DA Club III

[pearlharbr]

I think I'm in the same boat JD. It's been a rough few days. I obviously need to recommit to the DA Club. So what are we going to do this week?

[Tawnya]

{{{JD}}} {{{{Pearl}}} The hazing will come when you least expect it :::muhahah:: Seriously tho..dust yourself off and start all over again my friends!!

I have no idea what day I am on..no contact with hub except texting back and forth about when son was coming home, missed him by THISMUCH bringing son home on Friday, D18 and I passed hub and S12 coming to the house in our cars..LOLOL..my daughter said "good timing" LOL

Tawnya

[kassie]

Things were going ok and then they didn't. Back in for a dip myself. Has anyone mentioned how hard R are for awhile? I listened to an opinion on NPR yesterday about the the computer generation (and their games) and R. Seems that "real" R are much different and the hardest thing we do in life.

[silvagod]

Well the original members of our little club appear to have moved on in different ways. I would like to think that a lot of that stems from the support we all gave each other in learning how to detach. I know I fully appreciate you guys and what you did to help me.

To any newcomers, DA = Detachers Anonymous, we are a self help group that assists you in moving to a safer place emotionally during the crisis of relationship breakdown. You are more than welcome to post in here with your problems, thoughts and requests. We are in no way shut for new business nor do we consider ourselves unique from anyone else!

[JayMan]

Well, and one is back!

I lost my password, and had some weird stuff happen, but I'm now 4 days in on a new DA dark regimen!

I've learned a couple of things - going dark can be amazingly successful! I did a month-long stint over February, and W went from barely speaking to me, to calling me, texting me, sending pictures, etc. She didn't cut off her affair, although things appear to be slowing down.

So, lessons I will pass along:
1. Going dark is the hardest thing ever to do
1b. It can do amazing things for your mental health, clear your head, etc
2. It can have an amazing impact on your spouse - even when they are in an affair
3. You can not give in even when your spouse shows signs of changing - you need to SPECIFICALLY hear the words, "I want to be in this marriage." I made this mistake!
4. It's much easier the second time around, because having peace of mind is almost as attractive as having your spouse back.

I'll keep you posted!

[Kokopelli]

Hi All,
I am getting really confused about the DA. It seems as though everyone is shutting down hope of reconciliation. Is that the purpose? I am struggling so badly and want nothing more than to work on my R with WAW. I am currently dark, but how do you "work" on the R, if we aren't recipricating contact?

Do we wait until they have an epiphany and say I made a mistake and want our M back? I think that is highly unlikely. I thought we are supposed to minimize negative feelings (going dark helps with this right?), and then be open and engaging when contacted in order to build positive experiences towards a possible reconciliation.

I dunno.

My sitch is so out of control right now, I don't have time to write about the whole thing. But my WAW filed for D 4 weeks ago and has been on a mad dash to get it done and me out of her life as fast as possible. I moved out last weekend, officially in my own apt for 1 week today, and am hating it.

There are some nice things...no walking on eggshells around the house anymore, but I can't do the loving things that she wanted me to do since I'm not there anymore. I was doing them in February, but obviously they didn't work since she filed D. I have been minimizing contact, actually only responding to her contact over the past 2 weeks.

Last weekend during the move W was incredibly disrespectful to my space but I continued to do loving things for her. The next day (Sunday) I stopped by to pickup final items and of course she engaged me into R talk and bickering.

She said "you waited until I told you I want to seperate before making any changes!" Obviously, she has noticed the changes in me, however, lately I have been more cold/distant with her...I don't know how to balance it. Later that evening she gave me a long hug and told me she missed my hugs, and then she told me that she loves me. This was SO confusing for me.

She contacted texted me Monday to see how me and my dad were doing, Monday was my Mom's Bday (she passed 2 years ago). I did not reply.

Met with her on Wednesday to pickup the car registration and engaged in small talk, she invited me to lunch. I initially accepted, and then back pedaled almost immediately. We ended up arguing about how to divide the money for the D. I knew better, but got sucked in.

