WAW New life with OM #2

[ppenton]

Another note W gave me access back to her account, so I can transfer funds for household bills. I told her I will not just take the money but talk with her so she knew what was going on. I told her last Saturday that I was uncomfortable with her having access to all the accounts when I'm the one responsible for paying the household and kid bills. She seemed very receptive to this idea (I didn't tell her about the attorneys I have been in contact with)

[Phoenixdeux]

You mentioned a few posts back how you hope you aren't detaching too much. Since she's actually living with another man, I think it's impossible to detach too much. In these situations you can't always say, "well, that was a negative so I won't do it anymore", like you not taking her calls. She wanted another man...you shouldn't have to feel like you have to take her calls or she'll get mad. I'm not saying don't take her calls, just to quit figuring in how she'll react to the things you choose to do. Personally, I would try to get a little more detached. You are becoming her conduit to tell about her day and be her buddy. If she want what comes with being married, she should probably break things off with OM. I would try, in small doses, to give her a feeling that you aren't just the guy waiting in the wings. If she gets mad that you leave your phone at home when you go out, whose problem is that? One hint, it isn't yours. If she get mad when you say, "gotta go" when you are talking, whose problem is that? Same answer...her problem. Just because you keep her happy doesn't mean that you are having success...it could just as easily mean that you've made the affair more tolerable to her...she doesn't feel guilty because you seem to be okay with it.

[Phoenixdeux]

P.S. If you do choose to detach a little more, it can't look like it's vindictive or that you hate her...more like you just are not that into her. Let her worry (and yes, even get upset at you) that she's losing you completely.

[ppenton]

P.S. If you do choose to detach a little more, it can't look like it's vindictive or that you hate her...more like you just are not that into her. Let her worry (and yes, even get upset at you) that she's losing you completely.

Your posts are the advice that I need to get me thinking about me again. I think I'm doing a good job and I think my kids are seeing their father in a new light (especially S15) as how to handle a very difficult situation. Thanks Phoenixdeux
I was kind of wondering if I was getting too friendly towards W and she may think the affair is ok - which of course its NOT and I think right now I'm doing well moving on...

[runningoutoftime]

I think this advice from Phoenixdeux is very important:

>>I would try, in small doses, to give her a feeling that you aren't just the guy waiting in the wings. <<

[ppenton]

Yes, I know and am working on this as you know its not always easy. Well, today my W txt me this morning asking if I could take S13 to his orthodontist appointment, I txt back "Sorry, I have an appointment this afternoon". Then she txt back "Ok, just thought I’d asked" and I deleted her message without responding. I'm wondering if I start taking the kids to their appts what's left for her to do with them? She takes them to and from school and to other appointments but if she wants me to do that, then she really has let go of her responsibilities. Also, on Wednesday nights she is supposed to come over to have dinner with the kids, last night she spent maybe, maybe up to 2 hours with them - WOW. Then she left, went to the liquor store and back to OM. I don't think she realizes what she is missing out by not spending much time with our kids. I know I'm enjoying every minute now as she is out of the house, I get their undivided attention each day ! Also, I don't worry about her time with them as I did in the beginning of this sitch.

[ppenton]

As I was walking last night, thinking and praying, I realized that the LBSs can look at their sitch as sort of a gift - a introspective of what they can do to make themselves better. It's a time we can learn from ourselves and our R and grow all the while the WAS is still making the same mistakes in their new R as they may not have learned from the failed M or R with us LBSs.

I think I'm moving much closer to realizing W may have given me a gift as I really release my anger and forgive her (and myself for my role in the death of our M) which will help me move on more fully. I'm thankful to have my children with me all the time as she doesn't have room for them at her new place. Nor do I want them around OM if at all possible. I seem to have more time at home now too and not sure why or how as I'm doing so much more with the kids and the chores around the house. I like the changes that I made in the home and the small changes which I find in myself. Every week that passes I get more confident and build my self-esteem back up so I can tackle any issue that arises at work or at home. I'm not ready to thank my W just yet, however, I think one day in the future I may as this wakeup call has me really looking inside of myself and I can see myself growing more everyday.

