First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone that has posted their story on this forum. With the rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings that I have been feeling the last four weeks, I felt like I was the only one out there. Unfortunately, it feels like this rollercoaster only heads down. From reading through various posts on here, it looks like there are many more people in similar, if not exact, situations. Not that I would wish this experience on anyone, it is comforting to know that there are others out there that have/are going through this.

I guess that I will start with where I am at and how I got here (or at least my best guess). My wife and I have been married for five years and we were together for ten years prior to that. Essentially, we have been together for half of our lives. I was 15 when we started going out and she was 14. I am now 30 and she is 29. Another unique twist on our situation is that we met in Saudi Arabia. My father worked there for four years and I went to school there. We had a lot of ups and downs with the long distance relationship when I moved back to the states when I was 18. Fortunately, she moved back ~9 months after me and we were able to continue our relationship.

On Sunday, March 8th I returned home from a weekend fishing trip with my brother. I said my usual "Hi Honey" when I walked through the door and walked into the living room. When I got into the living room, I could tell that my wife was upset (her arms were crossed and she had been crying). I immediately went up to her to ask what was wrong and she said that we needed to talk. She proceeded to tell me that she had been unhappy in our marriage for a while now (2 years) and wanted to separate. She felt that we had just become acquaintances and had grown apart. She said that she didn't know if she was IN love with me any longer, although she knew that she loved me. This was the last thing that I would have ever expected to hear and it completely knocked me to the ground. We had not been fighting, there were no major stresses (money, kids, etc..), and leading up to this things seemed very normal to me (talking, going out, hanging out, romance, etc...).

Not believing what I was hearing, I immediately began asking if there was anything else we could do (counseling, me move to a friends, separate bedrooms, etc..). She insisted that she felt the only way that she could be happy would be by moving to her own place. Initially she was completely against marriage counseling, but I did get her to agree to go. After a while of me trying to negotiate, I finally told her that I don't agree with her decision, but I do support her in her decision. By Thursday, March 12th she had signed a 6 month lease on an apartment and on Saturday March 14th she moved out. Needless to say, I was devastated and felt that my world was crashing down on me.

To top everything off, March 12th was our five year wedding anniversary and our 15 year anniversary of being together. We went out and had a nice dinner together, although my mind was racing with all of this going on. She did take me to her apartment before moving in and we checked everything out. It was sad, but I was thankful that she let be a part of that. I have not been there since she moved in. I didn't help her move her things, it was just too hard for me to see that happen. When I walked in the house after she had left, it brought me to my knees. It didn't even feel like our home any longer.

One of the hardest things to deal with is how cold and distant she became in what seemed overnight. It was like she had made up her mind on what she was doing and didn't want to be influenced in any way. This was a side of her that I had never seen in our 15 years of being together. She didn't want to hold hands, kiss or even talk about the situation. It hurt.

I went to an individual counseling session on March 19th and it went well. The counselor told me to make sure and listen to my wife and give her what she needs. The hard part about this is that my wife says she is confused and doesn't know what she needs/wants. This makes the situation that much more confusing for me. We have now gone to two joint counselling sessions and one individual evaluation session each. Last night the counselor had our evaluation session where he evaluates the state of our marriage. In a nutshell, it went as I expected. There are some serious issues that will have to be re-built for this marriage to stand a chance. He didn't offer hope that the marriage will survive or not. Just that they are going to teach us what and why things went wrong. I am not sure if it makes a difference, but the counselors are trained under Dr. John Gottman and use his methodology.

I have ordered three books that haven't arrived yet; The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Relationship Cure, and of course Divorce Busting. I am really looking forward to them getting here. I will keep the Divorce Busting book private to myself, but I will share the other two books with my wife as they written by Dr. Gottman and are the principles that we are going over in counseling.

In terms of contact, I have tried to give her the space that she needs. I was calling, texting and emailing a couple of times per day in the first couple of weeks, but I have tried quitting those things as well. I was proud of myself because I went two days of not making contact this week and trying to keep myself occupied. I have some great friends and we have spent 2-3 hours in the gym every night. I am certainly leaning on my friends harder than I ever have. We spoke briefly this morning and she asked that I call her this afternoon so that we can discuss last nights counselling session. She was sick last night and we didn't visit very much when the session ended.

Needless to say, I am still very confused with all of this. I don't know when it is ok to talk to her, when it isn't. If it ok to suggest going to dinner, or if it isn't. I am trying to pick myself up and prove to myself that I will come out of this situation ok no matter which direction it turns. I will be ok and things will get better, I just need to learn patience. I sincerely love my wife and want our marriage to pull through this more than anything. I feel in my heart that we can work through this and make the necessary changes to succeed. I just hope that she finds it in her to give us a shot.


M 30
WAW 29
T 15
M 5
ILYBNILWY 3/8/09
Separated 3/14/09

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