Since during the school week, my W and I trade our son at school and not face-to-face, I usually don't see W during the week until we trade off on Saturday. Since I'm GALing, I am trying to be more DIM, not responding to her e-mails until the next day -- usually I would have responded within the hour.
Occasionally, if we get to talking about current life, I'll state I'm simply busy working on me. Sometimes, WAW asks 'like what?' to probably assess what I am working on for myself. Normally, I would broadly state that I'm doing a lot of research, reading, and talking with others to improve myself, making new friends, and exercising regularly. I'm getting to the point, however, where I feel like responding "That's for me to know, isn't it?" or "I'm recognizing opportunities that are for me, so you don't need to concern yourself."
According to my DB coach, I'm still in Stage 1, reducing negative emotions, but a) we're cordial to each other, and b) she's probably more interested in waiting for OM to leave his W than anything I'm doing. She appears to be only interested in how my time with my S6 is affecting my S6's attitude and behavior.
Question: If she is going to continue lusting after her new BF, then how do I hint that I am making positive changes without giving her the information that she has no right to know about while in an active EA?
(I know, no 'egg shells', but still want to have a positive impact.)
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H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
Question: If she is going to continue lusting after her new BF, then how do I hint that I am making positive changes without giving her the information that she has no right to know about while in an active EA?
MY answer to this is simple...you do NOT hint at all. There is only one way to make an impact and that is to change for yourself and if it benefits your sitch then great, but NEVER changs just to prove to your W that you are better.
If the changes are positive and permanent, they will be noticed.
I guess to clarify my question, it's more about do I respond if W asks what changes I'm making, or do I blow her off?
Yes - any and all changes would be for me and my son, not for her benefit.
If she has to ask WHAT changes you are making then she hasn't noticed apparently. If she states that she has noticed you are making more frineds and being more social (for example), that you HAVE made changes, then simply say: "Yeah, and it feels great to do that!"
You're welcome! Example: Controlling: "You need to end your affair, right now!" Boundary: "I cannot live in an open marriage." Controlling: You need to change your cellphone #, and give me a copy of the detailed bill every month!" Boundary: "I'm glad you want to reconcile, but in order for me to feel safe in the relationship, I need completely no-contact and transparency from you for awhile -- including changing your cellphone # and having your new bill sent to me for a period of time."
The last few posts from Gooch and PDT REALLY hit home for me! So it's really a question of stating I need you to be in this spot for this to work for me, show me that you can be that person. You have some EXCELLENT advice here on an alternative to your list that should work better I think.
Gucci, you're a lifesaver. Or at least a relationship saver.
Thank you for this post. It makes SO MUCH sense and of course is a better approach. I have been so caught up with making sure I get what I need and want and the only way I saw that happening was to be crystal clear with my expectations.
Additionally, and more importantly, I have been putting me first and not thinking about anyone else's needs. It's going to be a major adjustment to go back to assessing how my words and actions affect xBF. It's funny, we spent eight years together and he was always the most important person in my life. Now after two months I have to relearn how to make him part of my life. Well, maybe.
Back to the issue at hand. Gucci, you said wait until the timing is right. I'm not sure I know what timing I'm looking for. After spending some time together or before? We're supposed to get together on Sunday to discuss the financial settlement. I wanted to get everything out on the table at the same time so we both know what's expected before moving forward.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
You're welcome! Example: Controlling: "You need to end your affair, right now!" Boundary: "I cannot live in an open marriage." Controlling: You need to change your cellphone #, and give me a copy of the detailed bill every month!" Boundary: "I'm glad you want to reconcile, but in order for me to feel safe in the relationship, I need completely no-contact and transparency from you for awhile -- including changing your cellphone # and having your new bill sent to me for a period of time."
The last few posts from Gooch and PDT REALLY hit home for me! So it's really a question of stating I need you to be in this spot for this to work for me, show me that you can be that person. You have some EXCELLENT advice here on an alternative to your list that should work better I think.
Very close. It's really more like saying "These are the things I need in my life in order to be who I am. I am no longer willing to settle, and I am no longer comfortable to have "X" happen or "Y" said because they violate my own personal integrity, and my personal integrity is more important to me than trying to make you happy (no one can "make" another person happy anyway). I need these things, and I think I have a right to pursue them in my life in order to be who I am and to be happy. YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO PROVIDE THEM FOR ME -- and that's okay too. I would prefer for us to get to this place together, but I can't ask you to be who you are not anymore than you can ask ME to, so please let me know."
Like Gucci's real-world example with Pearl, above.
The last few posts from Gooch and PDT REALLY hit home for me! So it's really a question of stating I need you to be in this spot for this to work for me, show me that you can be that person. You have some EXCELLENT advice here on an alternative to your list that should work better I think.
Close Sam, but you are missing how it needs to come across.
You don't want to come across as that "I need YOU to be in this spot for this to work for me" It should be in the tone of "I know what I want. I am not sure that you are the type of person that can give these things to me. I want someone who_____________(fill in the blank here).. I want someone who____________(fill in the blank here.....
It is as if you are using a generic person (I want someone).. You are telling them in a nutshell without pressuring them, that you know what you want and are going to be with "someone" who is that type of person. Allowing them to know that you have had an awakening and now see that they may NOT be that person because you view them as someone who doesn't seem to be able to give those types of things.......
They almost have no options other than to say, "you are right, I can't or am not willing to do those things in a relationship (which then allows you to validate that by saying, yes I agree that I don't think you can either)
or...
as most men do... They listen to what the woman is saying she likes and does not like in a relationship. If the man wants her, he then uses those things to show her that he is exactly that type of man. She does this by being "generic."
How many times have we seen on this site the WS telling the BS what they didn't do and why they want out, only to see the BS do a 180 on those exact things she mentioned. The WS is demanding nothing. They are saying they don't know what they really want, but it is too late now and here are the things I wanted or want in a relationship that you didn't do. You are trying to be someone you aren't.. On and on and on.... It wasn't until they let the BS feel that they weren't sure that the BS finally got with the program.....
Hope you see the difference because it is very important how it is presented.
