So, I went over to H's house tonight because he wanted to discuss divorce. All day I was on pins and needles worrying about what he was going to say. I ended up writing down all of the things that I feel are good about me so I could have those in mind when I started to doubt myself.
He opened up the conversation saying, "I know what you want to do. That's been established. So where do we go from there?" I said since he asked me over I wanted to hear what he wanted. He said he wanted a divorce and all that we really needed to work out was child support and custody. I didn't do anything but nod my head. We agreed on the terms of custody, he doesn't have a job so child support isn't an issue at the moment. He did say that he would be getting an extension on his unemployment next week and he planned on giving me some money from that. All through this part of the conversation I didn't really say much. I told him what I wanted then I just listened to what he had to say.
After he said all of this he said, "You know this has nothing to do with you right?" I was like, yeah I do. I'm a good person. I haven't done anything to push you away to this degree. He was like, you are a good person and you're beautiful and you're totally right. Then he asked me if I could take him to the bar to meet his friends. I spent the whole car ride chatting cheerfully and joking around with him like we've always done. He was pretty quiet. We got to the sports bar and he leaned over and hugged me goodbye. When he got out of the car he was like, be good. So I said, I'm always good. He walked away looking kind of down.
The minute I left the parking lot I totally broke down. OMG that was the hardest thing I have ever done. It took all of my strength to stay calm and not react or demand answers and reasons. I wanted to say, if I'm such a good person and so wonderful and beautiful then what the hell are you doing? Why are you pushing this? Why can't we just stay separated and learn what the hell is going on? ARRGGGH!!!!
Oh one more thing, he offered to go car shopping with me on Tuesday. I of course accepted.
Did I do ok? Would you say that this was a successful meeting? I feel pretty good about it, but don't really know where it falls in the DBing scheme of things.
