I am posting for th first time and have no idea what to do. I have read DB and DR from Michelle. I am 35 (H) with WAW. 2 perfect children. 13 years of marriage. She walked out 3 months ago and has been texting a lot with a much older "work friend (male)". not sure of a physical affair, but clearly emotional. I am in the "last resort stage" and have stopped doing "much of the same". I have written the following in my journal and will clearly not give it to her, but just wanted to share...
Have you ever imagined what life could be like after one comes so terribly close to the dissolution of a marriage, but regains the strength and security to repair what was so tragically in jeopardy?
Have you had a chance to stop and look at life and love and realize what you have taken as a simple oversight in your daily life? Not thinking maliciously about dissatisfying the person you love, but simply understating the true love you have for this person and taking every precious moment for granted.
Have you ever looked someone in the eye after you have realized what you have lost and felt so terribly empty that you begin a journey many may never have the chance to take? For some the journey begins and ends with the words to dissolve a marriage, but only a few have the strength and the courage to fight… fight the toughest fight of their life to gain perspective on themselves and to know that what could begin again between two people is so powerful, so unstoppable, so lasting that nothing is more important.
Nothing could ever be as important as the fight to save a precious marriage and a woman whom you so deeply, unconditionally love and cherish.
To these question, I say “Yes”, but not with regret. I realize what is in front of me is an opportunity to take a life, a woman’s life, and fill it with passion, joy, security, and comfort everyday, everyday of her life. To never forget what it is like to look her in the eyes and truly see nothing other than her. The feeling to look so deep into ones eye you can actually feel their soul. So deep that your glance is so powerful in saying “I love you” that no words are necessary from you for her to vocalize the words “I know you do and I love you too”.
Never regretting the things one has learned on a journey so powerful as to live as if death is near and time is so precious. For this journey has given reality to what one feels in the deepest part of their soul, but not knowing how to bring it to the surface. For that I can say… I now know what it means to not only truly cherish someone, but how to speak that cherishment so clearly that no word is necessary to show that… and no word could be remotely as powerful, even having been said.
My deepest dream is to take the woman who I have spent 15 years with and never let her forget how wonderful she is and how much she means to me… With that, I dream. I dream ‘a dream’ of what our lives will be……. What if……
What if I could play her a song so precious to me and our situation? The song sung by Taylor Swift titled “Love Song”. What if the music were so loud that nothing else was recognizable? As the song played we danced so closely that heart beats could be felt across each other. What if the passion of that song could be felt between two people and our lives are played out as romantically as written in the song. What if I could ask for you again, to marry me? What if you said yes to us and I placed the most beautiful ring on your hand. I would do it all over again, ALL OF IT, for the opportunity to feel what I could feel at that moment. A light in life so strong and powerful that nothing, not time, not sickness, nothing... could ever gap.
What if every night we came home to a person who we know has been there for so many years, but now see all so differently just how important you are and how they make you feel. What if everyday you could look someone in the eye and say it was all worth it now because I know that there is no one person that could see, hold, cherish, and love you like I do. To know that everyday the burden of time and space is being defeated and never again will distance grow in between.
Have you ever thought how it could be every night before bed for the person you love to sit atop of you and look into your eyes and say “I truly love you” and mean it from the deepest part of their heart? To kneel above you holding your hands above your head and lean into kiss you so passionately that, for a moment, you lose your breath. And then be held… everyday of your life, can you imagine? Can you imagine what two people can be like once they have been so close to tragedy, but being able to prevail? Knowing that, together, you made the right choice and you are perfect for each other. Knowing that each of you will never forget how to love and be loved!
I imagine a day where the house is warm and quiet of distraction and children, sitting together, listening to songs. Holding, touching in a way that only new love can do, but this time forever, never forgetting… The song plays on the radio and two people are driven to stand to each other, hand to hand, check to check, and pressed tightly… and dance. For no reason other than sheer passion! No words necessary to communicate how one feels.
Imagine a small room right off the sandy beach where you wake up and stroll, hand in hand, going nowhere… walking through the sand as if in the hourglass of time that never empties. Watching the waves crest on the sunset and the sweet breeze filling life into our bodies. To the person you are with you turn, and realize you have come full circle. It is at that very moment that you realize everything, the joy, the sadness, the love, the pain, was all worth it. Worth it for these moments that will last forever, and I mean forever.
There are few that can walk the story of those who have prevailed, but for them… the world is in front of you!
To be able to look each hard time in the face and prevail, knowing all to well what is at stake. Knowing all to well, that life and this moment, will go on forever between the two of us! Forever!
Dedicate to my Wife!
