We just had a blow out. She wanted to talk about her email and I told her that I didn't want to talk, just like I did earlier since I was still feeling angry about the whole thing. But she kept insisting, so I said fine..let's talk. And I unloaded a little bit of my new angry feelings that I've had to hold back because of the DBing. This was probably considered a major no-no backlide, but right now, I'm at the point where I feel I have nothing to lose anymore.
I also mentioned about how I don't agree with not even trying a separation first and jumping right to a D, but she doesn't even want to do that either. And insisted that if we did try a separation, she won't be the one to move out. And I expressed that we have been together 15yrs, married 11yrs, and have a child, and she couldn't even give me 2days for Retrouvaille or even a single MC session where she went in wholeheartedly as a last ditch effort to exhaust all options before taking that last door. But she claims she already has exhausted all options...although none of them included me there I guess.
At this moment, I really don't want to even look at her. Tonight probably was a major backslide, but I don't know if there was anything to be recovering back to anymore. It seems pretty clear to me from what I was told now that nothing has changed at all since the DBing started, and this whole time she was just waiting for me to give up hope and accept it so we could have an amicable D. And I was taking too long so she couldn't wait any longer for me to give up and just filed the D today. She even again said that me having hope was me not taking what she tells me seriously because she already told me she had no hope. So I was supposed to have just rolled over and died, and just agreed to a D and signed the papers months ago when she dropped the bomb. This is kinda what I've had to deal with.
I honestly don't know if I can do it anymore. The angry feelings are starting to fill me now.
