WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[confusedinpa]

No text/emails from her today. Guess she's working on moving more stuff in her apt

She's shopping for bunkbeds tonite. Not sure if I will have a chance to talk with her tonite. Then again, I'm not sure what there is to say.

Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

Anybody?

[Coach]

Anybody?

What are you going to do for yourself this weekend?

[MrBond]

Yes, what do you plan to do this weekend while your W is moving out? You should do something.

Don't engage her tonight. If she wants to bring something up, then let her. But just focus on yourself. If she baits you into something about the R, you're going to find yourself losing it again like last night.

Don't use the line about getting tired or its late if things get too heated. Tell her flat out that both of your emotions are running high and that you believe you both should take a break to revisit the issue with calmer heads. That way it doesn't seem like you're avoiding the issue. That what she does when she says she's tired. She's essentially telling you to shut up. So don't do the same.

[confusedinpa]

She's not moving this weekend. She started moving stuff though. I did lose it when I got home and she had taken our wedding glasses to her apt. I told her I feel like she's not treating me fairly as it seems she gets to decide what I get. I told her that its not what she's taking. Its how she's going about it

She said she didn't talk about it as it seems like we can't ever reach a decision so she feels trapped. She said she feels that if she doesn't leave soon there really is no hope. She started to cry not out of anger but sadness. I do want to believe her

Suddenly I saw the woman I love in severe pain and it hurt me. I told her how I see she is really hurting. This is a horrible situation that we are in. The space will do us both good to heal.

I'm still upset but no longer mad. I'm more upset how hurt my wife is.

[MrBond]

I think her taking the wedding glasses is a great thing. It's when she's not taking anything that represents you two that you worry.

"I'm still upset but no longer mad. I'm more upset how hurt my wife is."

THAT'S compassion! You're getting it.

[confusedinpa]

After we put the kids to bed, my wife asked if I wanted to talk about how I felt about her taking stuff out of the home. I told her that I was hurt as I felt she was being unfair and disrespectful. I reminded her how she always said that she was going to be fair and not take anything away from me. So I said, let's be realistic, how she is going about taking stuff out of the family home is unfair and she is taking the family, home and kids away from me. She appologized.

I then shifted into compassion mode of how I do see how she is genuinely hurting and needs the space to heal. I told her how it is a terrible situation that we had gotten ourselves into. She said that she really needs to leave before all hope is gone. I challenged her how I hear her, but I don't see her actions her words. She asked what I meant. I said that what she said is that she's implying hope to saving the marriage. She backpedaled a little saying that she was going to see if there was a reason to change her mind once she has healed. I then said that we will never heal as we have to continue to discussion related to divorce process. Just look at our discussion on custody. I said if she really intends on seeing if there is a reason to change her mind, could she consider postponing any more divorce related matters until that point. She said she would think about it.

I said I hope she meant it not just to try and pacify me to get me to agree to her terms.

Then she asked if I wanted to know what she was planning on taking out of the home for her apartment. I said only if she was genuinely open to discussion. She asked what did I mean. I said if she was just going to tell me, I rather not hear it. If she was going to be open to discussion and compromise on what she wanted to take, then I would be interested. She said that she was open to dialog and compromise.

She rattled off about a dozen pieces of furniture (basically all the newest and best stuff). I didn't have any issues until she said that she was just going to take the mattress and boxsprings out of the master bedroom set. I told her that I'm ok will all the items except for the mattress and boxsprings. She then went into the "I'm not working her mode" and won't let her take anything. I reminded her that I was ok with everything she had listed except for 1 item. How was that not letting her take anything. Then she said that she might as well push for the division of assets then. I told her if that's her way of threatening the possibility of saving the marriage again, then she is right. I told her that I see she was getting upset/angry and we should cool off before we say something hurtful.

We sat quietly until she got up. I asked if she was going to bed already. She said only if I wasn't going to talk anymore. I said that I was ok to talk now if she was ok. She said she was. Then she went to explain about why she wanted the mattress and box springs. She was really strapped financially to buy everything that she needs for the apartment. I said I can sympatize but feel that with her taking all the other furniture (dinning room and living room set), I should be able to keep the mattress and box springs from the bedroom.

She then said that I should buy her out as I was getting all the other furniture. I mentioned to her that she's leaving all the furniture that she didn't want/like anymore. So why does she get to decide what I get.

She got upset and went upstairs crying. I went upstairs (in counseling she complained how in the past she would go up crying and I wouldn't go up to find out what was wrong). She was really upset about feeling trapped. I said I can see how hurt and angry you feel. I wish I knew what to say or do to help. She didn't offer anything. She then sat on the couch in our sitting room crying. I touched her lightly on her back and said how did we get ourselves into this situation. She said we really messed things up. I acknowledged and validated. I said that perhaps she should go sleep in the apartment tonite. She said she wanted to but was afraid I would say she left and abandoned the kids.

I told her that we can try to figure out what to do tomorrow.

She went to bed.

Another backslide to the relationship. I should have just dropped the conversation after she said that she would consider postponing any more divorce proceedings....

[confusedinpa]

Anybody?

[MrBond]

Overall you did great. You set a boundary at the bed and told her how she was taking everything else she wanted.

You also did great in validating her feelings. You were really in touch with how she was feeling and was able to stop her when she got too intense. The cooling off period worked like a charm.

She can cry all she wants, but you did well in saying what you will and will not tolerate.

"She said she wanted to but was afraid I would say she left and abandoned the kids."

She's pretty messed up in the head to say something like that. Have you ever told her that before? I don't think I've ever seen you mention anything like that here.

Great job overall.

[confusedinpa]

I am really struggling with my situation (as I'm sure many others are as well)

I'm torn as my wife right now feels trapped and feels she needs to leave ASAP. I have told her that I love her so much that I want her to fell free so I will not stand in her way

I do not want her to leave but I know its the right thing to do. When she leaves, that may be the last time she lives with me

Having her stay right now, as well as during the last 3 months has not changed her mind about the divorce. Is her staying a cheeseless tunnel? She still hasn't found a reason to work on the marriage. She is mad and frustrated. Right now, she can't see having a happy life with me. Is it truly too late?

Do I just agree with whatever she wants to take from the house or stand up for what I want? Problem is I see the woman I love hurting and it hurts me. Also, I want my marriage more than any of the things. Problem is the marriage maybe so far gone that there is nothing there to want

I do agree with what my wife said last nite, we have messed up bad. I know we are both hurting.

I don't want the next 2 weeks of being constant dialogs that just add to the hurt/resentment

We need to heal

I don't know what to do

Maybe my wife is right this is all a facade

I am truly confused and devastated

I've worked my 180 and she is frustrated when she sees me now doing exactly what she wanted me to do last year. She's mad and frustrated as she feels her words meant nothing back then. It wasn't until she told me that she filed for divorce that I got it.

I know that was the past, I get it now. Its just too late for her