No response today, and I really thought I'd get something this morning as he is an early riser at work. I am very disappointed and hurt. I tried calling him yesterday as well and he didn't answer. So, guess that's my answer. I will wait a bit more, but I am close to done waiting, I think I have done my share.
Diane...I don't know how else to say this so I will be blunt: If I were you, I'd not wait any longer. I would just go see a lawyer. I know that is horrible sounding advice, and you don't want to just chuck everything into a big hole all at once....
But after seeing you struggle with literally zero communication from him in so many months you've been on the boards with us is just truly painful. You really need (IMO) to stop waiting for him to do ANYTHING, and take charge of your own life and decisions.
He has made his decision obvious. His decision is that he won't do anything to keep you around as long as he has to work for it, grow and change, go to counseling, or try to have a sex life. He is only willing to remain status quo. That is his decision.
Now...its time for you to make YOUR decision.
By talking to a lawyer (and then making this known to your H), I think one of two things will happen:
1. Your H will be astounded and will realize he better re-think the counseling, growing, and sex....or....
2. Your H will throw in the towel and quickly prove to you that there is nothing left to fight for.
Hon - I am so sorry. I wish I had better advice. But seriously, just talking to a lawyer doesn't mean divorce. What it means is that you are serious about CHANGE. It might prompt him to realize how much he is about to lose. It might also prompt you to realize that you can accept things as they are a bit longer. Maybe talking to a lawyer will change YOUR mind, and make you more willing to stick things out. But I think just having that talk and facing your possible future is important.
Please - the biggest point is - stop waiting for HIM to decide YOUR future. Decide your future for yourself, then ask him if he wants to be by your side during it or if he wants no part of it.
Still no response. Not that I am totally shocked, but I am annoyed. So, I guess this is my life for now until I'm gone. We have talked, but the way we always do, as friends or roommates.
I am sending something today, nothing huge, just a comment that I guess I got my answer. Yes, its pretty much a dig, but I'm hurt that I didn't even warrant a response. So, I'm sending it.
Thanks DQ, that means a lot. And to all who come here.
No response for awhile, because I am embarrassed to say that I didn't send anything.
What do I possible send after the letter I just sent. I have read it, and re read it, and I don't think it was mean or unwarranted. I just don't know what to say to him now. I don't want to split, I want him to talk. I would love to send something, but.......... what ??
I think I said everything that needed to be said in the last letter. ( Still have not received anything btw ) Just the, I got it, and I'm mad comment............. So, Im at a standstill and have NO idea what to do next other then start packing.
Hey, Diane, just caught up on your posts (Mexico was so nice and hot & sunny then we had 2 days of snow when we got back. ICKK)
All of use the word 'intimacy' in connection with our marital sex lives. Intimacy exists on several levels in different kinds of relationships. Intimate friends, for example; the really close ones we dish with and share our feelings and opinions. Setting sex relationships aside, marriages have intimacy in that we've shared our childhood memories with our spouses, our goals in life, our fears, our pride in our accomplishments, our satisfactions, our discontents, our spirituality,our dreams for our children....we know the name of each others' first dog....
I don't get the impression that you have much, if any, of that in your marriage. With the long separations his job requires, it would seem difficult to spend much time in those kinds of conversations. From your comments it almost seems that he gravitated to that kind of work in order to avoid spending your lives closely together, consciously or not. Picture yourselves on vacation without the kids. You are at a beach, lying on chaises next to each other, watching the waves rolling in...are you holding hands? Will you be dancing together in the evening when the band is playing in the beach bar? What will you be talking about other than the kids and your families?
Some couples forget how to be together, others never were. Those who do have this kind of intimacy, sharing and trust will find it much easier to deal with serious issues as they arise in their marriage.
When one partner completely shuts the other out - refusal to talk is only one of the ways to do that, absence is another - there is no real marriage. You can't really be partners if one isn't participating.
