Your words have never rung truer. Thanks for the 2x4 back into reality. I love your points and will start applying them. The only thing I can't do is the separating again, but the establishing boundaries. Yes.
Thanks again for your help.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I know you're busy, and you also mentioned that you were leaving soon for a few days, but if you get a chance, can you pop in over on Thinker's thread on the Newcomer's board? There's a fascinating discussion going on over there about "being a man" vs. passively "giving space" to a wayward wife, and I think the group -- and esp. Thinker -- could benefit from hearing your perspective as the woman.
Damn you guys are right. I keep wanting to get her approval and love. I knew deep down I should not have let her stay with me but here is why I did. She would end up leaving the state and going 700 miles away to her sisters. My D would not go since I have custody and it would crush her. I didnt want some abandonment issue on my D shoulders. I also didnt want my D looking at me like I was some heartless bastard. I didnt want to lose her. NOw she is leaving Monday into an apartment that I paid the security on. Ya I know!!! [censored]! You know i was doing ok with myself until her drama. I was not thinking about her or who was doing her. Now its all i can think about. I keep throwing that imaginary red stop sign in my head but 30 seconds later I am day dreaming again. I want her to leave but I know its going to be so hard again and Im scared. I dont want to cry again and break down. It hurts to damn much. I thought she was my soul mate and its so sad to know shes nothing like that. I really thought I was doing the right thing by telling her shes a good person and better then the cheating. Kind of an opposite reinforcement. But really i just wanted to be close to her some how. Im pathetic! ahhhhhh How do i break this bond in my heart? Shes slept with 4 guys since me so maybe thats the key. Be a slut and the feelings will die. Sorry guys Im freaking out.
ANyway, we had another long talk the other night.She was hurting and needed to talk about the OM. I guess she ran into her OM and family in the store. She had not seen himn in 2 weeks since he went to the hospital. They had had a couple text msgs that left more questions then answers. He looked at her while standing next to his wife and quickly turned away. She thinks there affair seems to be at the end since he was in the hospital for the last week and surrounded by his wife and kids. We sat and talked about her feelings for him. She cant even say she would want to be with him if he left her. She says its been the loneliest relationship. She told me how it started a month after she moved out in 07. She also admitted to sleeping with another co worker while we had been "reconciled" for the 5 months before she left again. She also made out with her boss too. I didnt blow up or anything. I said ouch that does hurt but it doesnt matter anymore. She said she doesnt know why she is telling me all this stuff.
Sweep,
I'd love to get DQ's perspective on this, but I can't see how this can POSSIBLY be good for YOU -- to allow her to have these OM talks with you like you're her gay boyfriend or something. Don't you feel disrespected when she does this?
Quote:
Then she got scared that I would tell her secrets to our daughter. I said no, I cant hurt her like that. Im her dad.
I think you should tell your wife that "I will never say anything to intentionally harm our daughter, but I will also no longer lie to cover up your affairs." Your daughter is at a critical age in her sexual and relational development, and she needs to know that at least ONE of her parents isn't lying to her.
She will also damned well use your relationship with her mother as her model for how a man should treat a woman, so handle with care. Yes, you want to be respectful and courteous to her mother, but you don't want to be a doormat.
I think there may be more takaways from the NMMNG book for this relationship than you think -- not just for any subsequent ones.
Puppy
You are right. I just fell for wanting to be in her life.
ANyway, we had another long talk the other night.She was hurting and needed to talk about the OM. I guess she ran into her OM and family in the store. She had not seen himn in 2 weeks since he went to the hospital. They had had a couple text msgs that left more questions then answers. He looked at her while standing next to his wife and quickly turned away. She thinks there affair seems to be at the end since he was in the hospital for the last week and surrounded by his wife and kids. We sat and talked about her feelings for him. She cant even say she would want to be with him if he left her. She says its been the loneliest relationship. She told me how it started a month after she moved out in 07. She also admitted to sleeping with another co worker while we had been "reconciled" for the 5 months before she left again. She also made out with her boss too. I didnt blow up or anything. I said ouch that does hurt but it doesnt matter anymore. She said she doesnt know why she is telling me all this stuff.
Sweep,
I'd love to get DQ's perspective on this, but I can't see how this can POSSIBLY be good for YOU -- to allow her to have these OM talks with you like you're her gay boyfriend or something. Don't you feel disrespected when she does this?
Quote:
Then she got scared that I would tell her secrets to our daughter. I said no, I cant hurt her like that. Im her dad.
I think you should tell your wife that "I will never say anything to intentionally harm our daughter, but I will also no longer lie to cover up your affairs." Your daughter is at a critical age in her sexual and relational development, and she needs to know that at least ONE of her parents isn't lying to her.
She will also damned well use your relationship with her mother as her model for how a man should treat a woman, so handle with care. Yes, you want to be respectful and courteous to her mother, but you don't want to be a doormat.
I think there may be more takaways from the NMMNG book for this relationship than you think -- not just for any subsequent ones.
Puppy
You are right. I just fell for wanting to be in her life.
So, what are you going to DO about it? What's your Plan???
My plan is to not talk with her about the OM and just be civil. She moves out Monday. I have to keep telling myself I cant help her and she has to help herself. I am continuing to flip back threw the NMMNG book and work the activities. Granted I read the book in a few days without working the steps. I just couldnt stop reading it.
Other then that I am not sure what else to do besides focus on myself like I have been until she popped up again.
For the record I have dropped 40lbs since she left in 07 and I have kept it off. My plan was and still is to get a great body back for my own confidence. its a little vain but it helps me feel stronger inside. Despite a few set backs dealing with the house and debt she left me Ive done pretty good. The next step is I need to work on talking with women. I get to intimidated if I find them attractive.
Fitness: I'm doing the same thing about the 'great body' and doing pretty well. I suppose I'm simply leveraging the 15 pounds lost in the first 6 weeks of the bomb. Wow - 40lbs! Well done! It's amazing how well the exercise helps during the stressful times, too.
Women: Getting around them more will probably help - especially if the social interaction is based on a topic other than you or her. For instance, a recent MEETUP.com event for travel enthusiasts that I went to was very fun, full of conversation among everybody, and provided very very easy ice breakers. Although I'm new to being 'back in the game', my plan is to use non-suggestive and non-threatening invites such as "I'm going to go hiking tomorrow at XYZ. Do you do any hiking?", using a third topic (not me, not her) to chat about briefly. Theoretically, if they're receptive, I'll simply ask if they want to join me --- and work on not getting defensive, cowering, or back-peddling if the response is a flat, or even watered-down, "No". Even better, I'll probably go hiking anyway - as it adds to my fitness goals.
NOTE: Don't use Meetup.com events to pick up women. Use it to meet new friends, run into them a couple of times at future events (where you are having fun anyway), and just talk about stuff with them and others. The timing for a casual invite should click once you get to know them a bit better.
I'm glad you took the time to post about your past and the research you have done about affairs. My W is currently living with her OM She met him in Oct and was ready to moving in with him by Christmas, I did get her to stay home until Jan 27 at which point she declared she HAD to move in with him cause she didn't want to pass up this opportinuty and have it in the back of her mind for the rest of her life. I have been fairly dark (only contact about kids/finances) and detaching as I don't think I can do much until A is over. I miss her and love her very much and am willing to give her a second chance but with new rules. If you have any other advice I'd appreciate it and you can view my posts below.
