I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow...!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So, back to the question of when to pick up the girls on Sunday (today). I told her between 10:30 and 11 AM. She was clearly acceptable to that. My thoughts were three-fold. First, I wanted more time with the girls. Second, it takes them from her for a bit longer than normal - something she'll need to experience if the divorce goes through. After having the girls all day long, almost all the time, this should really leave a hole in her day, and I know she'll miss them. And, lastly, by picking them up at 1030, it indicates that I chose being with my kids over going to church.

So, I stopped by this morning around 10:40 for the girls. W was just coming out of the door with the dog - I greeted her as she told me she'd be out a few minutes with the dog. When she came inside, she told me she had already packed the swimsuits and towels, and also granola bars in case they got hungry for a snack. She asked if they needed snow boots, in case we played in the snow too, which she packed into a separate bag. I was reasonable to her - not overly warm or artificial, but also not cold. Is that the right way to approach this now? I'm being kind of neutral... I read that I maybe should be more enthusiastic, perhaps acting joyful, but it seems as though it might appear artificial if I lay it on too thick.. Any thoughts on that? Anyway, she said her goodbyes to each girl, kisses, etc. She then told us all goodbye, in a less enthusiastic tone. I guess maybe that goodbye was directed towards me, I'm not sure.

So, we left. I put the kids in the car, and realized we hadn't agreed on a time of when to bring the kids home. So, I ran back inside and asked W when I should have them back (we always set the return time before I leave just to keep us all on the same page). She asked me what time I thought and offered 6:30, maybe 7pm the latest. I was making a point to sound upbeat, and she was receptive to my time offer. She also sounded more upbeat when I did this. I didn't linger - I told her goodbye and immediately departed, feeling as though perhaps SHE didn't feel as down as she did when I depated with the kids a minute earlier.

So, we had a really good day again...swimming, playing, visiting grandparents...

Brought the kids home at about 6:40. W was real happy to see the kids, of course. I did something different there too... When leaving the grandparent's home , I didn't call her to let her know we were leaving. I usually do, but I thought if I didn't call, that maybe she'd call instead. I was thinking she might call me instead, and when she did I'd already be on the way home, showing her that I am respecting her desire to get the kids home earlier on a school night. Well, she didn't call, but that's ok. I had them home in plenty of time.

Kids told mom of the awesome time we had. We went to a huge rec center in grandparents' town that has two awesome pools, a really cool indoor play area, two ice skating rinks, and so on. They both want to go back there. I'm glad they had fun (and so did I) and I hope it left Mom wishing she could have gone along with us. I mentioned to W days ago that she isn't necessarily excluded from anything we do if she wants to come along. She acknowledged that at the time. Maybe if I show the kids such a good time, perhaps W will be interested too someday. For what it's worth.

Interesting note - after the pool, the kids wanted a snack, so I opened up the bag and found 3 granola bars. Maybe this doesn't mean much, but the W could have packed only 2 granola bars... It was a nice gesture, just like when we were happily married. It shows, if nothing else, that she was thinking of me. It's something.

Anyway, once the kids were inside, I told W that I wanted an overnight with the kids at grandparents' house. She said it was ok, with her - I asked for next Sat night into Sunday. She was agreeable to that. I also told her that I wanted to get started on the taxes. She advised me that she has started collecting all of the tax docs for me. I normally do taxes on the home computer with a popular tax software. I told her of this, and that I was not sure that I could download the application at work. I certainly can't load it onto a work computer (policy violation) so I told her it might be easiest and fastest just to do it on the home computer (like I have done for years). She said that was ok - and did I want to do this tomorrow (when I am home with D4 for the day) or "later". I wasn't sure what she meant by later, so I just told her that if it was ok with her, I'd download it tomorrow, and if that was successful, then maybe I can start on it, and we'll figure out when I can finish it.

She was very cooperative with the whole concept. Not sure what to make of it. I'm thinking she's just being cooperative for the sake of being cooperative. I won't read any more into it than that.

After re-reading this post, I again see how being upbeat to her reflected in her being upbeat to me.

Dave, after re-reading this post, my observation is that while it's GOOD to be upbeat (sounds like you're doing a real good job there), you're still WAAAAAAYYYYYY too focused on what your wife does, what she says, what she thinks, what she MIGHT be thinking, what she MEANS by what she says, what she MEANS by what she does, etc., etc.

