hello..I have been on the boards for too long. I was D'd at the end of 2008. I was separated for about 9 months up to that point. My situation has only been going on since Aug 07.
I am writing in this section because of the news I found out this week. I always suspected my W of having another M. She confirmed it on xmas eve '07 when she said she had a crush on him and wanted to be with him. She never admitted anything physical. I had also seen emails etc in Aug 07 making me very suspicious. These messages were 'i really miss you', 'i dont care about tostada', stuff like that. She assured me in the spring of '08 that OM was out of the picture, they werent friends, he didnt want to risk his marriage, etc.
So, last week, i get a call from a friend. OM W had called his W and said that OM emailed her stating he wanted a divorce. OM W had heard rumors her H was having an affair with my W. I also have confirmed through another mutual friend that OMW wanted information regarding this affair.
W was at my house the other day to talk to my kids. She confirmed that she is in love with this guy, he is so perfect for her, they have so much in common, they are best friends, they communcate so well, etc. She also told me that OM W is taking it really well and that I'm not as mature as she is.
To me, he's lying to OM and my W.
I have been very upset about this news. Its devastating to know she was lying to me the entire time about this. I feel so betrayed. However, in some sense, it makes me feel better. I know the reason. And, I know that all the crap she said was wrong with our marriage is likely false. This guy had her attention and everything about me had to be wrong.
All the research I have done on married affairs is that they are very unlikely to last. My hunch is my W will crash and burn and hit bottom big time when this is over. I think she may realize all the hurt and destruction she caused for her premier selfishness.
I am still participating on the board because I love my W. She has really hurt me, but I do love her. I hope she wakes up from this fantasy and I get to decide what I want to do next. I dont know that decision right now, but I hope I get to make it.
I have been very upset about this news. Its devastating to know she was lying to me the entire time about this. I feel so betrayed.
Of course they were lying. ALL CHEATERS LIE. Period.
There's almost always another person. And they will ALWAYS lie about it, or - at best - cop to one level LESS than one's really going on.
I'm sorry you had to hear about this, but -- like you said -- at least you now have some explanation for her behavior. Affairs really do change them physiologically.
Right now I have no options. But, if presented and I saw true remorse, true change, true pain from wife for what she did, I suppose I would consider working on it. Do I think that will happen? It might. She is whipped and she may feel like I do and figure out she screwed up.
Right now I have no options. But, if presented and I saw true remorse, true change, true pain from wife for what she did, I suppose I would consider working on it. Do I think that will happen? It might. She is whipped and she may feel like I do and figure out she screwed up.
I read something in the Not 'just friends' book that might be disheartening to some. Lots of times when a spouse is cheating on you - they don't feel guilty, and they really don't think about the BS at all. It is about them and their selfish desires, and nothing else matters.
So when you expect remorse from them... they really aren't able to empathize with you without counseling.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Yes, but when they are hurt, do they realize what it is they did?
Not until later when they are able to put some perspective on the situation. When they are in the "fantasy" of the A, its all butterflies and unicorns and any guilt or feeling bad is usually cured with magical thinking or another dose of the "OP Drug."
Hate to be Cpt. Bringdown, but its just the reality. The book "Not Just Friends" is kind of depressing, but it is a really good look at the inner workings and its sometimes brutal to read, but it will arm you with information.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Some do die their own natural death, but even then, there is a LOT of healing that needs to take place, on both the WAS and the BS. Also, the longer the affair goes on, the stronger the emotional attachment, financial drain, emotional drain on the BS, and even medical issues if the affair is a PA.
