There's a good debate raging on Thinker's thread, about passive-vs.-aggressive approaches when dealing with a wayward spouse. When you get a chance, can you pop in and comment?
Hmm, you're leaving me hanging Puppy! Will give the wording some thought and run it by here.
I've been caught up all day reading and just realized I'm having people over for dinner tonight! I will get over to Thinker's thread as soon as I can but it probably won't be until later in my evening. Always happy to share my experiences if it will help.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Haven't been commenting but following along. Just wanted to say that I have seen a difference between the way you were and how you have been affected recently. My input is just that I would like to see you be the way you have been without your BF and make sure you bring that part with you into the R rebuilding. Whatever, happens then, you will be good. He really tears you up, not good. Look to keep the new you while reconnecting. If he screws that up - that's on him.
Haven't been commenting but following along. Just wanted to say that I have seen a difference between the way you were and how you have been affected recently. My input is just that I would like to see you be the way you have been without your BF and make sure you bring that part with you into the R rebuilding. Whatever, happens then, you will be good. He really tears you up, not good. Look to keep the new you while reconnecting. If he screws that up - that's on him.
And I don't think you need to take so much responsibility for his behavior - there is no excuse. If he didn't like things you did or didn't do, he should have talked to you. And it is still true, that if he wants to work things out, it needs talking and doing. I know you will do your part - hope he know what he has in you.
{{{Pearl}}} How was your dinner?? I hope you had a GREAT time!!
I agree with Kassie on a few points there: 1) Keep the YOU that you have become..you rock sister! 2) Don't take all of the responsibility for the way your BF handled the sitch..even your part in the breakup doesn't excuse or condone his behavior!
Hugs!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Dinner was great! I actually managed to have everything ready at the same time, no small feat for me. And I just wrote a novel on Thinker's thread recapping my sitch and voting for confrontation of cheater. Honestly, after summarizing it for someone new, I cannot imagine still sharing the house with xBF trying to be "friend-ly but not friends." Blech. I know some people make it work, but there is NO WAY I would sit around for years waiting for him to come to his senses. Double blech.
The problem I face in maintaining the "new" or really "pre-xBF" me and not taking responsibility for his actions is that many of you have already chastised me for not being willing to give. Either I'm too rigid or I'm too wimpy. Where is the balance? I don't see it.
Today's update:
Last night I had a little meltdown over whether he was at bowling or not. I called at 8, no answer. Called at 8:50, no answer, left vm. He called back at 9:20 and said he was at dinner with coworkers. I spoke with someone at his office today and they confirmed that he was not at bowling. I definitely need a transparency plan in place to avoid/deal appropriately with these sitchs.
Still no word on what/when meeting on Sunday. Frustrating. If I don't hear anything from him tomorrow I will make other plans for Sunday. If he calls Sun morning I will politely tell him that I thought he forgot since I hadn't heard from him so I made other plans. I do want to reschedule so when are you free?
Received draft of financial settlement tonight via email with no message, just the attachment. First of all, I find that rude. Second of all, there is no supporting documentation for the proposed numbers and they do not sit well with me. I shot back an email asking for documentation but now realize I should have thought through the wording more before sending. I am just so used to dealing with him tersely and without emotion that I don't know how to speak to him any differently.
Perhaps I will explain this to him if I run into him at his office tomorrow. I am having lunch with my friend M who works with him and dropping off cupcakes. I don't think I will go out of my way to find him though.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 04/03/0906:18 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Pearl, Just to clarify my what I about responsibility - if you think that there are things you think you need to change in order to improve the relationship or that he says needs to change-go for it. I was supporting the belief that whatever the problems were - he had no excuse for what he did! I believe you said that yourself.
The give and take part that you may be referring to is something I don't know if I can comment about -especially the pre- break up. I think you got a lot of direction and advice here from others to help sort that out.
I tried to edit but got cut off. I wanted to add that the only reason I posted is to tell you this: when I first came to this site I found you in the midst of rebuilding yourself. You were encouraging to read, you were funny, lively, goal oriented, caring and rediscovering what you love to do.
I don't want you to lose that when moving forward. I want to remind you that you can do whatever you set your mind to do.