Can you see it in what I've highlighted above? I know those are just some of your thoughts on here, to us, and that you don't necessarily vocalize all of this with her (although SOME of it, you did), but I can't help but think you're probably coming across this way to her, too, which she's not going to be receptive to. She will see it as pursuing, needy, and not very attractive.

THIS is more what you should be shooting for:

Regardless, I told her that I needed a positive message, and I got it there, and there is no pressure from the people in this particular church - besides, I'll take from it what I want, and still believe what I want.

AND

I mentioned to W days ago that she isn't necessarily excluded from anything we do if she wants to come along.

Confident; leading; upbeat.

Puppy

[1853dave]

PDT,

I was waiting for you to jump in. Yes, I know I am still trying to read her - sorry, I can't help it. But, I am trying to curtail any pursuing. I still don't see the pursuing that you are trying to point out to me. Sorry if I am blind to it...I thought I was doing a good job. I am just trying to get some feedback to see if anything I am doing is helping or hurting my situation.

I am worried about the financial situation. She does not manage money well at all. I am sure - really sure - that if/when we divorce, that she will lose the condo. There just simply is not enough money to pay the mortgage and HOA fees, as well as bills, groceries, etc. if she thinks she'll just get some work "on the side" there's no way she'll be able to bring in the rest of the needed money. She's a nursing student, two kids...I just don't see it.

I was looking for tax paperwork today and found a credit card bill for over $2,000. This was one of the two cards that we agreed to pay off at mediation back at the end of January. It was also one of the two cards that she was hiding from me. In fact, the first thing we did was to agree to take the money from a home equity line of credit to pay them off. Now I see that even though the money was transferred to her account, that apparently she did not send the money to the CC company.

Nice, huh. I wonder if the mortgage is paid up to date. My name is still on it.

She's screwing everything up.

Do I ask her about the mortgage? I'm afraid to confront her on it... She is definitely hiding her financial distress.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Absolutely you ask her. In fact, you might want to just ask her a broad "Is there anything about our finances that you want to tell me, before it comes out as part of any disclosures?"

She might even cop to something you DON'T yet know about.

Puppy

[1853dave]

PDT,

I'll wait for an appropriate time to ask her. I like your idea about asking that way.

We didn't have much face to face time, but a little as we discussed tax papers. I remained upbeat, etc. I cannot find most of the documents I need. She said anything that came to the house with my name on it was put into a box. We both looked through the box at every paper, and there are no W-2s from work, no 1099-INT, no 1099-G, etc etc... We have lived there for years, there has been no address change... You and I both know that she has been so disorganized and messy that she just lost them, or misplaced them. Well, normally I would have gotten angry, or at least blamed her in some way (she could have kept better tabs on my incoming mail) but I didn't. I simply told her I'd get the docs from my employer, and some of the stuff I can get online. Shouldn't be much of a problem.

I am surprised that I have not been getting angry over things like I used to. I mean, I wouldn't slam doors or yell or punch walls, but I would let her know how unhappy I was, perhaps make some remarks, be sarcastic, and I would tend to blame her for things. That would just escalate into fights, which maybe got me here over the years. I am finding that although some things she does is aggrevating, I can still control how I react. If I don't react in a negative manner, she doesn't either. In the past this would have been one incident that would not have gone well. Today, with my better behavior and better reaction, the entire issue was a non-event.

Interestingly, while W and D9 were at school all day, I took D4 for a walk around the neighborhood. One of our neighbors "L" called out of her door - told us to come in. She told me that she spoke to my W last week, and she was really sorry (that W announced her steadfast plans to divorce still). She was shocked, but she told me that W said something interesting to her. W said, "You know, he's been very kind to me lately..." W sounded surprised and confused, apparently, at my behavior. "L" said something to the effect that she believed in counseling that there may come a time where you start seeing your spouse differently...and she asked her if that was happening. W replied, "I...I...I don't know." "L" asked her "Is that how he was when you were first dating?" and she replied "Yeah, he does seem to be more like when I first met him..."

This feedback was GOLD to me.

I'm learning...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good! Now keep LEADING, and BE PATIENT!!!

[1853dave]

Right! Thanks!

[1853dave]

So, last night D9 calls me just to say hi. At some point I asked her if Mom knew she was on the phone - she told me that Mom told her to call me. I don't want D9 on the phone unless her Mom knows about it.

