Healing my Heart part 7

[fightingirish]

Hey guys, can't believe its part 7... geesh... feels like I've been here forever.

I went back and read some posts from the beginning of part 6.. and Wow.. what a roller coaster ride!

Things are still so up and down all the time, im hanging in. H is still not satisfied with our love life, but hasen't been too bad with me. he's really focused on getting work. Things financially are getting worse around here.

Our focus has been just that, and being healthy.

Doctor diagnosed me with migranes today and sleep deprivation I was hoping it was just my sinuses but nope! I told him I wanted to try other things before I started on any kind of medication.We will see how it goes.

Things are a bit stressful with everything going on, but im ok. One day at a time..

[fightingirish]

Well just as things were going "ok" BAM... yet another drama lurking in the wing. Be warned this is a vent..

H and I got into a heated argument about something, and because I didn't give my opinon to him right away, he assumed the worst. I was actually in the middle of reading on the computer about this migraine med that the dr. wants to put me on, so I was half listening to him. Anyway, I did answer him but then accused me of lying about my opinion just to shut him up... WTH?????

He blew up at me, I mean he said every mean thing he could to me, put me down, and at the end for the finale he said that he could just wipe my name off of the bank account and i would have nothing..... We've heard this from him before.

I kept my cool (yea imagine that) and said you are just a mean, selfish person, and Im tired of you putting me down and holding the bank account crap over my head. Then I went upstairs.

Do any of you guys just get tired of fighting the fight? I mean, he blames me for everything and anything possible. Be it the kids, money the house, whatever.. meanwhile, I take care of the Business, the business bills, personal bills, the kids and the houue. He really does not appreciate anything I do, and mearly am here to wait on him and clean up after him.

Ok, and when I ask myself why I stay, well you all know the answer. My kids. Yes Unfortunately I do love the man, but not the ugly one that comes out and tears me down.

I can't win this battle..Im not looking for answers because there just isn't any. He really doesn't "like" me I don't think. Im just an Convenience for him and he knows it. He knows I will do what it takes to run the business and the house, and I think he takes big time advantage of that.

I said nothing to him this morning, he said goodbye to me, but it was forced and just another tool for him to say "well I said goodbye"... I know him only too well that he uses that crap against me. I don't buy it anymore. How can I trust him not to just leave me with nothing, to be on the street. He can't possibly care about me at all if he keeps on threatening this crap, why does he stay??? This is like torture.. he's torturing me maybe so I will leave??

I know its just messed up.

You guys are all I got. I don't speak to my gf anymore about what's going on, because Im trying to help her keep her M.. she doesn't need to hear about my problems.

We will see what the day brings. He will be out most of the day, which is good. Will not call him for any reason, only text if it is business related. I don't want to talk to him.

God give me strength.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

TAL,

I know you're staying for your kids (I largely have too), but I think you need to consider:

Is this the kind of male behavior you want modeled in front of your boys as they grow older? That it's okay to treat women this way?

(((hugs))),

Puppy

[Hope4us]

(((TAL)))

You've got mail.

[Sara]

Tal,

Your husband is very much a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. One side of the personality is very nice; the other is very mean. We all have at least the two sides within us, but most have learned to control the behavior of the vicious side by adulthood. And probably, outside of the house, your husband does control it, but he doesn't feel a need to do that at home. Of course, his behavior is wrong. And he could be helped with IC to become aware of the bad behavior he displays. But, I also know that he is not likely to go.

How do you know he won't cut you off financially? That's why marriage is a legal institution. The state has a body of rules to protect you from his wrath if you divorce. It is there to protect you.

What you said to him last night was perfect. There is one adult in your house, and you are it. I wish I knew how to change a 200 pound child into an adult, but I am clueless there. Perhaps talking to an attorney about what your safety net is would help you to feel more secure.

[NoCodeBlues]

(((((((Tal)))))))

Your H is his own worst enemy. I don't get his verbal threat to leave you "with nothing" nor your acceptance of that as the possible outcome. In most states he would be lucky to walk away with 50%. So unless you have some special circumstances I am not considering, I think his words are all bluster.

Even if there is support for his assertion, I still think he's just acting out to try to gain some footing. I agree its a foolish and crappy way to do so. It disrespects himself as well as you.

I had a friend suggest that our next book for our Christian study group be one that while it happens to incorporate spiritual principles although not entirely religious -- she suggested Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I found this an interesting suggestion.

I have had the audiobook for some time and it had been years since I last listened to it. So I started listening to it again this past week, this time keeping an ear to the entire range of spheres that the ideas expressed touch upon -- Spiritual, Mental, Emotional, Practical, Relational, Parental, Marital, Cultural, etc.

It has gotten me to thinking of the dynamics in the deteriorating situation with my STBXW. I can see how our terrible communication and lack of civility is getting progressively worse, this time with a different clarity.

My STBX's paradigm is that happiness in life is zero-sum, for her to be happy, I have to be unhappy. This is what Covey describes as Win-Lose. My attitude, on the other hand, has been to sacrifice to keep the peace, the "Nice Guy Syndrome". Covey calls this "Lose-Win". The problem is that unless we really work hard for a Win-Win relationship, Covey says that on the fundamental matters a Win-Lose or a Lose-Win relationship will always devolve into a Lose-Lose.

I can see that your H is also displaying a lot of the poor characteristics that led to my own M failing. I think he says those things to you because he is trying to underpin his own flagging self worth. He is feeling a lack of respect. But he is making the common mistake to think that he can regain some respect for himself by putting you down like that. Win-Lose. But that will only lead to Lose-Lose, for the both of you.

I'd like to see the both of you manage to work out a real Win-Win relationship with each other, for both of your sakes as well as for the boys.

