My H has been talking of leaving me for a completely new life, leaving the US moving to Canada and living with a group of friends. However, H has been telling me this for a few months. I felt this was a MLC and he disagrees, he won't see a counselor with me and he feels as though he has been unhappy for some time and we've been married 15 years and are set in our ways and things won't change; or more importantly I won't change.
I was taken completely off guard so read DB and began applying DB techniques. My H remarked a few days ago that he has been somewhat happy these few weeks noticing small changes in me but H wants me to know that those changes are too late and they were only done when a fire was light under my a**. I told them those changes were for me and they were permanent. H told me he still feels torn and really wants to go.
We talk in circles and H always has some comeback for everything I say, I've never done well in verbal communication, much better in writing. H says he is so torn because he loves me very much, I am his best friend, he feels he would be crazy to leave someone who is caring, attentive and a genuinely good person; however, he feels that we have worn out of marriage and that I am just to set in my ways and he wants to live and his friends in Canada have a very tempting group of friends and lifestyle. So on one hand he sees nothing in the future for us, but is so torn he thinks it will take months to try and figure out.
Right now I feel used. He is going to visit his friends in Canada on 4/18 to 4/26 and I really feel like telling him that if he has not committed to our marriage by the end of April we should go our separate ways. The DB rules would indicate this would be a wrong choice, but is there ever a good time to call this thing to head and force a decision? I feel as long as I stay and act happy, etc. that H will never need to officially make a decision. H's delusional feeling is he wishes he could live with me 1/2 of the year and in Canada 1/2 of the year.
Bottom line - is it ever okay to give an ultimatum? If not, would welcome some coping skills. If not, can you end up resenting the person who keeps you twisting in the wind and decide to leave yourself?
I have a secret dream of moving to Canada myself and being a fishing guide. It would take me away from all of the presures of being a provider, husband, and father. I would drop and go in a minute if I did not have a wife, children, business, you know, a life.
No we don't have children. I am 42 my H is 41. I can understand the draw to Canada and H has been talking about doing this, but I have been hesitant about moving away from family and I made the biggest verbal mistake I've ever made. When H was obviously trying to talk with me seriously about moving to Canada I made the mistake of saying "How do you know it would be any better moving there"? That statement to him was about the worst thing I could ever had said because to him that shot down his dream, goal, whatever. My comment was simply just that leaving what you have you never know if something else would be better. I never meant to say it would not be, etc. So, when I told him if it was very important to him he was the most important thing in my life and I would go anywhere. However, his response was if we moved together he would still be with me. H felt he maybe needed to move alone, throwing my off hand comment back in my face over and over again.
H has visited Montreal and spent time with some new friends he met and they in turn live in a building where people visit eachother, make food for eachother, go out to different concerts and events. He likes the social lifestyle and varying conversations. He loves to talk, debate, learn, etc. Our current situation we live and work together and no doubt that is a bit of a restraint.
So much more to tell, but to your question, I can totally understand at this point in our lives, with really no obligation than to each other to want to go and explore the world - 'cause life is short. I probably am too set in my ways and even though I in no way intended to cut him off with my offhand comment I seem to have done just that. I am glad a guy is answering because I would like to know how you think and when you may act on your fantasy and if you share those fantasies with your spouse.
I am from the South and I am sorry but what is this place in Montreal called, not the name of the place but the type of place.
I have never heard anything like that, sounds a bit gay to me, lol.
As far as your comment to him, I would not worry too much about it, you have said that you would go anywhere with him, WAS's just like to take anything from us and use it to justify their craziness.
You have several advantages going for you, you both live in the same house, and he has said that he is pretty much scared he cannot live without you. That is pretty good there, my wife 3 months ago said she wanted a divorce and could not stand to look at me. Now we have a better R than we did before the bomb hit in January.
Start to do things for yoursef, go out with some of your friends, I started doing that and continue to do that today for myself. It is Friday Happy hour in about 5 hours and 20 minutes and I will meet some friends for a couple of hours, it really makes them wonder what you are doing. Start having fun with yourself, he will want to join in!
If you truly would travel with him, maybe do some research on moving, look at some houses, I hear Montreal is very nice, cold, but nice, in a Canadian socialist type of way, lol. Burt
