So Tired, I'm truly sorry for your stitch. The things your W has said sounds so familiar. But, that does not help your feelings. I think right now, you need to do something as a means of not only being able to feel your anger but to try to express it in some form. By what you said, you have kept it suppressed by using the DB techniques. That is not good to keep it pushed down inside b/c it will explode at some time....as yours did. It was her fault for pushing the talk when you clearly told her no. Anyway, what I suggest is to find a gym, a punching bag, or something that you can hit the daylights out of it and get this anger worked out of you physically b/c it is dangerous for you. I am not being funny, I am being very serious. I know a man who keeps a boxer's punching bag hanging up in his back yard and that is how he keeps his anger and stress under control by releasing it all on that bag and I mean he really lets it have it! But, it keeps him cooled down afterwards.
Okay, back to the M. Time to drop the rope and go dark. Hard to do if you don't live in a different place and you co-parent. But, I look at going dark being very different from detaching. Detaching is doing it lovingly. Going dark is not so lovingly. You just stay away and tune the other person out as if they were no longer a part of your life and you move on. I understand your connection with your son and appreciate you for that. First thing to do is set the rules where he is concerned and fight for your rights for him. You have at least 50% of time with him. Judges no longer just automatically give the child to the mother just b/c she is his mother!! Times have changed! So, you fight for your right to have you son and not just at her convenience but what works for you, as well.
Dropping the rope is setting her free. You go your way and have a life. If she sees you attractive and unavailable and in time wants to reconcile......then she will make the first move. It happens all the time. Often, it takes this move to get the W's eyes open. But, there are no promises. You have no other options that I see at this time and still be able to hold your head up as a man.
I know it is embarrassing for you. Accept your family's support, but I would suggest that if they start to say anything negative about your W, I would ask them not to do that. The reason is b/c I was on the end of that many years ago when I tried to leave my H and it left scars that I never got over. They can support you without running her down with their negative talk. But, you have to be the one to ask them not to say unkind things about her. That is hard for them b/c it is you they love and she has hurt their loved one. But, my H never took up for me and that hurt me very much. If the two of you ever reconcile, then you will be very glad that you did not listen to negative talk. Besides, it will only add fuel to your anger at this time.
Don't stop coming here to post b/c you still need this support, as well. We will be here.
Take care of yourself, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
