It's been over a week since my last post and my personal life hasn't changed much. My children are still beautiful and perfect. I'm still searching for employment. My sitch is mostly the same, but I decided to take some action because, after 3 years of living my life in pause, I needed to move forward.
During the past 3 years, I feel like I've given a one-sided view of my situation; as though I'm not getting 'anything' from my XW and the situation I've chosen to continue to engage in. I've had some friends recently open my eyes to a different vantage point from which to view my present and ongoing situation with my XW. One of those, was the thought that I was being disrespectful in my desire for and pursuit of reconciliation with XW, because I didn't honor her clean, demonstrable, and definitive decision to end everything though her unmistakable, clear decision to file for, pursue, and obtain a divorce from me. I was asked to be open to the possibility that what I have been doing hasn't been a act of love for her, but a desire for control; over my life, over this situation and over her. I've given that a great deal of thought and I can see that there is certainly an element of a desire for control in all of my actions. That I can't deny, but I love my wife dearly and very much wish to have the opportunity to make our troubled relationship right. I don't know. I've been stuck for so long.
As far as my XW goes, she has allowed me to stay close to her which met my need. She is mostly kind and encouraged to me. She shows me and tells me that she loves me. My issue is that I've been so focused on my end goal, that I'm dissatisfied with everything short of reaching it, instead of celebrating the fact that I still see a ray of hope. Sadly though, I often wonder (although I don't really wonder) if the only one seeing any hope is me.
I've come to the conclusion that I needed to do something, both demonstrable and definitive, to get myself moving out of the valley in which I've chosen to set up camp, rather than journey through. In choosing to be stuck in my situation with XW, I've inadvertently chosen to be stuck everywhere in my life. THAT has been the reason that I decided to TAKE ACTION.
On Saturday, I made the decision to have THE 'R' TALK with XW, because I'm no longer afraid of an answer that I may not like. Part of my issue is that I didn't respect her answer when she divorced me. Another part is that because I didn't respect her answer and remained in her life in the capacity in which I have, she hasn't been able to move forward in a real and definitive sense. What hasn't helped my mental state is that we have had numerous conversations about our feelings, but not really having the "R" discussion, and those conversation directly kept me firmly rooted in our sitch which I rationally do NOT want; at least don't want permanently, anyway. I also decided that THE TALK needed to be face-to-face, and without the possibility of the children interrupting. On Sunday, I went to her house after I attended church because XW said she needed to go into work. I was excited to go and see my S3, so I went there with my own added bonus of meeting my need to 'take care of' her needs. More on that in a bit. I arrived at her invitation, thinking she was going to head out (the purpose of my visit). Well, she, in fact, didn't head out. She stayed in bed not feeling well, and I took care of her needs again. She never really did get out of bed, and I didn't force the THE TALK on her, but I did ask her if we could talk the next evening when the children were down for the night, and she agreed without asking what it was all about.
Monday evening, we did get a chance to talk and I was definitive in what I said to her. I told her that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. I told her I couldn't imagine living my life without her and very much wanted the opportunity to reconcile our relationship and be able to remarry and move forward together. I told her that I had been living my life in pause, hoping for some positive movement between us. Mostly she just sat and listened and quietly cried. When she did respond, she began by making counterpoints of what about all that she'd gone through? I responded by validating her thoughts and feelings. I continued on that I needed to move forward because I had reached a fork in the road in my life, but they both involved moving forward. I told her that I want to move forward with her in a closer and more substantial capacity in my life than she has been, but if she couldn't/wouldn't, that I'll be moving forward regardless. No real response, except to make it clear that she either doesn't have the ability to forgive me and let go of the hurt/harm or she has not desire to do so. I told her that by no giving me a decision, she was giving me her decision. She insisted she wasn't. She also said, "You don't have the power, in this situation." As I made my way to leave, I shook my head gently and said, "You'll see the power I do have", and I left.
Tuesday evening, she and I were together again, as I picked up our children from school for her. When she got there, we spoke a little and she asked me, "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?" I said yes, thank you for talking to me last night and I'm REALLY sad. She went out front, and when I followed I told her that I had to go.She asked me, sounding surprised, you're leaving? I said, yeah I gotta go and took off. Her surprise, I'm sure, was because in recent past, I'd always jumped at the opportunity to be in her presence. *****I do not want to hurt her. I just know that I need to safeguard my heart.*****
Wednesday I received a call to pick up our children again. My pattern has been to do her whatever favor she asks of me. She needed to work late again last night. I didn't bother her by calling but finally did call her to check on her at 11:20pm. She arrived back about 12:30am. XW said she needed to go back in to work at 6:30am and asked me to stay (on the couch). I thought about it and decided that I should go. Sadly, I was so tired, I turned off my alarm and woke up 45 minutes after I was supposed to be there. THAT makes me sad. I hate failing in a task, especially when I committed to doing something for her. I tried to reach her by phone, but couldn't and sent an e-mail apology instead. Since I hate leaving a message or sending an e-mail apology, I've continued to try to reach her by phone. I received a response to my email which said to please stop calling because she wouldn't be available 'til the end of the day. More sadness.
Anyway, I've recently had light shed on the possibility that XW calls me for needs as her way to keep me connected; so I won't disconnect and go away. And I eat up her 'need' for me because it satisfies my need to feel needed by her and connected to her. Pretty much all of our interaction is unhealthy for BOTH of us. I don't KNOW what the right answers are in my situation, but I do know what I FEEL. I feel like I want and need to reconcile with my wife, but I am seriously confused about the reasons as to WHY? Is it simply control? Is it about my need to win. Is it about my need to be right and prove others wrong? I don't know, and I need to know.
That's why I had THE TALK with XW, although we've talked every day since then. I know I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I know I want us both to be happy. I know I need to move myself forward mentally, to get out of my valley campground.
Thank you in advance for any thoughts offered.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
