peace & na- I appreciate your comments and support as always.
Jack- Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. The sage advice you give on this board is so appreciated. With the exception of couple of weekend trips when we were dating, I made all of our travel plans. It is different for me to let him make the arrangements and we did make plans to go on a weekend trip weekend after next. However, I don't think that trip will be happening now...
I had a dream last night that reflects exactly what I am feeling. I dreamt that my H and I were out traveling around and came across a little wedding chapel. We went inside and my H thought it would be fun for us to renew our vows. I was excited that my H wanted to recommit to the M. We start the ceremony and as soon as I say my vows and before my H says his, he walks away and goes off to another room. He never comes back to say his vows but does sign the marriage certificate. I was left feeling like I do now...I am married but no real commitment.
I have been at this for more than two years now. I believe there have been so many positive changes in me due to this experience but maybe due to these changes, there is something inside of me is dying. I have lost the compassion for what my H is going through. My H and I had C last night and I kind of let him have it. I just can't sit there and listen to all the crap and excuses anymore. After almost a year of counseling, he can't stop bringing up stupid issues time and time again. I do not think he really wants to move forward. There is a big part of him that likes the way his life is now and that does not work for me. I have explained to my H that I want someone in my life that enjoys my company and looks forward to being with me. I want someone in my life that wants to know how my day was and doesn't care if what I have to say isn't always interesting. I want someone in my life that I know will always be there for me. This isn't my H...at least not now.
Last night at C, my H said how he thought his being out of town for the last two weekends bothered me. I never gave him any reason to believe that...it is his own guilt but regardless of that, it appears he doesn't want to give up his freedom. Also, my H likes to gamble and when he was out of town last weekend, he won some money. He called me on his way home telling me that he stopped to do a little shopping. I said something like "Oh, you're going to spend some of your winnings." He said he took that as some kind of criticism. Now mind you, my H has been a spending fool since he left over two years ago and I have not said anything. I support myself and I have accepted that he can do whatever he wants with his own money regardless of how stupid or frivolous it is. The C told him that when something like that happens, he needs to discuss it with me rather than just let it bother him. Can someone please explain to me why my H wants to look at things I say and things I don't even say so negatively? Guilt???
I am so tired of this...seeing progress from my H only to have him back off again. I have read here so many times that LBS has to be especially still when their spouse is nearing the end of their MLC. I have tried to be patient and understanding but every time my H makes some forward movement and then backs off again, it kills my feelings toward him just a little more. I am sure those feelings could return if my H was able to put the effort in but I'm not sure he ever will be. I feel so stuck and I just know I want more than this in my life. I was so frustrated last night I started talking D. I know when something isn't working, you need to try something different. I just don't know what I can do differently with my H other than walk away. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I called my H this morning to tell him about my dream. He laughed at how he was avoiding in the dream but said he said since it was his idea to renew our vows, the dream was inconsistent. He wants to meet for lunch today. I'm not sure how this is going to turn out.
