I was reading your post about him making you say something word for word and I was thinking "How awful and demeaning!" and then I was just shocked when he said the "swallowing" part.
Nobody should have to submit to such verbal abuse.
Lost-n-Iowa, I am at a loss for words as I see you have already gotten a lot of great advice.
People can tell you that you deserve so much better - but you have to believe it!
I really think that you need to get away from this man and heal yourself and your children. He's proven time and time again how much damage he can do.
I know it may seem impossible right now but I have a feeling that once you get out, you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
My prayers will be with you.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
PLEASE continue to get your Plan in place, and do what it takes to get out of that situation, Lost. Any reconciliation or MC can always come LATER, if and ONLY if your husband gets some counseling and shows some remorse for what he has done.
Been awhile since I have been on here. Though my last post was bad on my H's part, things have been going pretty good for us. We have spent some time together and have been having a good time with each other. I was getting some hope back in me for this M.
Then it all came crashing down last night and tonight.
My H had started texting my sis and asking her a lot of questions about her sexual preferences...(my sis is bisexual and likes 3 somes..to each there own.. I never look bad on her cuz she is my sis) She plays along and 'flirts' with him and he says that he is not happy with our sex life and so on. She tells me about this and even reads some of the texts to me. I was in shock that he would be asking her this stuff and telling her that he wants 3 somes but that I refuse and that I refuse to do some other things that are better left unsaid.
After my initial shock of this I called my sis back today and asked her for her help. I asked her to bait my H and see what she could get out of him. Well lo and behold...my H admitted to cheating on me with many girls, many times, has had 2 3somes since we got married, and that he wants more. My sis baited him even further and asked him if he would like to join her and a friend of hers. He said yes and she is suppose to be setting this up. Then he has the balls to ask her if she would like to play around just the two of them before a friend gets there. She said that she would have to think about that but would get back to him. He says ok and tells her "EAT U LATER" as a goodbye to her.
I have skipped many parts of the conversation between them that last 2 hours, but you get the jist of what was said. The entire time that he was texting her, she was forwarding all of his and her texts on to me, so I was getting the minute by minute play.
They end their conversation and 5 MINUTES later he is calling me to say hello, tell me and the girls goodnight. He even talks to me like normal and when he gets off the phone says LOVE YOU HUN. I said it back so he did not get any suspisions that I had a problem with him.
I thank all of you that have replied to me and tried to help me out. I noticed a pattern on here with all the replys though..not one person told me to try and save my marriage, told me to get out while I could. I chose not to listen becuz I wanted my marriage to work so badly. I am listening now!!! I am filing for divorce and getting out. I will not raise my girls in an enviroment where a man thinks that he can do this to a wife and she takes it. I will not let my girls endure anymore of him. Thank God he is thier step dad and has NO rights to them.
Again I say thank you to all who replied. I guess you were all right and I just did not want to take off the rose colored glasses. They are gone now....gone with alot of myself with them.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
You go girl! Make sure you have that safety plan in place though!
As for 'a lot of yourself gone with the rose coloured glasses' ... there's nothing wrong with having hopes and dreams. I would also endeavour to say that I think that once you are out, you will find that you had been hiding a lot of yourself and that yourself had not been 'given away' or 'left behind'.
Biggest hugs from down Under....don't question yourself again.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Hi Lost, I'm glad you found your self-respect and are taking a stand. You are taking your power back in the relationship. Good for you.
But be prepared, he will cry, beg, promise you the world, probably try to blame YOU for his many affairs...but as many on here can attest to a person who has many, many affairs is very unlikely to stop.
Ignoring his pleas & empty promises is a VERY VERY hard thing to do. I think one of the biggest things to get through to yourself & understand is.... HE WILL NOT CHANGE. YOU can't love him enough to change because he doesn't love himself.
I hope you have a counselor lined up to talk you through the hard parts, please come here & vent, ask for help in how to deal with the emotions, etc.
As many on here have been fond of saying when a member of this forum gets to this point... no emotions, this is now just business..
be the woman you want your daughters to grow into as you deal with this man and extract him from your & their lives.
Hugs from Iowa & ditto to what Purple said. Bridgestone
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I'm sorry you had to discover such horrible behavior...but I AM SO GLAD you know what he is now. A person without a conscience... otherwise known as a sociopath or psychopath.
Like Bridgestone says, he will lie and plead and cry most likely. This is a good place for support:
Thanks for the support for this. I know that I can really use it right now.