Me - 35 W - 32 (EA with OM) M - 13 1/2 D - 11 S - 9 ILYBNILWY - January 2009 Status - Limbo
I wake up every morning telling myself I am strong and will keep going, but it is getting hard, very hard. I read the books over and over and believe there is hope, but then the reality hits and I am not sure there is. I can't give up for me or my children, but I am growing weak... I have tried everything. Her mother told me last night that "if she does this she will regret it. you are such a wonderful husband and father. She could never replace you." Like the rest of us here... I am a good guy, a very good guy. We never had problems other than being busy... never fighting, yelling, anything... guess that was my sign that my "perfect" marriage was a time bomb. I hurt so bad right now!
Me - 35 W - 32 (EA with OM) M - 13 1/2 D - 11 S - 9 ILYBNILWY - January 2009 Status - Limbo
The problem is that you want the strength to keep holding out hope...and that isn't a position of strength, but one of pining away and weakness. Want to be someone that she'll want to be with? Then your strength has to be someone that is complete and happy on his own (and with his kids); someone that will be fine without her, even if you prefer to be with her. But it's early yet, so it's understandable that you feel so weak. Life does go on. Your world didn't end because she's chosen another path.
It's almost certain that her feelings for this other guy have gotten in the way. I think the LRT is the right way to go. But that doesn't just mean that you give her space...it also means that you use this time constructively. There was a time before she ever entered your life. You weren't moping around waiting for her to come into your life then. Do things for yourself and with your kids. Rediscover the joy in your life. Work to be a complete man. If she doesn't want what you have to offer, it isn't your fault or your problem...it's hers. I know how crushing it is right now, but the sooner you start making a list of personal goals you want to accomplish, the quicker you can detach and realize that you can't control what she chooses to do.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I am getting to that stage "get a life". I have done well in front of her and not showing her my pain. In fact, last week went out with friends and she called/texted 5 times (which I ignored) wanting to know where I was. We are completely separated so I am not sure how she knew I was not were I was living. I am picking up the pieces of my life. I race mountain bikes in the summer and preparing for that. I have trained a ton and am in the best shape of my life and taking care of ME! (In fact she saw me last week without a shirt on since I lost 15 lbs. and she did a double take and said "holly molly" you are totally ripped... I smiled and put a shirt on) I go tanning, meet friends at the gym and go out at once a week for sure when I am without my precious children. I am working on me, which is all I can do. Maybe she will see what she is missing. The part that I cannot get over is my children. If it comes to it I can move on without her (being her choice, not mine), but my children... I can't figure that one out yet... how do I live without them every other week? I know this is not a DB topic (the kids and all), but is my weak point in being able to "get a life" and do my "last resort technique".
Thanks again... your insight is very helpful and appreciated.
Me - 35 W - 32 (EA with OM) M - 13 1/2 D - 11 S - 9 ILYBNILWY - January 2009 Status - Limbo
The children is what gave me the most strength to continue. Whenever I thought this Db'ing was a bunch of bullshit and I am just going to give her what she wants, I just looked at my two boys and said, noway am I going to give up on them. I am their father, I can go forever as long as I can kiss them goodnight, everynight.
Burt - good question. Initially she walked out completey for 2 months. In the last 4 weeks whe has requested we rotate weeks in the house. I agreed thinking I am giving her space, but maybe that is wrong. So for now my children are stable in their home, but her and I spend opposite weeks there and elsewhere on the off weeks. Yes, you are right. The kids give me strength. I will never give up on them. Ever!
Me - 35 W - 32 (EA with OM) M - 13 1/2 D - 11 S - 9 ILYBNILWY - January 2009 Status - Limbo
Detatching is doing things for yourself, going out with friends, going to the gym. For me, I am 40 years old, I had not worked out sense college. Played football and hated every minute of having to work out. I started 2 weeks after she hit me with the bomb(1-7 or so). I ran my first 5k last weekend. Lost 15 lbs, actually have some definition that she took notice almost imediatley. Still go out every friday at 4 pm to meet some guys for happy hour. (Yay, its Friday!)
I would have not left the house, as my wife wanted me to leave the house, and I said, I do not want to leave, you do, so you leave and you can see the kids whenever you want, she did not like this at all.
Doing 180's is alot easier to do and be noticed if the WAW is in the house. I would try to work something out. The kids need 2 parents all the time, and if you could work it out and promise to give her space while she is there, that would be an excellent thing.
She can have a spare room, Sleep in your own bed, and tell her that you are not leaving the house next time it comes up, just say, nah, I'll stay out of your way, this is my house, I am not leaving it. Be strong, women like that.
Detatch, it means do things for yourself and not her, if she notices the differences in your life and comes back great, if not your a better person anyway, it is a win/win.
