WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[confusedinpa]

It is a form of detachment but use it to gain understanding and insight. It won't last forever. The positive, loving feelings all come back but you must pass thru the stages - friendship to courtship first.
Cheers

Coach,

Thanks for checking in on my situation.

I didn't really think of it in terms of ILYBNILWY. I hadn't realized that is what's transpired between us in the last 11.5 weeks since she dropped the divorce bomb and ILYBNILWY bomb on Jan 9th.

What's odd is that she feels we are now good friends, vs. back when she dropped the bomb, she felt we weren't even friends.

Personally, I don't feel that we are friends right now. In my opinion, friends care about and respect each other's feelings and opinions. I don't get that sense from her now. It seems to be all about her needs and wants. It seems very selfish. Ironically, that seems to be a big part of her issue with me and the past.

The other nite, when we had the long discussion on the parenting agreement, she had brought up how we wound up saying I love you to each other for the first time. She said that she thinks this separation is very similar to when we first started dating. From the first day we met, we spent every day/nite together. She had felt that I was more sure that this relationship was the "one" much earlier than she had.

I don't recall whether I thought it was the "one" or it was just convienient. She was the first girl after college that I had dated that didn't require at least a 45 minute drive to get to, she was only 1 mile away. Plus, she was also the first girl that had her own house (I had my own as well, although her's was a brand new townhouse, mine was about 30 years old). All the other girls were still living with parents. I met her when I was 29 and she was 25 - most of the girls I was dating were in the low 20's so she was old for me back then (although there was an ex-stripper that was 34, but that's a different story). She was definitely the first girl that I could bring home to meet my family or take to a work function get together.

Anyway, she had said back then that she wanted to slow things down as she thought we were getting too serious. We were practically living together as I got my "drawer" within the first 6 weeks, and my toothbrush there in the first week. She recounted how she felt that I made her feel like we were going out together without really asking her each day. She had started to wonder if she was going out with me just because I was there or if she really wanted to.

Coincidentally, I had one of my trips to Florida planned so when I was down there, she used that time to see if she would have the feelings of "I wish he would call me to ask me out this weekend". Although we talked everynite I was down there (after I had gotten home from the bars), she wound up feeling she missed my presence. We wound up saying "I love you" to each other for the first time while we were on the phone. So that's how it all started.

I'm not sure if she really feels that this separation is her attempt to see if she gets the "I wish he would call to ask me out this weekend" feeling. It seems pretty severe considering she filed for divorce already.

I'm actually beginning to think the space and time may help me see if I will really miss her for her or what. I know that I still want to try, at least for the kids, but what my therapist has challenged me on is do I want to be in a relationship just because of the kids or be in a loving one. I think I'm in a scary place with my own emotions.

I appreciate your support....