The plot thickens...My H texted my sister last night to find out if she was still interested, she played along, he asked her if they could meet one on one before having a 3some, she said that she was more interested in the 3some right now, he was really cool about that, then asked her for naked pics of her, she said she had none, he sent her one, (she could not get it, thank god for that), said that she could not get it, he sent it again, still no, so she said it would have to be a surprise and he said he couldn't wait that he 'wanted to tap ur ASS!!! Yesterday!!'
She managed to get out of the convo soon after and that was the end of it. (For now, I bet)
I then got a bit vindictive today and looked into his email account (which I helped him set up so I knew the password, DUH) and found out that he had put a profile of himself on a sex search website. He even had the nerve to say he was married, and he used our ranch name as his username, just added 69 behind it. What nerve! His profile stated that he wanted people that swing, groups, fetishes, one on one, and other crazy activities. He's a pig!!
My H has been calling me, last night and tonight, and talking about how he wants to make the M work and that he loves me. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! I say I do too and answered appropriatly all the things that I should say. What he does not know is that I filed for divorce today. I have to wait until next week for him to be served. This is when he will be home to be served and I have to wait for a judge to sign an injuction about maritial assests and not disposing of them. I am basically living a lie right now with my H. I don't feel bad about it. It's kinda fun to say things to him knowing what I know and him having no clue. At one time we were talking about trust and he said that I was too trusting with people and that was going to hurt me. I said 'What I should not trust anybody? I should not trust you , I should not trust my mom and dad, or your mom?' He said 'No, you should only trust me because you know that I will not hurt you like these other people can do to you.' I just rolled my eyes and said 'I trust you, your my husband.' On the phone is one thing but it will be harder when I have to face him. This shows how controlling he is and how is is trying to isolate me from other people.
I do not care what he does, begging, pleading, apologizing, or crying...I will not change my mind. I don't care if he blames me for his affairs, it is not my fault. I have done everything that I thought I could to make my M work, (including venting my story to strangers on the internet, LOL) and I can walk away knowing that I did not mess this up, HE DID.
I did not think that I would have much support from my parents, they were mad last year when I took my H back and wanted to make it work, but they have been very supportive about all of it so far. I told my dad about it all first and had a hard time not crying, he was shocked that my H was doing this stuff and that my H was willing to sleep with my sister. He then told my mom about it later, and was tearing up when he told her. I think they are hurting for me and will definitly be there for me when I need them.
I will keep coming here. My name still says exactly what I am...LOST. I can't wait for him to be served so the 90 days can start. I can't wait for him to be served so I can stop lying about things to him. I know that he deserves it but I still hate living a lie. He has a problem. Sex addict or something. Either way he needs help and he won't find it here with me.
Bridgestone...I already figured out that my love for my H was not enough for him not to do these things in the first so I know that I can not love him enough for him to change. I could never forgive him even if he wanted to change. It is too far gone for that. And your right, I do not want my girls raised in a house like this. I will be better raising them on my own than with my cheating, lying, nasty, abusive, sex addicted husband by my side.
Breakaway...thanks for website, I will visit it.
Purple... My heart is broken, my life is shattered, and my dreams are scattering in the wind...but I will slowly pick up the pieces and get 'myself' back together in time.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Greetings from another Iowan! I am on the western half of the state...
So glad you went and filed and are taking actions. It is bad enough to be out looking for fun but to do it with your sister (I know she isn't really interested, but HE doesn't) is disgusting.
One thing I will say is, can you have someone with you when he gets served? I am concerned that he could get violent. He thinks he has you right where he wants you and when he finds out he was tricked by someone he thought he could 'control', he may lose it...Be careful
Tell your sister to stop with the 'pretending' that she 'digs' him. It will be bad enough when he realises he's been played. Do not continue. You found out what you needed to know. How much more do you need to know to make you angry enough to proceed on the divorce path. Any more knowledge (about his unfaithfulness) will only hurt you. Keep yourself informed RE financials and safety for you and your kids. Nothing more.
Get a safety plan together. Have a bag packed in the car. Have some money tucked away. Have a safe place to stay that he either can't get to or doesn't know about. Get a prepaid phone with a different number and do not let him know about it.
Bridge has got a great list somewhere. I think she may have already posted it here.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
SAVE all these emails, and texts. Copy them onto a disc.
Everything he's saying to you about not being able to trust anyone but him is CLASSIC pathological predatory behavior. Of course just the opposite is true!! Just like everything else when it comes to someone like him. You sound so much stronger and clearer. I am glad your family is supporting you.
All your sister has to do is "chicken out." He doesn't have to know he's been played. He's so narcissistic you can lie to him and he won't get it. He thinks he's great.
Blessings to you lost, you are doing great and I pray for you.
