Sam, please take this in the friendly way it is intended...
::whack with 2x4::
Originally Posted By: Sam1007
I really don't have any expectations for MC, except that I hope that it will help her with her depressive state of mind. (snip)
I do think that if she starts to think in a little bit more positive way about things, including our M, that it will steer her in the direction of a reconciliation. I really believe that the only thing that is holding her back from moving back in is that she wants to feel sexual desire for me. And I don't think she has any sexual desire at all right now. Maybe the MC might be able to help with that aspect also?
Uh, those sound like expectations to me. And the second one is a BIG and UNREASONABLE one. It's one session. There is no guarantee there will be any more at this point.
Back to the basics - you cannot control what your W feels or does. You can only control yourself. What do you want to get out of this MC session?
I use the 2x4 because I love...
I don't mean to discourage you, just want to see you grounded in reality.
pearl,
You are totally right!! I take your 2x4 knowing that I deserved it. Those are expectations. Especially the last one is a big and unreasonable one. I did not realize how it sounded until you posted it back to me.
Now, I just want to clarify a few things about where I come from so you have the whole background. That is NOT to try and prove you wrong, because you are not!!! I DO deserve your 2x4 and I realize that I should not have ANY expectations whether regarding our R/M or her state of mind. You called me on that and I appreciate that! That's what friends do, they speak their mind, they don't just say what they think you want to hear. So please bear with me for a few paragraphs.
I did not mean to say that MC could help her desire for me, but desire in general. I guess where I was coming from was that she is a rape victim (~20 yrs ago) and her "drive" has been dropping off gradually since several years before the "bomb". Several people that know about this and know us both very well have told me that she may still be dealing with that at some level. In the current sitch, she's told me that she feels intimate with me in all aspects, except sexually. But you are still completely right that it's not a couple of MC sessions that are going to deal with that, and it's unreasonable to expect that, so I won't.
I also do want to say that the main reason for me to arrange the MC session is because she said she felt really free to talk to the MC last time we went, and she needs help. Since the start of the separation, she's been sick, in and out of the hospital for chest pains and other conditions, she's collapsed (fainted) once and ended up in the ER, and in general she's completely stressed out. She's admitted to me that she needs help. Others in my family and hers tell me and her that she needs help. I just took the opportunity of her long depressing email as a chance to arrange for that help. And primarily for her to get out of her downward spiral that she's in. She tells me she's not happy right now and I honestly DO want her to be happy! If she was happy right now being on her own without me, I would be able to accept that she's just not happy with me, but she's not and she tells me so. She also told me that's she's not sure MC is going to help "us" and I told her that is fine, the main reason is for her to feel better and get her life in order. I told her that if that helps "us" in the end, then even better, but first she needs help to figure out why she's not happy on her own.
As far as what I want out of MC? I want to discuss my depression/mini-MLC I had a few years back with her and understand more fully how I can prevent slipping down so deep into a depression in the future. I certainly want to avoid the effect it had on my current M in the future, whether in this M or in any new R's.
As I posted earlier, I fully realize that MC could make us go in any direction, even the ones I don't want. So I will NOT have ANY expectation, we'll see what happens.
Thanks for the wack in the head pearl! Seriously! I needed someone to set me straight.
