I know I have said it before but I really appreciate all you guys on this board! You all help me to think more clearly and are such a good sounding board. RL people have been positively useless these past few days and I am struggling a bit.
(((T))) you ask such pertinent questions, you have really helped me focus my thoughts. Coming back from my hols has hit me the past few days and I feel very confused. I had essentially given up all hope of reconciliation because there had just been not progress or movement so I decided to accept what seemed to be the inevitable. However change came along and it has thrown me.
To RL people nothing has happened and they don't understand or view our conversation as progress. I have waited this long (whilst growing, healing and not putting my life on hold), I have the divorce steering committee on my case at the moment. But for our relationship this is huge. We have got passed an impasse and I have put so much into this for so long, and I feel that I have further to go, that I don't think I could say 'I have done all I can' if I don't take this opportunity. That is what I truly feel.
Friendship is on the second DB rung. I thought if wasn't a possibility and now it is, I can't not explore it. Even if the end result is that we are just friends and I can cope with that then result. If it does not progress to something more and I can't accept that then I will reassess the situation and I'm sure that will teach me a few life lessons. Will I be in for more heartache? Probably... but hopefully I have the tools to cope with that now. Either way I will be in for heartache, divorce will cause me a huge amount of that.
I am a stronger person now and will not put up with any cr@p from him. I have thought long and hard and my true hearts desire is to reconcile with my husband and heal my marriage which probably makes me a huge fool! I have some pride issues going on here too... I feel like I am backing down after making a decision to move on but it is not done without much thought and deliberation. I also now know that no one in RL understands which makes it ten times harder. But I reached my major goal. That H would willingly want to spend time with me. Time will tell if that will come to fruition. I can't ignore that progress. However I also can't ignore the length of time it took to get there but perhaps I needed that time to heal as much as he did. I am impatient though, I need to work on that again... they dangle that carrot!
New beginnings and all that... I will have to set some new goals.
