I do want to say something about her trying to reach that place where she wants to work on the M. (May not be her exact wording.) You see, I know what she means by that b/c I actually told my H that I had to reach the point where I was willing "to be willing". Does that make sense? She is trying to do this out of her "will" and not necessarily by "feelings" and I know that stings you, but it is what it is. She realizes that she just does not feel willing, but that she needs to do work toward a M with you. She has a long way to go and she needs to see a lot of changes in you. She just can't find a lot of hope right now b/c her feeling are pretty low where the M is concerned. You want more b/c you want the sex and the whole thing right away. Most men do b/c it is normal for them, however, she is trying to see if the two of you can make a go of being friends, first, and if you can't even be friends, then she is thinking that you can forget being lovers (IMHO). It goes against the grain for a man b/c he doesn't want to wait. His "needs" causes him to be very impatient. I had been M a long time when I had an EA. I did not want to stay in my M, and it took a very long time for me to really get to the point of wanting to be with my H. It was baby steps like you wouldn't believe. Don't ask me how long it took b/c it was so slow, I don't even know. And, I wasn't looking at the calendar.
So, are you willing to go the distance if it means waiting and working to become close again, b/c it is not going to happen in just a few weeks and maybe even months. This is not to discourage you, but to be frank and honest so you will have an idea of what you are facing. I do hope you will talk to a DB coach.
Sandi,
Thanks for the advice. It does sting a lot to know that our M has fallen so far that she has to muster the energy to work on our M, but I do get it. I understand "why" we are where we are. I own my faults and my actions that caused us to get here and I understand hers as well. We are both at fault. I want to get things back and I think she does but she is still fighting it. She is very confused. She gives good signals and bad signals. Today was bad. She wasn't hopeful at all. She told me that things probably won't work. I told her that is ok, I just hope she doesn't give up without trying. I told her this morning that we need to stop all R talk except in MC and that we just needed to work on being friends. I told her that I still considered her my best friend and that hasn't changed throughout all of this. She told me that she couldn't say the same for me. That stung too. She later texted me and said that we haven't been acting like best friends for a long time and that is why she said that. Still stings, but I understand and told her that I did. I said that I want to continue being nice to each other and try to work on things as friends and and see if we can build from there. But NO R TALK PERIOD, and that was mainly a message for me from me.
I am impatient, we all already know that. I do want things to get better and would rather it be sooner than later, but I also understand that IF anything is going to improve, it will be a long time. I am willing to wait and go the distance. I have been pretty needy lately and that has set us back. I was needing validation that she was going to try to work on things and when she couldn't or wouldn't give it, my feelings would get hurt and then we would go into a tailspin. That has been fixed today and we will move on from here. But I am willing to go through whatever hell is out there to make this marriage work and be better than ever before.
I am going to call and set something up today with the coach.
