Stuck, you said: "I guess I'm looking for unique ideas as to what could "turn her on". Just suggestions that worked for you."
I'm going to be blunt once again. I think you are still so far away from the point of trying to physically turn her back on to sex that you should just put this out of your mind for now.
Your wife is still in the position of control and doesn't want to be. She wants to be happy. She is currently still convinced that she isn't happy with you.
I don't see any way around this without either you doing something to shake the whole thing up, or both of you agreeing to counseling and agreeing to working on the relationship. Without her agreeing to it, then you are still trying to coerce her. And this applies to the whole relationship.
Now how to get her to WANT to agree to work on it and talk?
I'm trying gently to tell you that you are acting without a backbone. And this will not get her to want to try. It will keep her feeling that she is unhappy but is in control of the situation, a position she doesn't want.
You said: "The problem is that my W has never been much of a talker. I've had to do a fair share of mind reading over the 17 years of our R. She was just never taught how as her mom never opens up to her own emotions."
Ok here is an example of how you are not showing back bone, and then "blaming" the "problem" on your wife. You see, this is an area in your life where you have accepted her stonewalling and helped her make excuses for "why" she is stonewalling. Instead, you should have, from the beginning, set your boundaries in stone and let her know that talking and communicating were core needs to your marriage, and you simply refuse to let her stonewall you. Would that be uncomfortable? Hell yes. But only a few times. After that, she would respect your boundary and would have talked.
We teach people how to treat us. You have taught your wife that its ok to be married to you without communicating with you. You've taught her that if she wants to run away and hide behind non-communication, you will not stand up to her. You will tip-toe around and try to find some back door to communication. She knows this now more than ever.
You said: "As far as the A, I can never really be sure that it's over, but can go back into trusting her. She did return all of his things after I kicked her out and has had no real contact with him outside of work which is in a busy clinic."
OK so this is the toughest part for me to tell you, but if you can never be realy sure that its over, then its not over. Again, you've taught her that you will be disrespected and you will not even demand that she proclaim that its over. She gets defensive and irritated when you try to talk about it, and that shuts you down. So you've taught her that you will not stand in the way of an affair going on nor even ask questions of your own wife that are obviously relevant to your marriage, because you are afraid of her defensiveness.
So stuck...I'm just not sure I can help you. I am really trying, but you are in a position of self-placed weakness within your marriage. And what a woman needs and wants is a strong man. If she is in the wrong, even if she is flailing and screeching at him, she actually wants to be put in her place. (Just as with men - its the same. My man needs to be put in his place occasionally and if I stood there and watched him act disrespectful to me but did not put him in his place, then he would immediately lose respect for me.) We all need to be strong enough to place our own boundaries and enforce them.
Here's my quick overview of what I see in your sitch:
*She has all the control, but doesn't want it. She actually wants a stronger, in-control man who will help her when she's out of control by putting her in her place. This is probably one of the reasons she fell for her boss. He is older and established and this gives her an idea of him being in control. She actually wants that as she knows that when she is in control, things don't go the right way.
*She cannot heal and move on from her A because she still works for him. Busy office or not, she is still likely "in love" with him (fog love, not real love) and waiting for another opportunity to amp up the A. Have you heard of the idea of withdrawal? A parnters have to go through the withdrawal stage in order to get completely over each other. They can't do this if they are in regular contact. And seeing each other at work everyday - even if they don't talk - is regular contact. She is shutting you down every time you try to bring it up because she is still in an A with him, in her heart and mind, if not more.
*You are doing great in many respects and you love her very much. DB has obviously helped you tremendously. But I think that you have missed some key points in your DB learning process...and those points are the ones I'm making above. You are focused on getting the sex back into the picture, but I still don't get that. This is a woman who won't even really talk to you about her true feelings. Typically, a woman cannot feel ready for physical intimacy until she has acheived emotional intimacy ... so it would seem she is still miles away from this with you.
Stuck, I hope you don't feel I am beating up on you. Please recall in my first post on this thread, that I said to people to let me know and ask me questions IF they are ready to hear my cold, hard, truth approach. If you are feeling beat up, then you probably aren't ready to hear my cold, hard approach. But please recognize that I am trying to give you clues that really COULD help you....if you will be open to it. So far, it seems you are not really open to what I am saying, because you are too afraid to lose her. I can understand that and I will pray for your sitch...hang in there.
