My H has been talking of leaving me for a completely new life, leaving the US moving to Canada and living with a group of friends. However, H has been telling me this for a few months. I felt this was a MLC and he disagrees, he won't see a counselor with me and he feels as though he has been unhappy for some time and we've been married 15 years and are set in our ways and things won't change; or more importantly I won't change.
I was taken completely off guard so read DB and began applying DB techniques. My H remarked a few days ago that he has been somewhat happy these few weeks noticing small changes in me but H wants me to know that those changes are too late and they were only done when a fire was light under my a**. I told them those changes were for me and they were permanent. H told me he still feels torn and really wants to go.
We talk in circles and H always has some comeback for everything I say, I've never done well in verbal communication, much better in writing. H says he is so torn because he loves me very much, I am his best friend, he feels he would be crazy to leave someone who is caring, attentive and a genuinely good person; however, he feels that we have worn out of marriage and that I am just to set in my ways and he wants to live and his friends in Canada have a very tempting group of friends and lifestyle. So on one hand he sees nothing in the future for us, but is so torn he thinks it will take months to try and figure out.
Right now I feel used. He is going to visit his friends in Canada on 4/18 to 4/26 and I really feel like telling him that if he has not committed to our marriage by the end of April we should go our separate ways. The DB rules would indicate this would be a wrong choice, but is there ever a good time to call this thing to head and force a decision? I feel as long as I stay and act happy, etc. that H will never need to officially make a decision. H's delusional feeling is he wishes he could live with me 1/2 of the year and in Canada 1/2 of the year.
Bottom line - is it ever okay to give an ultimatum? If not, would welcome some coping skills. If not, can you end up resenting the person who keeps you twisting in the wind and decide to leave yourself?
