Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 2

[Thinker]

Thanks Sandi,

I'm going to have to take some time to read your post in detail later. For right now, just wanted to post a quick update.

As I mentioned yesterday, in our discussions, my W said emphatically that (with the exception of 1 email) she had not had any contact with OM.

Late last night, after my W had disappeared upstairs and I finished cleaning up the kitchen, I went to my W's computer (hers is downstairs, mine is up) to check the weather for today. Her email mail was open on her desktop and there were two emails from OM. Both mails were completely innocent in nature - in one he said he had gotten a job offer, in the other gave her some job advice - but there they were, concrete proof that she was lying.

I printed them, went upstairs and confronted her with them. I told her I was a bit angry, but mostly sad and disappointed.

She again denied everything -- "this is the first time I have contacted him in months". At this point, I broke out and laughed. It was just so ridiculous to think that she would claim that the day after we had a long discussion in which she stated that it was all over that she would start up a set of friendly discussions with him again out of the blue - and would think that I would believe it.

"there is nothing going on" etc.

She also tried to deflect:
- "This is not the issues, the Issue is between us. OM has nothing to do with it" "Why do you keep looking at OM as the cause of all of this - that is not it"
- "You don't understand -- I'm just not attracted to you at all"
- "I don't know what it is, but you just don't bring out the best in me"
- "I have been unhappy for years"
- She said that she had been depressed during many periods in our M, and (projecting on me) that I thought it was because she was depressed and a depressive person, but that it was really that she was depressed because of me.

And she tried to avoid the conversation at all::
- Long Long periods with nothing said
- Finally "I'm tired, I'm falling asleep"

The whole conversation was pretty calm and subdued, but ours always are...

As best as I can remember, I told her:
- I am very sad and disappointed that she continues to lie to me, and that I do not believe what she is saying in regards to her R with OM.
- That when she states that no one is there for her and that she is all alone, she is completely incorrect - that I am there for her and have been the whole time.
- That I can not continue in a R where I can't trust her to tell me the truth or to even tell me what is going on.
- That I am finding the dishonesty and lies to be very unattractive.

This morning we continued the discussion a bit.
- She thanked me for saying that I was there for her.
- She continued with the "You just don't understand"
- She said "I just don't know what I want"
- She admitted (for the first time) that her feelings about the R really went downhill when her father died, and never recovered.

I told her (very nicely) that (not due to our R, but because I was concerned about her and could see how badly all of the stress was affecting her) that I thought that she should ask her doctor to prescribe something to help her get through this very difficult period.

I don't really know where this is taking us. She is friendly this morning, and planning a family work day on the yard. She is out right now and just called twice to ask small questions (ie "where do I find the grass seed at home depot?".

I am actually pretty calm about it all. Sad, but calm.