Anyway, I end up talking to W for a minute. She tells me that there is probably a Girl Scout meeting she takes D9 to on Wednesday nights, and would I like to have some time with D4 during that time. Usually D4 just tags along... Also, I normally wouldn't see the girls again until Thursday... Unlike needing me for babysitting, she seems to be going out of her way (a little bit) to allow me time with D4 on a day I normally wouldn't see her.

Last time we did this (weeks ago) I took D4 to a playground at an outdoor mall - after GS meeting, W and D9 came by to join us for about 20 or 30 minutes.

It's a nice gesture on her part. I don't want to read too much into this (I know, Puppy Dog warns me about this). But, I am putting this out there because I want to know how I should handle this.

I know I am supposed to make myself scarce, not accept all invitations, etc.... But, I really want to accept any time that I can get with my kids. Am I doing the right thing by accepting this offer?

[1853dave]

Turns out the GS meeting was postponed due to snow. It will be held tomorrow evening.

W called me to give me the update. She still cheerfully uphelp her offer. I told her I could probably make it.

[1853dave]

Oops, I have a meeting with my DB counselor tonight, so I can't have D4 during the Girl Scout meeting. Too bad, I'd like to play with D4, but I will tomorrow anyway.

I guess that makes me 'unavailable'. W doesn't know what my plans are tonight, just that I have somewhere I need to be around 6:00.

Tonight at DB counseling, we're going to regroup and plan what to do from here. I'm going alone, of course....

[1853dave]

OK, it's been a few days...

DB Counseling went well - was there by myself. W doesn't know I went. The DB counselor and I re-evaluated things, she pointed out things that she observed the W doing during the last session (where she dropped the bomb again). She said that W was paying attention when I was really trying to emotionally connect with her, and was acting aloof as I was trying to convince her to reconsider her decision to continue with the divorce. So, obviously, no trying to "convince" her of changing her mind (at least not verbally), and no pressuring her or cornering her. Even when discussing non-relationship things, trying to word things carefully so as not to pressure her. That, and keep the upbeat attitude, the "as if" attitude, and doing things that seem to produce positive results.

Also, continue to do GAL, and do my own thing. I started swimming. I normally run a lot, and visit the gym for weight training maybe 4 times a week. I can swim, but swimming has been my weak point. So, I thought I'd try to improve my swimming. Also am looking into joining a pilates class, or maybe even yoga - yoga would be a real 180 for me, as it seems more meditative and spiritual than I would normally outwardly be. Besides, I am willing to try something new, especially if it helps me deal with the stresses of life. Additionally, it will put me with people, which would be a change for me, as I usually run alone, or go to the gym alone (it is a gym at work, not a public one).

So, I found out just the other day that W's last day of school is tomorrow (!) - apparently part time students finish school sooner in the year. That will probably change things...but I am not sure how. Right now, her school schedule dictated much of the visiting time I would have with my daughters...such as tomorrow, on her last day (she has finals), I will have D4 all day, and pick up D9 after school. Since W will be done with school, will I still be doing Mondays with D4, and working Saturdays, or will the schedule change? I suspect my schedule with the kids will change, since I agreed to watch the girls during her school times. This could work out better for me time wise...maybe. I mentioned last week that we need to take time sometime to talk about things (I was thinking about my times with the girls and the new schedule) and W said, "Well, maybe we could take some time again like we did when we went to the coffee shop. Let me get through this weekend and school first, and then I'll have more time to plan things...." When we went to the coffee shop that time, it was as a "date" - we had a nice time, discussing nothing in particular. I'm not sure if she had this in mind or not. Well, I'll let her tell me when she's ready to do this. No pressure, right?

Of course, I'm hopeful that now she might have time to devote to working on us, or herself...but I also think that's rather dreamy. Who knows, I am not counting on it. Certainly, something is going to change soon, since she is going to be done with school until the fall.

The DB counselor says that it is typical for a spouse to be ambivalent at this stage, and from a few things that happened last week since dropping the bomb, she feels that W fits this too. I hope so. I hope W doesn't see this extra time as time to forge on ahead with the big "D"...

Tomorrow - W is in school, I will have D4 for the day, and pick up D9 after her school. When I am in the presence of W, I will be continuing to act "as if"...

You know, we STILL get a long SO well, and we're friendly with each other....