Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

Well, counseling was just brilliant. NOT!
Yesterday he basically said that he just wanted to be single, not be committed to *anyone*. In our previous session he had said something like "For the first time in my life, I am okay alone" and the counselor said that he was going thru a "really important developmental stage." It probably won't 'read' right here, but I couldn't help but feel like she handed him a "legitimate reason" to bail.

I had watched Fireproof (by myself) and it galvanized my position to try; but after yesterday's session, I don't know. He is pretty clear he wants to be single. He started to rewrite history--a couple months ago he "had thought he hit the jackpot when we got married and was so in love"; yesterday "we got married for the wrong reasons." How text book.

When he was saying all this stuff, I was crying and the counselor said "That must be so painful for you to hear, blah blah blah". It ticked me off. I sort of lashed out by saying "I don't need to be validated, please stop." I also said "I do NOT appreciate this sort of "values-neutral" approach to marriage counseling. Even H had said he wished his parents had encouraged him to at least think twice before leaving. Therapy that supports this "follow your feelings" crap is damaging."
She rebutted that her default is to work on the marriage unless someone says they don't want to and then she will help people work thru the divorce process. I see the so-called logic in that, but it seems like she doesn't actually try hard to get people to really consider what they are doing.

When my H suggested he wanted to be friends and I looked at him like he was crazy, she pipes in "You need to leave her alone to grieve." I suppose that is the "right" thing to say, but it ticked me off. I wish I knew why- it just did.

At the beginning of the session I had asked him to watch Fireproof. After he says that he is "numb to it all", wants to just be single and not committed to anyone, etc, she says "So, you agreed to watch Fireproof. Will you do that before we get together next week?" He said he would. Outside I told him that I wasn't sure if I would even be at the next session. Honestly, I am not sure he needs to see Fireproof; when he says the word "Christian" it's like it's a turd on his tongue.

We agreed that we needed a break to "just sit with things". I've been asked out on a non-threatening semi-date. (I met the guy at a meetup months ago and he is moving back east, hence why it is non-threatening.) My daughter and her friend want to set me up with her friend's dad. I'm not trying to find a relationship; just want to see what else is out there. H and I have been living separately for almost 18 months. I feel more disconnected from him than ever. There is a whole world out there and I have been dealing with the "It's all about H" show for long enough. I can look myself in the mirror and know that I gave it my all and then some.

He has a ton of growing (up) to do; he is throwing out the one person in the world that knows him best, that he trusted the most (per his words). He "might realize he made a mistake in 6 months or a year...or maybe not.." he doesn't "know". And he does realize I might have moved on and fallen in love with someone else by then, and if I do, that's alright because he just wants me to be happy.

I still believe in marriage; I still think that in this society it is WAY too easy to divorce and people give up WAY too easily. If I was independently wealthy, I would probably go to school to become a marriage counselor. I think being married offers opportunity for growth that can only be acheived thru marriage.

And, by now, I think I am morally released. He does have addiction problems, there has been adultery (in the sense of his EA a few years ago and now he has done "stuff" with two other girls), and this limbo land has taken it's toll on me. He hasn't fully acknowledged his part in all of this (at least not sincerely), so there's nothing left for me to do. I have been loyal, faithful, supportive, understanding, acknowledged my part, encouraging... he has stomped on my feelings; he has been inconsiderate, self-centered, borderline cruel.

I am seeing an individual counselor of my own now. I like him so far. Heh- the MC offered to counsel us individually thru the divorce process. Wow, that's mighty nice of you- PASS!

I know I have blathered on and on; I consider this to sort of be my online journal. Of course, if anyone *does* have thoughts, I'm cool with feedback. :-)