About the missing me.. I said, but its not obvious! He said, I know!! and he was so sorry and cried. I said, but you didnt even phone me for 3 months, he then explained he feels so guilty, after what he has done, that he has hurt me so much.. also, that he feels guilty in all ways (meaning her) that he has been trying to do the right things, make the right decisions, be fair and all he has done is do all the wrong things and make the wrong decisions and something about me and him and being unhappy..
After saying the bit about needing to make a decision.. he said, I just need some more time Al.. I said, OK (he had said this in November, but less clear then, this time, he was very strong in asking) So.. there is a decision to be made and he was asking me for more time.. so I guess he was asking me to wait?
At one point, I said I was sorry for my behaviour in the R.. and he stopped me, emphatically.. NO! Its not you, it wasnt your fault, you have nothing to say sorry for, you've done nothing wrong.. its me.. I said but I need to be able to apologise for certain things, I am ashamed of the way I acted in some ways.. he said, you have nothing to be sorry for. I said but I dont see you anymore and something about makes me feel not worthy of his time.. he was shocked, What !? No! Its ME thats not worthy, no, no.. and was very very reasuring and rubbing my back up and down and it was all just.. ARGHH !
He was saying something early on like he doesnt care, cares about nothing (meaning feels dead inside).. that he some days wants to go home and just lie down and sleep and some days.. he just wants to sleep.. and mean sleep... that he wants to just walk off the cliff... to go to the cliff edge and walk off. He said this in a very flat, undramatic, deadened way.. like he really meant it. I was shocked and ended up asking.. do you talk to her about this? He said, no, not really.. and I was stunned again.
I said you can always talk to me, I know you better than anyone and he agreed. I said, I know things that noone else does, that you know what we have talked about.. and I want you to know that I completely love and accept you.. no matter what.. I accept you.. I looked at him and he looked SOOOO emotional and just, like he really took that on board and stunned.. and I said, well I am still here arent I? (this is the ONE thing I have never told him, so it felt important to).
I apologised alot for the conversation, for crying, for upsetting him, he was very emphatic.. NO! Its not your fault, dont apologise, you havent upset me, I just AM upset, I wanted to see you, I wanted to talk to you... I said really? He said yes, I want to talk to you, I said, but we can just hang out or something next time and he said, no, I want to talk to you Al, I need to talk to you.. I said, ok, I would like that, can we do that then sometime? And he said yes, yes, I really want to..
He said again.. I just need some time.. I said ok. And thats how we left it.. he went to fetch his brother from outside, people were leaving and he then came back to give me another hug and then left, I dont remember what we said to each other, or even if we said goodbye but made no plans to speak/see each other.
