Most Difficult Time of My Life

[Kokopelli]

W texted me on wednesday to say the car registration showed up finally and asked how I wanted to get it. I said I could stop by quickly if that was cool and she said it sounded great. After work, I stopped by and we engaged in small talk about her week and experience at a new gym she joined. She asked me if I wanted to get lunch, I responded "I could eat," what the hell kind of response is that? After about 2 minutes I decided it was a bad decision to do lunch because I knew it would end in an argument.

Told her that I should probably get going and she stated she had a bunch of things to do around the house too. As I was leaving she brought up the D and asked if I filed my response yet. I keep trying to push this off and told her the attorney is handling it. Of course it turned into an argument about who gets what. I don't know why I keep engaging in this bickering matches, the DB principles say to drop the rope! I know better, but my emotions get me going lately.

I left the house pretty briefly closing the door behind me as she continued to talk at me. 45 minutes later I'm feeling like crap about it. I should used the 48 hour rule about responding to these situations, but I caved in and sent her a message apologizing and stating that I'm not trying to be difficult. She responded saying we should be able to work this out and not pay a bunch of $ to attorneys and asked if I would do mediation next week. I told her I will be out of town next week and she never responded. That was Wednesday evening.

We haven't contacted each other in any form or fashion since
then. I have been pulling back, "going dark" and it feels so unnatural and not like the right thing to do. She is in CA for her BFF bridal shower/bachelorette party this weekend. She has her mother with her, who is a HUGE enabler in this situatoin also. She is GAL'ng, I'm laying here reading books and forums, feeling lonely and depressed. I am really losing hope in this situation...I saw some of her files and she has this whole D planned and mapped out w/ To Do's and completion check boxes. How does a person continue DB'ng in this kind of situation?

I keep telling myself that miracles happen everyday, and hoping for "divine intervention" to change her mind or at least soften her stance a bit to give us a chance. I will not initiate contact with her no matter what, but how do you know if you're making progress or backsliding?

It seems as though she cracks sometimes, the emotions last weekend, the "I Love You," the hugs, etc. But then she turns around and is so adimant, cold, and persistent in pushing hard to get me the hell out of her life. Even though she keeps saying she wants to remain friends. I said that I will be willing to do the "friend" thing, but it's going to take me some time.

I get stuck in this constant loop of worrying about things, hoping for signs of change, wishing she'd reach out to me and just shoot a text saying hi or something. This process has been going on for about 2 months, and this is the first time we have had NO contact whatsoever.

I keep telling myself time is my ally, and hoping she will begin to crack. It doesn't seem like it though. She has surrounded herself with so many influences and is distracting herself from thinking about the situation.

I better get some breakfast and start my day, I've been lurking on this forum for 3 hours and need to stop feeling like a loser!