Well, onto IC and then to S15's game this afternoon

[ppenton]

Well, we had a slight scare at S15s game today. He was pitching and doing fairly until the 3rd inning when a line drive was hit back towards his head, he did get his pitching hand up to deflect the ball this was good as it did not hit his face. But it did bang his hand pretty good, so W took him to the hospital where her mom works to get x-rays. They were negative which was good, so his hand is swollen but will be fine once the swelling is down.

I did have another good session with my IC and he thinks W maybe a little MLC which her IC doesn't believe in...which I told my IC that I'm not concerned with her IC anymore. I told C that I have been really looking deep inside of me and I like the changes that have been occurring these last 2 months. I also told him that I'm working on releasing the anger and forgiving myself (for my part in the demise of M), W and OM for their parts. C is also happy for me being there for my kids and showing them I'll be there for them no matter what.

Even though S15 is hurt he wants to go to practice tomorrow morning so we need to get up at 5:00am

[runningoutoftime]

Wow, sorry to hear about your son!!! I'm glad to hear he had x-rays and that everything is okay.

I agree with you about the situation being a sort of gift. Although it's very painful, it is a time for self-reflection and growth.

With regard to your son's being around OM.... Fortunately your boys are old enough that they can probably choose where they want to be (depending on the laws in your state). So if they don't want to have any contact with OM they don't have to. I would guess they probably don't want to be around him since they are old enough to realize he is partially responsible for their mom no longer being with them.

I would guess your W probably won't push for a D unless things get uncomfortable for her in some way. It would probably be easy enough for her to skirt along the way she's going now. I think this is a positive because it will help you maintain more control over the kids. And it will give you and the kids a longer time to emotionally prepare for the D if that is going to happen.

I have to share this interesting experience I had the other day. I ran into an old friend of mine. We had been neighbors and close friends when our children were babies. She has one son my daughter's age. When the kids were in around 1st grade she decided she didn't love her husband and no longer wanted to live with him or be married to him. She moved out, got a job, left her son with his dad, had a "male roomate" for a little while, and I lost touch with them... we moved. I'd hear bits and pieces about them now and then over the years, but not very much. Once about 5 years ago we did run into her and her ex at a resturant. I was kind of surprised to see them eating dinner together, but I figured they were just discussing their son or whatever...

So... here it is about 12 years later and I run into her. One thing that shocked me is she said they were not divorced. Apparently they separated, but neither of them ever got around to filing for D. She dated over the years, but she said she hadn't been dating during the last two years. The thing that surprised me is that said the last two years of her life have been very difficult she was angry with her husband not being there to emotionally support her because he recently met a woman and now has a girlfriend.

Here is this guy... his W moved out 15 years ago, he raises their son while she leaves, has some "male roomate" for awhile, dates, lives her life... and now she's angry at him for finally "having a girlfriend" and not being there for her when she needed him!??? Sheesh... and where is the center of the world???

[ppenton]

Thanks {{{{runningoutoftime}}}} !!

Yes, S15 does not want anything to do with OM, he does know who is because one of S15 friend's mom is friends with OM. S15 would rather die than deal with this new person. S13 doesn't say much but I think he would do anything his mom wanted him to. At this point I'm not concerned about this as you said they can make their own decision.

I agree W is coasting right now and in a way so am I, as I do get more prepared for a possible D and life without her. Since, she left and I'm detaching I think I'm doing fairly well and I know I will be just fine now and in the future! I do have my bad/sad moments but I'm dealing with those better as I have put my M into God's hands and pray everyday, which has helped me greatly. I do miss her and pray for her as well.

Very interesting story and I guess the world does revolve around the WASs

Today: my son didn't play in his games cause of his hand but was there to support his team, they won both games. The second game they won in the bottom of the last inning and he told me after the game winning hit they all rushed the field to jump on the batter who won them the game. He said it was so cool

I didn't make it to the games (as S15 was not playing), so I went to S15 girlfriend's grandfather's funeral with my mom. It was a very nice celebration and many people were in attendance. Afterwards, my mom and I got subs and brought them back to my house and ate lunch with S13. Next, I went on a 2 hour walk as the weather was so nice and the sun was out most of the day. We are supposed to get rain and maybe snow the next 2 days. Tonight hung out with S13 and started working on my taxes, what fun - LOL

Have not heard from W since yesterday morning and am doing ok with that, at least she has called the kids today.