FitChik, even though we've never met, I feel like you are my prayer partner, and I am so grateful for your encouragement and prayers. Now that I know your name, I'm able to pray for you and V**** by name, although God has always known.
Thanks Song! It's great to have your prayers and support also. I'm very thankful for this site. I would be losing my mind w/o it!
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
I know I can't fight the tide, I just need to float... One day at a time, step by step, let go and let God. So simple, yet so difficult.
THAT...is the equation.
I agree song...it is always easier to type that out on the PC than it is to enact it out. Perhaps, the light for you is there. Really, there is nothing you can do to stop or change this. The only thing you can do is CHANGE YOURSELF. It takes so long for people to know and recognize this and in the interim, we choke our spouse's trying to explain it the way it should be....trying to talk sense into them....selling ourselves as changing...etc.
It just doesn't work.
Being in this myself, the most wonderful thing you can do is just DROP IT and do JUST AS YOU DESCRIBED ABOVE...focus on the kids. The best line I have read from ANY book is in The New Earth. It is simple but very deep. When your kids are with you or talking to you, "be in the moment" with them. No phone calls..no TV...no computers....nothing but net (kids).
The next time you feel the urge to 'R' talk with your W, think of her listening to you and hearing , "blah, blah, blah ,blah, blah......"
When SHE gets your dander up or hurts you, think or say to yourself , "kids, kids, kids, kids, kids"
Your on track song. Let her go for now. Look into you. Find out what you like about yourself and rejoice in that.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Thanks FIB, I do think I'm starting to get it. I had a wonderful night with my boys last night, very "in the moment" and no complaining from S11 wishing Mom was there. It's always a great sign when he has a million questions, each one a little sillier than the last. A kid being a kid
Another good metaphor that my mom told me is this:
Think of your situation like a bird in a cage. You can flap your wings, crash into the bars, beat yourself senseless, and at the end of the day you're still in the cage, just battered and broken.
Or, you can sit on your swing and sing. Be happy that there's food and water for you, be happy that the cat can't get you, be happy you are not outside in the freezing weather with the other birds. And who knows, maybe that door will open some day. Be strong for when that moment happens.
And on that note, I'd like to post a link to something I found refreshingly optimistic, and I plan to add it to my daily routine Hope you all like it.
Think of your situation like a bird in a cage. You can flap your wings, crash into the bars, beat yourself senseless, and at the end of the day you're still in the cage, just battered and broken.
Or, you can sit on your swing and sing. Be happy that there's food and water for you, be happy that the cat can't get you, be happy you are not outside in the freezing weather with the other birds. And who knows, maybe that door will open some day. Be strong for when that moment happens.
Great example! I find it hard on some days to remember all the things I am grateful for. It is definitely something to work on. Glad you had a great night with your boys :-)
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
song....as Carrie said in Sex in the City, " I likee".
Funny...how our parents really did know more that we did. I love the analogy your mom gave you.
Live by it for now.
Ironically, my mom used to tell me as a young boy/man that there was 'nothing deader than a dead romance.' Coming from a woman.
I'll share with you another signature here...one from my friend mulesqb that his dad shared with him: "Tough times don't last. Tough men do." I shared that with my son recently.
song...trust me on this one. You will emerge from this stronger, better, faster. You only owe yourself one thing here besides looking after your family: 1, 2, 3 or whatever years from now..if you can wake up and look yourself in the mirror, know you tried and you like what you see....you win.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Copying a quote from Bworl on ndsmhelp's thread. There's a lot of wisdom here.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
Quote:
I'm not so sure I want to wait, or let her make the decision for me any more.
Why would you ever let her make the decision for you? I wasn't clear that this is what you have been doing for this past year.
YOU make YOUR decision.
That's the way it should always be.
But catch this thought...
Your decision, I repeat YOUR DECISION, can be to say that I love my wife and intend to stay her husband as long as I live.
Regardless of what she says or doesn't say.
If you are going thru each day feeling as though you are in a holding pattern...STOP IT!
You know you love this woman to the depths of your being.
You also know that MY opinion is that she loves you the very same way. And she has her reasons for being unwilling to admit to that.
So choose to be her husband forever.
Live each day LIKE her husband.
Don't hold back ANY part of who you are or how you feel about her and your life together.
Do this knowing full well that she is unable to reciprocate completely right now.
Accept that. Own it. Just as you have done throughout this past year.
Think of it this way.
Each day that you stay in there and continue to WANT your marriage and your wife, you are building something. Brick by brick so to speak.
Your wife is noticing this. She is DEFINITELY noticing this. Hence the comment about you being her best friend for the first time in your marriage, and your home feeling like a home for the first time.
Just keep building. You are filling her love tank day by day, simply by choosing to remain a husband who is devoted to loving his wife.
I know it's not completely fulfilling for you.
I can tell you that I honestly believe this won't last forever.
And I can tell you that I also believe that YOU WON'T BELIEVE what this time will one day mean to your wife.
You are her lighthouse in the storm right now Tim.
She is finally able to count on you. She is learning that she can finally trust you. She is realizing that YOU are the way home after all.
I still believe these things with my whole heart.
I'll be so pissed if you blow this all away by indulging yourself.
I am so sorry to hear how deeply your are hurting. I feel the exact same way right now. I know I need to begin to detach but my heart is just not there. I too feel so lonesome and in need of human contact. I find that I am often looking to my children (26,22 &17) to provide that for me. But in doing that, I feel that I can quickly become what I feel is a burden. Your kids are younger and I can only imagine how you feel when you see the hurt in their eyes. I feel that also with my children. The counselor I am seeing now often tells me that I will know when my heart is saying..."okay enough is enough". But I wonder!! I can't imagine getting there.
M 48 years old WAH 49 years old T35 years /M29 years S26 D22,D17 Bomb 12/08 "I have wasted 30 years of my life" Moved out 1/09
That wisdom is always true here....men...LEAD. They don't wallow in indecision and they don't get walked all over. You CAN decide to 'stand'..but..as we've all been saying..it requires you to completely let go or you will get hurt all the way thru. This road is a long one.....just look at the registration dates on most of the people here.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
