(Pearl to exBF).. "I want to take this slow with you exBF and I realize that we both have some major concerns. I realized that when we were apart that I want and need to be wooed. I want romance, I want fun, I want a man who is thoughtful. I want to be with a man who wants to be an "us". I want to feel like the man I am with WANTS me. I need to be honest here exBF, and I am not sure that is who you are, or the type of man you are. I realized that I didn't feel those things from you or get those things with you before. I will not settle for anything less this time. If "we" can't have that in our relationship, then I am not interested in seeing where this goes because I know I will not be happy. When I love a man I am willing to give him my all, but I am not going to do it with ANY man who can't seem to give those things back. I now know that there are men out there who want to do those things for their women. I just am not sure that is who you are. I don't feel right now that I am willing to give much to you because of those reasons. This is nothing against you for being who you are and I know that you have things you need too, but I just wanted to be honest and not give any false hope here. What do you think?"
AND then let him respond... He either will do the same things he has done in the past or he will get the "message" without it feeling like a "have to do it or else"...
THAT, was phenomenal. I really like that approach, Pearl. It reminds me of a management technique I was taught, where instead of personally "attacking" a salesperson, say, for not generating enough new business, we were taught to position it as "The PERSON WHO SITS IN THAT CHAIR OVER THERE, WILL generate new business. THE PERSON WHO SITS IN THAT CHAIR, WILL be willing to knock on doors and do what it takes to do that. THE PERSON WHO SITS IN THAT CHAIR," . . . etc. "The only question Cheryl, is whether or not YOU are the person who's going to sit in that chair, and I'll leave that choice entirely up to you. Now, take the rest of the day off and come back tomorrow and you and I will sit down and talk first thing, and you can let me know what you think."
Something like that.
It's the principle of saying "This is what I (the company) need; but it's up to YOU to let me know if you are the one who can give it to me, because I will no longer settle."
It's also very similar to the distinction we try to make on here between "boundaries" (ME oriented) vs. "controlling" behavior (YOU oriented). "This is what I need in order to feel safe in the relationship," vs. "THESE ARE THE THINGS I NEED YOU TO DO FOR ME."
