Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

Hi MB. Ups and downs.

Wife called today. Didn't see her last night, but she called last night too. She wanted to know what the different car in the driveway was for. I had to get my car fixed, so I was borrowing a car. She seemed interested so I told her the rest of the details. Weird.
This morning she slept in (unheard of) instead of going to the gym. She called me on my way to work, but I couldn't answer it. I got the vm and emailed her back. She was calling to let me know that she had not heard back from the car dealership. She is trying to get her car serviced. I told her in the email that she can set it up for Tuesday if not and I'll take care of it. She called again a little later and asked if I got the vm. ?? In the email I also asked if she wanted to grab a fast sushi lunch. I asked on the phone and she wasn't sure. I told her just let me know if she'd like to go.

Later I got an email saying she wanted to meet me there. So we had a nice lunch. Fast. No stress. Nice conversation.

I called the pastor later and asked him about her behavior. Is it normal for this situation? He said it depends, but if she's trying to repair the relationship, then yes it is exactly what he'd expect. He warned me that I may be the one trying to run away. I don't think so, but I am cautious. He suggested I needed to relax as much as I can and be a wall. Act as if is essentially what he was telling me.

I also told him about her conversation with me about the future. She wants me to sign us up at church for the easter breakfast. She wants us to go to the early service so we can head out to her aunt's house for birthday and easter celebrations (my birthday and her's are the 9th). She is also talking about the future when her parents want to come up for daughter's birthday for dinner. I was good with those.

Ok. I can try to be easy and available. But my emotions are so frazzled, I am not sure I won't babble like a goldfish along the way. I keep thinking that she wants to have sex, pack her bags and leave hoping to be friends still. I have to get that out of my mind though. I'm overthinking it. He was quick to point that out to me. That I'm overanalyzing things.

I'm an analyst by trade and an optimist by choice. He laughed at that. He told me to relax. enjoy the good times as they come and deal with anything else when if it happens.

So all in all, it could be good. I think because she realizes that she is broken we're making progress. I think she may still leave though she seems to be trying really hard to talk to me and hang out with me even though she's tired and hasn't gotten anything done with regards to her studying. She's taken a break. Which is also good.

Just have to wait to see what she wants to talk about that she spoke to the mc about. She asked me out on Saturday (changed to Sunday for scheduling reasons) for our birthday dinner. To her favorite restaraunt. Maybe then. I'm going to take it as it comes.

Thanks for asking. I'm working on my PMA.

AJ

[AJM]

Almost forgot. She also noticed the haircut and seemed relieved it was from yesterday and not before because we really hadn't seen each other since. That's new.

AJ

[mindfull]

AJ - So, what's the good word?

[AJM]

Thanks MB. I wouldn't say it was a good word per se.

Too early to tell though.

Things have been decent. She's made a real effort to talk. Asked me out on a date for our birthday celebration (birthday on the same day).

Yesterday, she came to church, but still snubbed me a bit. I can live with that. I was heading to the grocery store yesterday afternoon and asked her if she needed anything. She started running down the list out loud and that suddenly became a R conversation (my head was spinning, but I have been expecting it). She told me about her conversation with MC.

The basic outcome? She wants to separate but still be exclusive. Date, sex, etc. Just feels that if she doesn't move out like this she'll end up showing up with papers one day. My choices seem limited. I told her the truth - I'm not sure I can do that. Separate without it being final. She started crying and talking more. psycho stuff about identity development and how she missed her opportunity. I heard that to be she needs to find herself. I don't buy that, but it's how she feels. In the end of that conversation, I told her I love her and I love her unconditionally, but that I'm not sure I can stay married through such an arrangement. I told her to not jump to any conclusions about my ability to handle it and to let me talk with the MC before we talk further about it.

We went to dinner last night as planned. She started drinking and the accusations came out. I defended more than I should have, but less than I felt like. Kept it cool. We ended the night on a positive note. Laughed, cried, had fun in general.

During the afternoon she did say that she does care about my feelings. That's been a long time since I've heard that. I told her that as well. She also said she had been upset for years. That we had not connected for years. I did say that I felt like I've been lied to and have been living a lie. It hurt me to hear that. I'll have to take that up with the MC but I did say it. I also asked her what she hopes to get from moving out. She says she can't relax at home with me there. I asked if she moves out, and still can't relax, what then?

During the evening conversation, she tells me that I'm the one that stopped sharing my life years ago. I'm upset about that because she tells me I did something that she's done for many more years. <sigh> I'm hurt and angry. I didn't tell her all of that. I'll save it for the MC. I think it's important that we be friends for now and get more information from the MC to see why she seemed ok with the idea of separation.

She also accused me of trying to control the relationship. I feel like she's been trying to control it for the last year or so by putting me in nice_neat_time-slice_of a box. I'll have to bring that up with the MC as well.

In the end, feelings are feelings. I do need to her to heal and I do love her unconditionally - no expectations. I'm just not sure that I can put my kids through this as it would have a serious impact on them. Especially at risk is my daughter. When I brought up how my daughter needs her mom last night, I noticed the defensiveness really spike. Mommy guilt. I get it. I can't do anything about it either.

Anyway, it saddens and angers me to see this. I am the one who now has the decision to make. When I first told her I didn't think I could do it, she started crying and said "then we'll have to get the papers drawn up." Just need to figure out if I believe her or not. So far I do and so far I'm not sure if that's something I should avoid.

She seems to think that through separation we can be friends and lovers and parents. I'm not as sure as she seems to be.

I'm spinning I think

AJ

[AJM]

One other thing I should have mentioned: she mentioned that six months ago, she could have left. She hated me at the time. She said now, she thinks there's hope. She sees the leaving as a way to start over.

Not sure what to say about that. Thoughts?

AJ

[stillloveshim]

In the end, feelings are feelings. I do need to her to heal and I do love her unconditionally - no expectations.

Read something recently that I completely agree with. Men and women do not because they cannot love each unconditionally. You can only love unconditionally as a parent.

There are conditions to love between men and women.
If I thought my husband had not given up some of the crap that's gone on during this roller coaster ride, I would not still be fighting here.....and to me that's a condition. Am I wrong?

If you tell her that you're not sure you can live apart and stay married, isn't that a condition? I'm not sure.

[AJM]

You may be right. I may be lying to myself.

AJ

[mindfull]

AJ - I have 2.2 secs... I hate this for you.

[stillloveshim]

It all sucks. I hate this for all of us.
AJ, what are you thinking now?
Maybe you should let her do this....it may be what is needed to really bring her home....?????

[AJM]

One of the questions that was brought up today to me: how do you date somebody that doesn't want to be with you? I can't answer that at the moment, but it does tap into part of how I feel. Part of me.

My biggest concerns are the kids. I'm worried how this will look to them. How this will impact their relationships in the future. How they will be scarred by this.

I can't change that pain for them except to keep from prolonging it. Perhaps. I suppose its really not over anyway. She's still here. She hasn't filed.

I was advised to get her to write down her proposal in detail. To also write down what I am and am not willing to live with; keep that to me for now. Then take the proposal back to the MC and work it out. Then bring the kids along for the final hoorah.

I hate this sh** but I have to see it through. My feelings are about exhausted. I can only imagine hers but I can't help that. I know from the marriage counselor that she's thinking about us all the time and its wearing her out. I'm having a hard time seeing that, but it comes down to I don't know what I don't know.

Time to start working.

I hate this sh**. I need a vacation.

AJ