...and I'm sorry for the long post. How do I feel? Like things are still rumbling on and not yet at a conclusion. That I cant 'do' anything, its not about her, I am not fighting her, I am fighting his depression and feelings of self-loathing and suicide. That he doesnt know who he is, what he is doing, or who he wants and is probably just 'going through the motions' right now. That the depth of emotion between us still is overwhelming. That I believe he still loves me, but he is very confused still. I am overwhelmed and touched and shocked to hear him say he missed me every day (thats not obvious hey!) and not only that, but that he missed me 'terribly'. That I am his best friend still. And considering the outpouring of emotion from us both, after 16 months apart, it feels 'wrong' that we are not together, and he is with her, especially as he doesnt love her.
Maybe this was a disaster, in terms of DBing.. but I didnt hesistate.. I had nowhere left to run, but do the one thing I have never done.. be honest with him. And you all said hey, just tell him, tell him what you post here about how much he means to you.. and in the moment, I couldnt help it. I dont feel I've blown it.. after so long apart and an ow for 7 months, how can I? Its down to him now to make his decision.
Yes, I have a life, hobbies, career, friends, dreams but I am posting all of this, as this is the forum to do that.. My Mum said to me today, that I am NOT ok, but I am coping.. he is NOT ok but he is NOT coping! She is proud of me and all that I have achieved in getting my life back on track.. but she appreciates when I admitted.. that although my life has gone on, all the colour has drained out of it since the day he left.. its a black and white existence even now.
