It's amazing how much better a workout makes us feel, isn't it--keep it up!!
As for xh's mother--wow! I mean WOW!! What an unbelievable piece of work she was. It sounds as though she had almost no maternal instincts at all. You ask what sort of grandmother doesn't go to ballet recitals or spend time with her grandson or help her own children out when they're unwell. I'd say, it's the sort of woman who lives so much in her own world that she has little sense of what "normal" people do. I can only assume that her own family of origin modelled selfish, un-child-friendly behaviour, and she never learned better.
And yet, your stories suggest that XH's sister could identify problematic family dynamics, and his brother was a better parent to his daughters than the example he'd been given--sometimes I wonder how it is that some people rise above their childhood environment, while others keep stuck repeating generational mistakes?
Essentially, your XH was never mothered. Somewhere in the back of my mind I remember having read about the drastic effects on men of never having been mothered, and I THINK it was that they never got past that little-child stage of me-me-me-me, to a place where they could respect and empathize with others. So the selfishness may be genetic, or it may also be from never really having had his needs met. You're right--he really needs therapy for what his mother did as well as his father before he can truly be happy. But what a heap of garbage to wade through!
I had issues with my MIL almost from the time we met, especially when her controlling ways impacted our married life or our kids. But my H did just like your XH, defending and minimizing and laughing off a few memories that were closer to abuse than humour. Also, if it came to a toss-up between "obeying" her or doing what I wanted, he was unable to resist her, which just made me furious. It also spelled doom for our marriage, at least in its initial state.
When she died, I couldn't believe how everybody in the family talked about her as though she were almost saintly--not that she hadn't also been generous and thoughtful, it's just that they seemed in a huge rush to erase all the rotten things. Partway through counselling, H wondered what had precipitated the MLC. I gently tossed out the idea of his mom, but he refused to entertain that. It was a year later, when he began to admit that some of her treatment of him had been abuse, that I knew progress had been made. It's sad that these sons would rather go down the MLC sinkhole fighting for their mother's honour than admit she was imperfect and so keep a grip on themselves.
I'm curious--this family sounds like one that generally keeps its imperfections hidden. How did the abuse come out in the first place? Were the siblings eager to support the first one who talked, or would they have preferred to keep the secret buried?
By the way, you write really well, and have a great eye for detail--your contrast between the two mothers taking care of a sick man is really well done. Have you ever considered taking a writing class, as one of your GAL activities?
Have a good weekend! And if it snows, I hope that's the last time.