Other than asking him what, specifically, he was pissed about, there isn't much more you can do unless you want to ask him how he'd feel if you were gone next time he came home. You know me, I'd ask both in the same email. (Patience my ass, I'm going to go out and.... LOL)
He's broken. You can't fix him. He doesn't think he's broken. He doesn't want to be fixed. He doesn't want to fix himself. And you're being broken as a result. That's the part I have empathy for. I hate your heartache. Life's too short....
Whatever you decide to do, take care of you first, Jayce
Last edited by Jayce; 04/08/0911:33 PM.
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
As for what we would be doing on a warm beach, it's an easy answer as we have been there. Last year we went to Mexico, and 2 yrs before that we were in Jamaica. He was in bed early every night while I stayed out with family and friends in Jamaica. There was no ML...... lol That would have been a miracle. When we went to Mexico, we went with the kids and we split up. Then the idea of ML wouldn't even be able to come up. I stayed with my daughter, and he stayed with my son. Again, he was in bed very early. Me and the kids enjoyed the night life, and whatever we wanted to do. We all had a blast, but like I said in my letter, he is a roommate.
I have decided for now, I'm NOT sending anything to him. I'm not asking for a reply, or why he got pissed as he so put it. He doesn't deserve me any longer. So, I will stay in this marriage for now as it exists. He can live in his bubble, and maybe he'll come to me and say something, and maybe he won't. All I know is that it's no longer me at this point who is going to push for answers. I have talked and sent letters etc......... as much as I feel was needed. Probably too much. If we wants more, he'll have to come to me. I know he won't, but then one day when I am gone............ he can not ask why. He will know. If he doesn't, then I feel sorry for him because he will never have a true connections with anyone.
That's where I am at today. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but thats where it stands. I hadn't sent a reply to his " Im pissed " comment, and asked myself why. I came up with that Im done. I deserve more then this. I am worth some kind of effort. I should not have to chase anyone to care for me. So, I am not sending anything.
He would be so mad to know that I feel this way. He's always been the man who said >> I work hard, you should know I love you. He has always thought that because he works away this is his way of showing love. It why in the past he's been so confused as to why I was asking how he felt about me. he figured I should know all these things because he works away. So sad........
diane74, I have been catching up on your posts. I have to say that it saddens me and that I am truly inspired by your resolve and commitment. I'm saddened to see that you seem to be at the end of your rope and that your H is not responding. I think he's a fool that should be kicked in the ass.
I had to get that out. I hope it ends better than you are anticipating.
Take care, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I hope your not responding to his saying he was pissed doesn't make him think he scared you into shutting up & all is well now & the whole issue is closed. I think its kinda a given in a guy's mind that if we know we made them mad, we're scared & will not do it again.
I know all the books, etc. say if one has LD there's nothing "wrong" with them - it is just them & they are fine that way, one only has to find a compromise. Well, OK, yeah. Howsomever, dear friends, relatives, strangers, creatures under the porch and Joe the Mailman, there is truly something wrong with a man who claims to have ND, thinks sex is totally unnecessary and evidently the root of all fights and scary things. Especially considering this is a man who prefers to work far away from his wife for months at a time and believes this is proof of his love.
I almost wonder if whatever he saw happen at home between his mother and dad, her boyfriends, etc. turned him into one of those guys who has Madonna/whore syndrome in some skewed way. You are a boy's mother, therefore shouldn't be messed with, put upon, dirtied, abused.... Wouldn't it be ironic if he really did want sex, but because he feels this way, living far apart is the only way he can be "nice" to you. If you were together all the time he'd have a problem supressing his normal desire???
Don't you just hate it when someone refuses to tell you what they think/feel? If you weren't married to that, you could just drop the friend or whatever. Not worth the aggravation, games, etc. Very childish to hold out like that. How can you change your behavior, apologize, ..? They don't want you to, cuz then they'd have no reason to be mad at you and act nasty. Bleah. Go find someone else to pick on.
Gotta go. Maybe I'll catch up w/you later tonite. Jayce
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
