I am muddling along. I went to the gym monday and yesterday so I feel a little better.
I will look to see if I can find the thread from Trusting that you refer to.
Xh's mother. Where do I start?
Xh told me that she taught him to golf and played tennis with him when he was young and although he never said how old he was, I am guessing around 10. I think he thinks that it is really great that she spent time playing sports with him as if it's unusual for a parent to spend time with their child. His father never played sports with him, although he did golf as well, so perhaps that is why he thinks his mother is cool.
At some point this stopped and I am of the opinion that it coincided with his father beginning the molestation but because xh cannot remember, I am not positive. I firmly believe, however, she abandoned him rather than face what she was a party to. I told him the night that I ended our marriage that he needed to see someone because, worse than the molestation, his mother abandoned him. Not sure if he ever thinks about that.
He did not like my distain for his mother, saying that he felt that she was just as much as victim as the children were. What crap -- I made it clear to xh that I did not agree. She had family who she could have turned to and chose not to. Not only that, she exposed her brother and sister's children to the same risk.
He used to brag a lot (to my sister as well) that he came home from school as a little boy and made his own lunch. Didn't seem to find it odd. His mother worked part time, I believe, but don't most parents who are both working send the child to school with lunch or lunch money? I was bused to school so perhaps I am wrong about that and this was not uncommon?
As a person she is anti-Semitic, racist and extremely unintelligent. She is self-centered and emotionally unattached to her children and grandchildren. In 14 years she did not ONCE invite xh and I to her home for dinner. Can you believe that! Xh didn't take it personally he said, because she never invited anyone else either.
His sister, who is bi-polar, attempted suicide about 7 years ago. A few weeks later, the family had some type of party and Xh and his son went while I stayed home. His sister called and started yelling at me because xh had not once called her to see how she was. I told her that she needed to take it up with her brother and we had a long talk about his family dynamics. Xh called me before he was heading home and I told him that his sister had called and why and then we hung up. His mother phoned almost immediately and wanted to be sure that I had not let the cat out of the bag that she had not been invited to a family gathering. I guess she was afraid her daughter might ruin the party by slicing her wrists over the pizza.
Same sister had and survived breast cancer about 6 years ago. The family has never talked about it. Xh never called her and actually told me once that he isn't sure he believes that she really did have cancer. I have a feeling the rest of the family has the same thought. Unbelievable.
Shortly after we married xh had jaw surgery. Not ONE member of his family called me to see how he was -- I had to call them and they all seemed surprised that I had.
I asked his mother if she could come and look after him for two days because I had just started a new job and couldn't get the time off and she said she had plans to play cards! Cards! So I asked if she could watch him one day and I would get my mother the other day. She agreed. When I came home she practically knocked me over trying to get out the door and told me that I was out of ice (he needed it for the swelling). I told her I would try to find the recipe and slammed the door. Xh was disheveled, hungry and unhappy. When I came home the next day when my mom was looking after him, he was scrubbed and shiny, the sheets were clean and tightly tucked in, he was fed and happy. He wrote on his pad that he wished my mom was his mom.
She never called when we had xh's son to speak with him or maybe come to town to take him out to dinner or a movie. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times she called our home at all.
When xh's brother called her to ask her to his daughter's ballet recital she declined. What kind of grandmother doesn't go to ballet recitals? We all hate them but we go! Xh and his brother laughed about it because it was obviously typical.
She separated from xh's father a few months after the abuse was revealed in 1997 but only because the children all made it clear they were not going to be seeing the father again, so she would be left all alone with him. She started dating some guy around the time that my brother died. I had never met him and she proudly brought him over to me at funeral home to introduce her new boyfriend. Who the Hell brings a date to a funeral? If she didn't want to drive alone, he should have gone to a coffee shop and met her afterwards. I was outraged and freaked out on xh but, naturally, he said nothing to her because that would mean having to have an unpleasant conversation.
Well I could go on and on and on but, as you can read, I am not fond of my XMIL. She told xh after we split that I was cold to her. She's luckly I never told her what I think of her and then knocked her teeth down her throat.
So, no, she was not a good mother and certainly didn't teach him to have the regard and respect for woman. I really feel that a lot of xh's emotionally detachment and lack of empathy is genetic from her and exacerbated by the abuse at the hands of both her and his father.
I hope you and your family are well. It's sunny here today but I think they are forecasting snow for early next week.
