I'm not a doctor or anything... but W pretty explicitly chronicled her thought processes in this journal over a long period of time. Just from the journal I've identified 7 of the 9 criteria for BPD, and she only needs to meet 5 to be diagnosed.
Thankfully I educated myself early on, and my first evidence bomb was a pretty good wake up call for W's attorney.
Soon I'm going to drop my second, and I'm reminded of Kevin Spacey's quote from Se7en:
"Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer, and then you'll notice you've got their strict attention."
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Changing routine seems to bother W a lot. This morning I didn't bring the kids to the daycare like I usually do, took them straight to school. She started text-messaging asking if they were sick or something. I just said - nope, took them myself. She didn't reply.
Ordered a new car seat which should arrive today. Have my own diaper bag, diapers, clothes, etc. Signing affidavit this morning to support psych eval. All of a sudden I'm going to cut her off routine-wise and outside of passing D1 back and forth during custody swaps, and going dark outside of communication about D1 via text-message.
With an ongoing A, possible mental health problems, and the fact that said A is being rubbed in my face by W at this point. I think it is pretty clear I need to move on towards the D.
My M means a lot to me... my engagement where I searched around the country for the perfect ring, she loves dolphins and I found a ring that had dolphins molded into the band. I proposed on one knee, with two glasses of wine in front of my fireplace as we danced to our song. Prior to our wedding I spent six months exercising and losing 50 lbs so that I would look great for her during the wedding and honeymoon. Our honeymoon, where we spent the week on the beach, just having a great time, and we went to an aquarium where she got to touch a dolphin for the first time. We worked on making a baby after being married for a year... her excitement as she explained taking her temperature and which point of her cycle she was at, cervical mucous, and all sorts of nasty crap she was overly excited about. Sitting in the delivery room, me and the nurse helping her push, and cutting the umbilical cord of D1... and now this... she is throwing it all away for a guy who lives with his parents and is an alcoholic who doesn't even want kids, is just having a grand old time. And she seems keen on rubbing that in my face, and wanting me to be upset.
And I am... just not openly. I'm not going to fall apart for her. I'm not going to beg, or plead, or whine, or whatever she is expecting. I'm going to let her go, because I love her, and because I have no control over what she does. The only thing I require out of a relationship is for the other person to choose to love me, and for us to work on that. If my therapist is correct - W will be going downhill from here mentally. And I can't have her in a position where she is abusing my children emotionally with her behavior.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
What would be the result of the psych eval -- legally? That is, what would the results have to be for the courts to grant you full custody from the mother? (or is that what you're after?)
What would be the result of the psych eval -- legally? That is, what would the results have to be for the courts to grant you full custody from the mother? (or is that what you're after?)
Well, assuming she is diagnosed officially with BPD my therapist told me that is a pretty big deal. Courts are supposed to look after the "best interests of the child" and while fathers don't normally get custody in my state (I already have once before) I've got a long track record and can stand toe to toe with her even without the mental eval. With the eval, BPD is a serious disorder where she can just cut off her feelings for anyone - including children - and it would be an emotionally abusive upbringing, and would possibly lead my daughter to develop similar problems due to environmental factors.
So I'd make a strong argument, and hope we get a good solid case behind that. If we get an expert opinion that says this would hurt the child - it will be hard for them to white wash it.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I went to my lawyer's office yesterday. Read through the motion, and my affidavit. Took the pen, and although my hand shook for a second I signed it and authorized them to file.
I reflect back, and as I look at the love I have for W, I also recognize that I'm going to have to take actions she is not going to like, and which will likely mean an end to any sort of relationship with her family, in order to do what I believe is right.
In the end, she may possibly get help, and she may be able to have a happy and fulfilling life. But I won't receive any gratitude from her family. I'll always be the jerk who brought her problems out into the open.
I am under no illusion that there will be hope for my M going this path. But I also prioritize my D's well-being above my own desires.
I will continue to chronicle the story... as maybe some of the events I am going through will help someone else make decisions that they know are hard.
It has been four days since I got off the fence, and made the decision to focus solely on moving on. I have a sense of grief, but also a sense of purpose that I know I'm moving towards a better future - whatever that might be.
In the end, whether working on your M or moving through a D - you have to learn to be happy with yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else. I've learned a lot here, and through the events in my life. I hope to be able to give advice that is helpful to some of you going through similar situations.
One thing I will say now... although your heart may be strong, and you are willing to ride the emotional roller coaster for a while - you have to keep focused on the needs of your children if you have any. They aren't equipped a lot of the times to deal with the emotional issues.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
That is beautifully written, and while I'm sorry for your pain, I am, nevertheless, proud of the strength and the CHARACTER you are displaying.
I think you have a reasonable outlook on your in-laws.
Blessings to you and your children,
Puppy
I've come to recognize that while I might be able to handle the ups and downs for a while - my children are being affected by her selfish behavior, and whether she is 'fogged' or not - they deserve better, and yes I deserve better as well.
Turning off feelings for me I can understand. Turning off her feelings for the kids is troubling.
I think your posts on here are some of my favorites, always a must read when you 2x4 someone on setting boundaries.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
