DA Club III

[pearlharbr]

Kokopelli, the purpose of DA club was to offer each other support in getting off the emotional roller coaster and detaching. The "original members" who post here most often are at varying stages of their relationships, not all are done. In fact I am beginning to work on reconciliation even though before I didn't think it was possible or what I wanted anymore. We don't post here as often anymore because we got a handle on how to be detached but you can follow our personal threads to see what's going on in our lives.

The point of detaching is NOT to work on the R, it is to give yourself some time and space to heal then work on yourself. If you are DBing to save your marriage it will not work. You must focus on making you the best Kokopelli you can be. If during that process you attract your spouse back then great, you're on the road to recon. If not, then you are in a position to move forward with a sure sense of self and healthy for your next R.

I suggest you read through all the DA club threads to see what we have done to detach. If you want more feedback it is best to post your story in Newcomers since that is the highest trafficked forum.

From what I can tell from your post you are completely focused on your W and saving your M. This has to stop. The changes you make must be about and for you alone. Your W can tell if they are not genuine and only done to win her back.

Personally I had an extremely hard time being "lovingly detached" esp since we were in the same house. I only truly detached when I let the R go and started focusing on myself. No contact except financial matters.

Going dark is only one aspect of detaching, and should be the last one you try. The goal is to live your life without worrying about what your spouse says or does. One of our favorite sayings here is "water off a duck's back."

Reread DB/DR about detaching. It takes a few times to really understand the concept.