It seems to me that the utter PREDICTABILITY of her behavior might be an opportunity for you to plan something -- ahead of time -- that would be a new reaction for you.
Naturally, I have no freaking clue what that would BE, but I'm just sayin' . . .
I stopped by her office today as I had to check a couple things at the Refinery.
And lo and behold, the glass is gone from her shelf. Now I'm not so stupid as to think that she threw it away, but it's no longer anywhere visible in her office.
I'm guessing here, but after the great weekend we had and great Monday, did she take the glass down and now is going through some WD?
I also asked her about sleeping on the couch and she said she took some sudafed last night and she fell a sleep on the couch and didn't wake up til 1:30 and thought it was stupid to go upstairs then. That sounds reasonable to me.
But get this. I really just stopped in to say hi and I told her I knew she was busy and I'd let her get back to work and she just kept talking and talking. I asked her a couple questions that she kind of snapped at and I called her on it and her tone changed IMMEDIATELY. I literally said "I'll let you get back to work" 4 times and she just kept bringing up more things to talk about.
Kind of sounds like WD to me? Or am I off base here?
So here's the questions. Do I thank her for taking the glass down? Sounds like an opportunity to reward good behavior to me.
I would just say "I noticed that you got rid of the glass and I wanted to thank you. You don't know how much that means to me to know you are considering my feelings in this".
What do ya think?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
It seems to me that the utter PREDICTABILITY of her behavior might be an opportunity for you to plan something -- ahead of time -- that would be a new reaction for you.
Naturally, I have no freaking clue what that would BE, but I'm just sayin' . . .
Puppy
Oh, I've got something planned if this the predictability of this continues. Now that I know she took the glass down, I'm going to give her some time to see if she is truly WD'ing. We go to Disney in 6 weeks. I know we'll connect when we're there.
If we come back and this pattern repeats itself, I'm going to tell her that obviously something is going on while she's at work that affects how she is with me and would she like to talk about it? If she doesn't bite, I've made up my mind to tell her that there's obviously something going on while she's at work and I'm done trying if she can't/won't be truthful with me.
Probably won't word it exactly like that, but something along those lines.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Ok. If she took the glass down, she may have also stopped any kind of contact with him as well (messaging). That would result in depression and huge mood swings. So, yeah, I'd just chalk it up as that since you aren't sure.
Nah, I wouldn't say anything to her about the glass. She did what you wanted. Done. Now, you can stop focusing on the glass.
I don't know...I'm here thinking about your guys' relationship. You know it is normal to have ups and downs all the time, right? You say you "connect" on these trips....these trips are times when you can relax and give each other time and most couples do this and feel really calm and connected. Other every day times...it is normal to have the ups and downs. On top of the fact she is menapausal, AND women are just normally moody at times. EVERY TIME you call her on the way she is talking to you that you don't like or call her on how she is acting, she has ALWAYS changed and/or apologized. Hope, I think you guys are doing well. Marriage doesn't just all of the sudden get perfect. Relationships aren't like that. You will always have to work on it...always.
Oh WDID. I hear what you're saying. Yes, marriages have their ups and downs. But every weekend and times away and vacations = good and when she's at work = withdrawn from me?
There's too much of a pattern. Something at work is triggering her. It's just so consistent that it has to be something there that's triggering her or going on that causes it.
And the problem I have is, if she truly wants to see if we can make it work, wouldn't you want to do whatever you could to not have those triggers? You yourself have told me so. So why should it be different for her?
You're correct, when I do call her on it, she changes her tune. I will keep doing it. Maybe it's like you said either here or on FB, it's like she needs to be trained on what's acceptable to me because in the past I let her get away with it?
I'm still not sure about thanking her for getting rid of the glass or not. Yes, she did what she wanted. And I really appreciate it. But I can see her thinking "I got rid of the glass and he doesn't even acknowledge it"?
Food for thought. Keep the opinions coming. It's 2 to 1 against saying anything to her about the glass.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Well, you are there with her and know the real her. YOu know if she has always been like this or not. When she worked before was she different during the week? When I was working outside of the home I was definitely diffferent during the week. Teaching was stressful, I had given everything to my students, and had even more to do when I got home, so the weekend was the only time I could really relax (or vacations). It's different now, though, because I work from home and I don't have the stress of teaching a large class.
Yeah, I've told you before I didn't understand the whole glass thing. I needed to get rid of that stuff. It did take me a while. I had expensive clothes, expensive watches, trinkets...it was part of the withdrawal. Slowly but surely I got rid of them. And, remember, sure she may be trying to make you guys work, but does she think that you may not be able to get over stuff so does she feel like you have that back door open still? Maybe for her, this is her back door to protect herself as well.
"You're correct, when I do call her on it, she changes her tune. I will keep doing it. Maybe it's like you said either here or on FB, it's like she needs to be trained on what's acceptable to me because in the past I let her get away with it?" YEP, I still believe this.
I still say "no" to the thank you. Not that you never bring it up, but you could bring it up at a time when it makes sense. Unless, of course, you want to have a real relationship talk about it and REALLY talk about it. But, I don't think you want to do that. I never think REALLY communicating with her about those things is a bad idea. You guys couldn't communicate enough at this point. IMO.
I've never seen so many mood changes in one 2 1/2 day period in all my life.
It started Friday when she got home from work and continued until I went to bed last night. Wild mood swings multiple times per day, some within a few minutes. I just sat back and observed.
She spent probably 5 total hours this weekend, maybe more than that, sitting on the couch looking at some split ends in her hair or staring out of the doors into the back yard.
Sunday morning she was in a pretty good mood after she got up. At one point she was messing around on the computer and I looked over and she was checking her email on her personal account. She opened an email, looked at it for a few seconds and then closed it and got out of the email quickly. Who knows what it was?
Another part I struggle with is how everything points to her wanting us together, but at the same time, not being willing to do what's necessary for us to have a chance. And I don't know if it's the A messing with her head or it's mentapause and her hormones are a ragin or a combo of both.
It's hard not to think she's up to no good. I could be totally off base, but I did a lot of thinking this weekend and I don't think I want to be with her when she thinks that secrecy is ok in a marriage. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she's just like her mother and if that's what she's learned as acceptable in a marriage, then am I just wasting my time? Because it's not acceptable to me.
I feel like I'm the back up plan. Like she's continuing to "act" like she's trying, but in reality isn't and then when S16 graduates in a year, she'll say "see, it isn't working, I want a D" and that's it.
I don't know. I'm not going to do anything drastic right now. I know she's in a messed up place. But how long can I keep it up?
I do know I'm looking forward to being out of town beginning Wed night. I'm hoping the 4 nights away give me some clarity in what I want.
Talk to ya soon.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Another part I struggle with is how everything points to her wanting us together, but at the same time, not being willing to do what's necessary for us to have a chance. And I don't know if it's the A messing with her head or it's mentapause and her hormones are a ragin or a combo of both.
Don't discount pure old-fashioned stubbornness, and an inability to come to the mature conclusion that what she risked was all for nothing.
She seems to be at some sort of internal crossroads. Now not even her weekends are free of the moods.