There has been NO contact since then. Today makes 3 days. It is killing me. W is in CA for friends Bridal shower, she is maid of honor. I will not contact her, but am struggling that she has not ocntacted me either.

I am losing hope of reconciliation but do not want to give up. Going dark seems like the absolute wrong thing to be doing! I do know that pursuing obviously hasn't worked either.

I feel encouraged that she has noticed my changes, and that she still expressed that she loves me. But now, no contact is torturing me. This is the first no contact with W in almost 9 years, even during the last 2 months of this process of S/D.

I don't know what to do, please help with some advice!

[antlers]

What is 'going dark'?

[pearlharbr]

Kokopelli, the purpose of DA club was to offer each other support in getting off the emotional roller coaster and detaching. The "original members" who post here most often are at varying stages of their relationships, not all are done. In fact I am beginning to work on reconciliation even though before I didn't think it was possible or what I wanted anymore. We don't post here as often anymore because we got a handle on how to be detached but you can follow our personal threads to see what's going on in our lives.

The point of detaching is NOT to work on the R, it is to give yourself some time and space to heal then work on yourself. If you are DBing to save your marriage it will not work. You must focus on making you the best Kokopelli you can be. If during that process you attract your spouse back then great, you're on the road to recon. If not, then you are in a position to move forward with a sure sense of self and healthy for your next R.

I suggest you read through all the DA club threads to see what we have done to detach. If you want more feedback it is best to post your story in Newcomers since that is the highest trafficked forum.

From what I can tell from your post you are completely focused on your W and saving your M. This has to stop. The changes you make must be about and for you alone. Your W can tell if they are not genuine and only done to win her back.

Personally I had an extremely hard time being "lovingly detached" esp since we were in the same house. I only truly detached when I let the R go and started focusing on myself. No contact except financial matters.

Going dark is only one aspect of detaching, and should be the last one you try. The goal is to live your life without worrying about what your spouse says or does. One of our favorite sayings here is "water off a duck's back."

Reread DB/DR about detaching. It takes a few times to really understand the concept.

[Kokopelli]

@Ant,
Going dark as I understand it is when you basically shutdown all communication and contact from your S with the exception of important issues. It is not supposed to be done by being cold or distant. When they engage us, we respond friendly and lovingly. We just do not engage them and only respond to certain requests from them. Do not go to all invitations to do things, don't return all calls/texts, etc.


@Pearl,
Thanks for taking time to write. I think I am beginning to understand the detachment thing a bit better. It's a delicate dance in my mind though because detaching feels like the wrong thing to do if you want to save your M. How do you ignore your S if they are reaching out to you? How do you tell when they are really ready to try to work on things?

Now, I realize the ?'s above are way ahead of myself, because I am definitely nowhere near that point. I just like to be prepared, and also I get worried that I might detach too much and not really want the R back. Did you make a conscience decision to start working on things again after you felt like you didn't want to go back?

As much as it seems like I am completely focused on saving M, I really have been making changes for myself to improve myself. That's what I want from this process, with a positive repercussion of saving my M. I have been doing IC learning more about myself, and my contributions to the breakdown of our R.

I am moving into the stage you were at...let the R go and only contact for important purposes or in response to her. I definitely feel more anxiety today and the last couple of days because it's the first time W and I have had no contact in 8.5 years! We always communicate daily in some fashion, even after the bomb dropped. My sitch has been on newcomers for a while, I just wanted to stretch out and get some new POV's!

Koko

[pearlharbr]

Stop thinking and planning for the future. Live in the moment. Any future thoughts/talk will drive you crazy. You can't predict what will happen so stop trying to.

IMHO, you are NOT making the changes for yourself. All this talk about knowing what your spouse is thinking or ready to work on the marriage point to saving the marriage as the reason for the changes. You won't get far unless you're honest with yourself.