[fightingirish]

Thank you ((((pup,hope,sara,nc)))

Pup- No this definately is not what I want for them, at all. I struggle with this all the time. The only thing good that came out last night is that they were both in bed fast asleep to hear any of it. But I know children sense tension.

Hope- Back at you

Sara- As always, you are right. That is exactly what he is. No question about it. There is no middle ground and I hate it. He flies off the handle for no reason, and then is nice as pie. It exhausting to put up with, no to mention to figure out. He likes making empty threats , I guess it makes him feel he has the upper hand.

Nc.. yes I believe his is insecure within himself, therefore takes it out on me to make himself feel better. Its a crappy azz way to live let me tell you.

It just isn't in my personality to give up, im a fighter, especially since my boys are here. I can't do that to them. On the other hand, maybe it would be better if we weren't togeather. I don't know. I guess I can say, it could be worse, we don't fight everyday, but when its bad its really bad, when its good, its really good. Do you understand what I mean.

the good reels me back in to stick it out.. its a vicious cycle that seems to never end.

He did call me, which I knew he would, actually like usual, like nothing happend.. it drives me nuts. I spoke factually (about work) and then said goodbye. Knowone in this world can bring out the bad in me like he can.

Im going to venture out today, to clear my head.S6 has tee ball on saturday, need to buy him a mit. Last night a girl called him, YUP I couldn't beleive it.. he's only 6 for goodness sake, but he's a love

Thanks again guys.

[Rob1231]

Hi TAL, Glad you are still hanging in there - I say that for your sake, not for H's.

I'm curious... Why don't you split up your finances so he no longer has this to wave over your head? Divide everything into "your money", "H's money" and "family money" (which includes stuff that pays for the house, kid stuff, etc.) Granted, most of the $$ will undoubtedly end up in the joint account - but it would be really worthwhile for you to establish your own credit history, have your own "spending money", etc.

W and I did this back during The Dark Days, and I am still glad we did! It really is nice to have my own money to spend however I want, without having anyone else to ask about every dollar. If I want to buy myself lunch, or an expensive "splurge", or a new jacket - I can! It's liberating to be responsible for your own money, and to NOT be responsible for worrying about how the other person is spending theirs.

FWIW!

[fightingirish]

Thanks Rob.. and your right. We have started this seperate business and Im going to start taking a salary but that's not going to happen until we get some work under our belts.

Things are ok here. H is so up and down, I can't keep track.

He really bit my head off yesterday about something... ooohh I was so mad, He flies off the handle for no reason..SO.. I said I've had enough of this and Went upstairs to do laundry. Came down again to feed the kids lunch and he came over to me and apologized!! Heck ya... I couldn't believe it :o. All I said was I hope he meant it. That was it.

Our bidding season is getting really busy, and with the kids home this wk, Im likely to lose my mind before Friday.

H wasn't home all day, so I had a little break...

[fightingirish]

Well guys it was bad last night, really bad.


He came home yesterday and went upstairs. The kids were downstairs watching cartoons. He went up there to watch the news "again". He is obsessed with watching the news that's all he ever does. I layed with him awhile, then got up, He never puts a movie on for us, or anything, just watches the news.. Anyway, my gf is supposed to be coming in my area this week, and I've been waiting for her email via fb to see what time etc.

So I came downstairs and checked it. He came down and started saying that I was addicted to fb... WTH?? I asked him if he was trying to pick a fight?? so he then started looking at all my stuff on there, now mind you I have a seperate account that is personal and one with DB so don't worry. So he proceeded on being so nasty the rest of the night. I asked him if he was run out to the store and get me some medicine, he said no. I said fine. I didn't want to take the kids out so late, and he usually doesn't mind running out. I guess it was his way of punishing me.

Took the kids to bed. I couldn't sleep, came down stairs and got a drink. Then about 1/2 hour later he calls me down to look at this patent he wants to do, but get snippy with me anyway. Then it started.

Tells me: I don't care about him because I was on fb and not with him.. tells me that that hes going to erase everything on it. Asked me about my friend and how come I didn't invite him???? I said nothing was in stone, I was waiting for her reply. Anyways, it got heated (12am at night!) He AGAIN brought up the money thing. I told him i've had it with that threat. He said well you can hold the kids over my head, what can I use??? I said how about nothing, since Ive never brought them into the equation.

It was a long drawn out night. It ended with Me reminding him about what his bf commented to me about 2 wks ago which was something along the lines of " I think H cares about it, I know he loves the boys"... What I slap that was. That tells me something ya know.

Then I went to bed. Didn't see him this morning, actually stayed in bed until he left.

I cried myself to sleep last night. He has no emotion anymore for me. Oh I also said to him how dare he check up on me, what I do on here is innocent, and lets not get into the discussion on the internet, because im not the one who was looking for sex on there.

Im worn out. He has completely removed himself from any love he had for me, ya he can be ok sometimes and even do nice things once in awhile, but he is either has a motive for it (looking for recongition from other people, yes its true) or its because the boys nag him.

He reminds me that if he leaves that I will sink like a lead ship and go running back to my parents (which he doesn't like anybody in my family) Actually he doesn't like many people.

I keep thinking once the kids are gone, is this the person I want to be with everyday. If I got sick when I was old, he would do no part in taking care of me or my needs. and this scares me to death. What do I have? A messed up relationship with my H that he feels is all my doing.

I wish I could just get in my car with my kids, and drive and keep driving. But I can't do that to them.


ahhhhhhhhhhhh what am I going to do... I just don't know. But I am going to delete my fb for db, I can't have him find it, also I will change my name on here.. I have to, to be safe.