The affair started around last June/July and he was caught September 19, 2008, which was 5 days after our 6 year wedding anniversary. He can't leave the command he is at until March of next year, but the OW retires in either May/June of this year. I told him if we had a shot to work though this then he had to leave the command he was at. Either terminate shore duty and go back to sea duty or go IA which usually takes you overseas for a period of one year which is also unaccompanied. I figured IA would be perfect because he would be gone for a year and we could figure out what we both wanted. He is too needed at his command and the command will not release him unfortunately so he is stuck in this situation. which of course makes it harder for me to forgo the A since he could possibly be around her everyday.
I asked him the other day if he still thought of her and he said he thought of her sometimes, mostly missed the way she made him feel. I believe she laughed at his jokes and gave him an ego trip.
I feel the same as you stated, that until there is no contact at all, we are going to be stuck in this area of not being able to move forward in our relationship. He does just enough to make me think he wants to be here but yet doesn't do anymore sometimes than what he has too. Some days its enough for me and other days I want to just give up and walk away. Its a daily mental struggle to think he even did this and I think about what he did and the things i heard him say to her and I wonder why would i stay with someone not willing to make a committment to either stay and work on the marriage whole heartedly or just say, its over and lets move on. like i said before in a post, he feels like he is going through a mid life crisis so it just makes it that much tougher.
