he is back, i think

[mdoodles]

im trying to. i think he had good intentions, i think he got cold feet last weekend and is second guessing everything - but still wants the store we are looking to buy to get him out of the bad environment. i am nervous to do it without knowing for sure she is out of the picture. he was supposed to move home and now wants to do it slowly. and it scares me. i could take a strong stand and say i wont sign off on the store unless things are proved to me. we still have a divorce action on hold since last year that i would like dismissed. he has to do that.

[whatdidido]

He will constantly second guess everything while he is still in contact. Withdrawal of her will be hard enough, and if he has contact it will be near impossible to have feelings for you.

Him trying to get out of the situation is a good sign.

Yes, you could not sign off on the store until you have something more concrete about the ending of the affair. Have him write a letter to you that you will read and approve and send YOURSELF. You could also talk to her to make sure it is done. Whatever it takes to be certain. If he is done with her, he won't mind this.

[mdoodles]

i have a feeling calling her will do no good. if they are strained, she will absolutely lie and tell me they are together. she has called me before and lied saying terrible things. she is not to be trusted. she used to post her picture with him on facebook (to taunt me i know) but now my friends tell me it is just of her. i know he will not end it with her in letter form. i have sent him so many articles on how to end it, how ending it is crucial. he gets it, but i dont think he does it. or does it, and waffles on it. this whole time in planning the store, he was coming home. he was giving notice at his job and then coming home and never looking back to that area. now it changed. now its, i want the store, i want to focus on us, but im not ready to move back home all at once. wants to do it slowly. is it to be believed? i just dont know.

[whatdidido]

If he will not end it in letter form, how you want him to, and is waffling, he is not "done" with her. I'm sorry mdoodles, until he does some thing for YOU to prove to YOU, he is still with her.

[mdoodles]

i agree. i dont know what they are but he did not end it for good. somehow he thinks he can give us a try while letting her think they still have a chance, even though i know he has convinced her im out. what a mess. i could give up now and walk away, but it is just so hard to do. i have come so far, this is 2 1/2 years of up and down up and down.

[whatdidido]

I don't think you should give up and walk away, but I do think you should insist on "no contact" and full transparency before you and him try again. If he does not do this, anything you "try" now will be worthless because he won't be in it all the way. he doesn't realize this, but it is true. Many times when the LBS stands up for themselves, there is a turn around from the WAS. You need to respect yourself and expect respect from your husband as well.

[mdoodles]

my h was just here, picked up furniture that was stored in his parent's garage (that he once used with ow) and is donating the dresser to a charity. he brought some misc belongings of his into our house and put them away. he had a big bag of stuff that he is said is from work, he cleared out his things from work since he is supposed to give notice on monday, as we are scheduled to close on the new business sometime in the next week or so. he gave me a big hug and kiss when he left to deliver the furniture, something he doesnt normally do. maybe he really is trying now to make this really work. its so hard to believe things and i dont want to get hurt anymore. i feel like he is the boy who cried wolf. maybe everything he tells me now is the truth, but who can believe him after all of the lies?

[whatdidido]

It seems you don't want to enforce the no contact/transparency plan, so you will have these feelings you are having for a long time.

AND, if he IS seeing her, all of this time you are spending "making this work" will be for nothing. AND I would even say you may be losing out on an opportunity to save it by NOT enforcing this. By not doing so, you could be looking weak/enabling/pathetic in his eyes, and the OW will not look like this. It will also be hard for him to stop the addiction and he may not be able to without your help. Seeing a counselor could help, but if he is still seeing her it will not.

[mdoodles]

i do want to enforce the no contact plan. we are at such a critical point right now that i feel so stuck. we have to agree to close on the store tomorrow. we were moving along so nicely until he got cold feet and changed the whole outlook. i can tell him no contact with her, he can agree, we close on the store, and who knows? what if he contacts her after we already own the business? its like im stuck. now is the crucial point, where i decide to either stick with him and work through it all or i walk away now. once we have the business i am not walking away so fast. he wants the business, he wants to work on us, its that i have to trust him that he will give it his all.

[mdoodles]

i am in an aweful mood today, snapping at my son, not wanting to play with him, and i feel terrible. i just cant take it anymore. he was supposed to move home when we started the business and now he wants to do it slower, work his way home. what if its an excuse? what if he never comes home? i just dont have it in me to keep at this, keep waiting. its eating away at me.