Hey Julia, Good to see you are back & that you had a fun time on your holiday!!!
As far as how to progress - I say just do what comes natural. When I decided that D wasn't so bad & the weight lifted off, it lifted off from within. I don't have to try anymore, I don't have to worry about how to act, what to say (although I do sometimes - as we are not "friends" like we used to be). Does that make any sense. Sweep the eggshells out of the way & just walk....... if you make a mistake, oopppss that dam eggshell got in the way again (it's just a mistake) just kick it out of the way & keep walking ..... if he chooses to follow you (by that I mean emailing back, being friendly ....) then great! If he chooses not - then his loss - right Be cool!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
BTW - I'm not saying not to care about your H or not to try. Just maybe don't act like it. Your H has been more comfortable with you because you pretty much blew out of the water everything he was hiding. He has nothing to hide A, got caught, taking money out, got caught. Less guilt - maybe??
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I'm so glad to hear your trip was such fun. Isn't it nice to put everyday stuff behind you and just live in the moment?
The friendship with your STBXH seems like it's very important to you. Can you define why? I'm curious at what level you feel the connection now. Is it just that shared past and shared language or are you still harboring romantic feelings? As long as it's just the shared past, like all other friends, then the friendship can be safe for you. If there is even a small romantic feeling left for him, you could be doing further damage to yourself. Please, protect yourself. I understand the pull to the familiar, just make sure you don't get too close so that your heart can be further broken, however unintentionally.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I know I have said it before but I really appreciate all you guys on this board! You all help me to think more clearly and are such a good sounding board. RL people have been positively useless these past few days and I am struggling a bit.
(((T))) you ask such pertinent questions, you have really helped me focus my thoughts. Coming back from my hols has hit me the past few days and I feel very confused. I had essentially given up all hope of reconciliation because there had just been not progress or movement so I decided to accept what seemed to be the inevitable. However change came along and it has thrown me.
To RL people nothing has happened and they don't understand or view our conversation as progress. I have waited this long (whilst growing, healing and not putting my life on hold), I have the divorce steering committee on my case at the moment. But for our relationship this is huge. We have got passed an impasse and I have put so much into this for so long, and I feel that I have further to go, that I don't think I could say 'I have done all I can' if I don't take this opportunity. That is what I truly feel.
Friendship is on the second DB rung. I thought if wasn't a possibility and now it is, I can't not explore it. Even if the end result is that we are just friends and I can cope with that then result. If it does not progress to something more and I can't accept that then I will reassess the situation and I'm sure that will teach me a few life lessons. Will I be in for more heartache? Probably... but hopefully I have the tools to cope with that now. Either way I will be in for heartache, divorce will cause me a huge amount of that.
I am a stronger person now and will not put up with any cr@p from him. I have thought long and hard and my true hearts desire is to reconcile with my husband and heal my marriage which probably makes me a huge fool! I have some pride issues going on here too... I feel like I am backing down after making a decision to move on but it is not done without much thought and deliberation. I also now know that no one in RL understands which makes it ten times harder. But I reached my major goal. That H would willingly want to spend time with me. Time will tell if that will come to fruition. I can't ignore that progress. However I also can't ignore the length of time it took to get there but perhaps I needed that time to heal as much as he did. I am impatient though, I need to work on that again... they dangle that carrot!
New beginnings and all that... I will have to set some new goals.
Hahaha, D committee, I like that, it is true though. In my sitch, after my H filed for D in Oct, it took me until Jan to come to grips with it. Where I am fine with it either way. Just because you did some investigating, doesn't mean you have to bite the bullet!! You know that. I think the important part was to tell your H, to get him thinking .... So I have crossed the roads, you are at & I'm maybe turning around to see if I missed anything (even tho I filed the papers). Make sense? We both may be in for more heartache .... but that is a choice each has to make.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I'm glad to hear your thoughts. I've got your back. I know what you mean about it seeming like friendship was impossible and then when it's suddenly unexpectedly there it makes you reconsider things!!!
I think whatever you have been doing is working, and I would keep doing it!
I recently realized myself that letting go doesn't have to mean "stop caring", it can actually just mean "stop trying to control everything [even if you still care]". Maybe this is where you are at too???? I think the bottom line is to really continue to live for yourself, facing your own fears and demons, going for your own dreams and joys. While, if you choose, holding open a possibility space for friendship and love to again sprout, grow, and bloom. For whatever reason, putting ourselves first and letting go of control seems to work better than putting "the relationship" first and trying to control everything!! Not that you were trying to control everything, I'm just monologuing here.
Big hugs to you!!! Again, whenever you are ready to share, I'm eager to hear your exciting new secret thoughts about the future!!! Again I am so glad to hear of the movement in your interactions with H. What a relief to be able to really connect so deeply, as you did, and talk about so many scary monsters!!! You are a strong, brave woman. Keep it up!!!
Thanks to you both Thank you both for making me feel like it is ok to feel the way I do.
Ms M, that was a great analogy! It really helped me think clearer about where I am at.
T, I am going to go travelling. It is something I have wanted to do for years and have put off. I hope to go for at least six months (H looked gutted when I told him that!). I want to see some more of Asia, tour New Zealand and hopefully go to Australia and get some work for a while. That is my hope. After September I will have been at my job 2 years and I am trying to save hard at the moment.
You made a really good point about control. I have a great need to control this and 'speed up the process'. I know better of course. I suppose I have to just carry on living and having fun. H will progress at his own rate. It was so nice to be able to connect with H again. It has been so long since we were like that.
This weekend I have been gardening and cleaning today which was quite satisfying and tomorrow I am going down to the South Coast to visit my baby niece. I have a feeling a cold may be brewing so I am taking lots of vitamins and eating fruit to ward it off!
Hey ((Julia)) - I guess for me, I see that getting D isn't or doesn't have to be a death sentance for a R or friendship with my H. Am I giving up control?? Maybe?? Something DBcoach Jody told me, still sticks in my head - that maybe my H & I need to D - to come back together. Who knows ...... but flip floping emotions are natural here - right??? If how you feel about your H isn't craved in stone .... that is ok here (there's probably a Flip Flop committee too). Just keeping them on an even keel is the key.
Your weekend sounds very nice & a trip to the coast to see your niece, how wonderful!! Your travel plans sound exciting!! Have to say I love to travel & am very jealous. Not quite sure I'd ever want to go to Asia, but Australia & New Zealand is supposed to be simply beautiful!!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I"m so glad to hear that you have sorted your thoughts and have realized that your true desire is a R with your H. That, I'm sure, solves some of your inner turmoil. Yes, your friends in RL are pushing you toward D but we all understand why - - - - they think that it would be the quickest solution to the pain they see you in. They don't realize that the added pain of D would only serve to make you more miserable in the long run because of your true desires to have a rebirth of your M. GOOD FOR YOU! I'm quite excited for you to work your way through these emotions and see where they lead you.
Travelling (said wistfully and with great envy).......my life's dream. I'm a travel agent for heavens sakes and I never go anywhere. How sad is that? You have to make sure to keep us apprised over here and in the alt about all of your adventures so I can live vicariously through you. Great to do these things while you're young and vital and can enjoy them to their fullest. BRAVO!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
So good to hear your thoughts!! I am super excited to hear about your traveling plans. Maybe we can rendezvous in Indonesia? or if I need to make a visa run I can meet up with you in some other asian AREA. I don't know if you've come to the same realization but I'm like--geez this is going to be a longgg haul so I might as well do the things I REALLY WANT TO DO instead of sitting around waiting!!!
Your weekend plans sound splendid!!!! I hope you are feeling strong and healthy!!
Be cool!