week form 9 to 1 in the morning, Sunday 4 to 1 in the morning and Sat is his only day off so today he was supposed to be with us. We got 3 hours instead. He said he cant change anything about it. It's a take it or leave it attitude. K
What hours would you like him to work - in an ideal world?
He works 16 hour days?? Bloomin' heck!
What have you tried so far to change it? How do you act when he witholds his time because of work?
At the moment he doesn't want to change it, it seems. Is that right? Or can he physically not? For example today, did he volunteer or did he have to work?
I do agree that H will have to come to the realization that if work is more important to him, then he'll find himself alone very soon so he can devote all his time to his beloved work.
I am a firm believer in his attitude toward work filling a void he has inside that affects his self-esteem. Once he can pin-point why he feels he needs work to be complete, he'll be able to leave work for what is really important - you and his children.
However, he may not get to that in time to rescue your M. That would be the real tragedy, but he is the one choosing to walk this path.
Hopefully for everyone, your H's IC sessions will allow him to see this before it is too late.
. And when he does, I will be OK.