WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[MrBond]

Of course enjoy your time, but there is going to be a point where you're going to compromise even if you don't want to in order to reach your larger goal.

Don't go back to being your old self. The one she thought was selfish. Show her you're a bigger man then that.

And again you're looking at the timeline again. I can tell you're getting a anxious about all this, but the two weeks will come and go. But she was a little open about postponing the D. So you have to take the good with the bad.

It is not the end of the world even though it might seem like it now. Your R can and will be saved. You just have to be a little more flexible. We all can see it.

[confusedinpa]

I would be lying to say I was disappointed, but she didn't bring up the parenting agreement tonite

My oldest and I got home a little later than normal as we went for our scheduled haircuts (we were 1 week overdue). My wife wound up getting home late as well due to traffic so dinner wasn't ready yet. I just asked if ehat she had planned as she was upstairs (our youngest just finished going to the bathroom).

She told me so I went downstairs to get dinner started. She came down and asked if I needed to take a shower after the haircut (I normally do). She said she had gotten very clammy since it was cold and damp so she felt like she needed one. I told her I was good (even though she knew I had gone to the gym right before the haircut as well) so she could take her shower and I'll take care of dinner

She finsihed her shower and we chatted lightly in the kitchen as I made dinner. My oldest needed some powder for a rash so I went out to get it as my wife finished making dinner. I got home as dinner was ready. We ate and chatted lightly.

She had made drinks for us (martini for her and captain morgan/coke for me). She seemed really tired, I tried to be upbeat and ask her about her day. She complained about her feet and legs from her worn heels. I said that if she wanted, I could give her a foot massage. She said perhaps later.

After dinner I suggested we go to baskin robins (her favorite) for dessert - something I would never suggest, but would go reluctantly when she pressed the issue.

We got home and while the kids watched video, I finally took my shower. After we put the kids to bed, I expected her to ask about the parenting agreement. She wound up sitting on the love seat. I sat on the counch. She looked over at me and asked how will I be able to give her a massage from there. I asked did she want one? She said yes, so I gave her a foot and leg massage. She thanked me and said she was going to bed. I didn't try to give her a hug or kiss. It was odd, I didn't want to. I would have though if she initiated.

[MrBond]

CIPA,

I think you're in a down period. Your post is definitely not as lively as in the past few days. I think the talk the other night about custody knocked the wind out of your sails.

Well pick yourself up and look at the bright side. One of the last things she told you was that she would think about postponing the D. That's great news and right now it seems like she's acting on that.

Hang in there.

[confusedinpa]

This is what I was going to say about the parenting agreement, let me know your thoughts/feedback

I do respect how you feel about this as I'm sure you respect how I feel about it as well. I'm sure we both have the best interest of the kids in mind. I have given a lot of thought about the 50/50 parenting agreement you suggested. I think our parenting time schedule should be where the boys will be with me starting with breakfast Sat, Sun and Mon and you will pick them up from school/daycare for Tues, Weds, and Thurs. We will alternate every Friday (picking them up from school/daycare).

I was debating to mention something about each of us taking the time and space to heal our hurt and our issues. I'm still trying to figure out how to really phrase that part. Any suggestions?

[confusedinpa]

I think you're in a down period. Your post is definitely not as lively as in the past few days. I think the talk the other night about custody knocked the wind out of your sails.

Stuck808,

Thanks for the encouragement. It has been a pretty blah day. Nothing too eventful for the positive. I did have a good session with my therapisy and she helped me think through what I really want for a parenting agreement (I really like PMA-Baby!'s phrase). We also had talked about how I felt about my wife. It was a little disturbing as I'm getting worried about how I'm starting to feel now that my wife keeps rejecting me.

I had found it hard to believe how my wife could just fall out of love. I didn't understand how it is possible, but I'm worred it may be happening to me

I'm not sure if my therapist is working this to prepare me in case the divorce happens or at least ease the transition to being alone again (50% of the time).

That's another reason why I'm feeling so blah.

Has anyone else run into the emotional conflict while DB'ing? Or is this really detachment?

[confusedinpa]

Well pick yourself up and look at the bright side. One of the last things she told you was that she would think about postponing the D. That's great news and right now it seems like she's acting on that.

Hang in there.

Just wanted to be clear, she's not considering pausing the 24 month filing clock on the divorce. That time is running

What she said she would consider is to delay any other divorce related legal matters until she has taken some time to heal and think things through to make sure she's not making a mistake. The thought process is not to have anything else distract/hurt that process. I had thought about reminding her about what she said but not sure about that. Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

It was an uneventful morning so far.

She woke me up as normal. I asked how if she slept ok - she had some hives/rash break out on her face last nite after we got back from baskin robins. She had gotten back up about 45 minutes after she went to bed at 9:15. I was still in the family room. At first I thought she was coming back down to talk about the parenting agreement. She came down for some anti-itch cream/lotion, but she seemed pretty wide awake.

I had commented about how I thought she looked like she had gotten a second wind when she came back down. She said she did, but said she managed to fall back asleep. She said it was still itchy, but getting better. I think she's getting stressed, her body reacts when she's stressed. She had a rash break out under her armpits on Monday before we got to counseling - I presume as a result of the rough weekend with my mom visiting.

When she gets to those points, I do try to be compassionate and say "That looks uncomfortable" or "That looks itchy" or "Ouch" or "Awwww, that looks pretty bad" or "Oh no! Not again!" and I follow up with "Is there anything that I can do to make it feel better (or help)?" I've been torn on this wheter it's being compassionate or am I being enabling - helping her get through the stress so she can walk right out my life. Any thoughts?

We chatted briefly about some light stuff (i.e. weather, what the kids were doing, etc.). She didn't seem really tired, it did seem like something was bothering her. I'm sure it's related to the parenting agreement. I'd appreciate if anyone has any feedback/thoughts on what I had posted about how I was going to tell her about my thoughts on the parenting agreement.

Thanks for everyone's support

[PMA_Baby!]

I do respect how you feel about this as I'm sure you respect how I feel about it as well. I'm sure we both have the best interest of the kids in mind. I have given a lot of thought about the 50/50 parenting agreement you suggested. I think our parenting time schedule should be where the boys will be with me starting with breakfast Sat, Sun and Mon and you will pick them up from school/daycare for Tues, Weds, and Thurs. We will alternate every Friday (picking them up from school/daycare).

I was debating to mention something about each of us taking the time and space to heal our hurt and our issues. I'm still trying to figure out how to really phrase that part. Any suggestions?

I'm not sure about this schedule. You need to have time for yourself to GAL on the weekends during this process. Having the kids every Sat. and Sun. might be too much for you after awhile . Which could lead to more resentment.

The schedule that my former spouse and I came up with was; she would have her Sun night, Mon, Tues I would have her Wed Thurs. Then we rotated weekends. That schedule got too difficult for me because I would not see my daughter for 5 days from Fri - Tues. So we then started rotating days. I would have her Mon, Tues and then she would have her Wed, Thurs and then I would have her that weekend Fri-Sun night. Then we'd switch and she'd hv her Mon, tues then that next wkend. But, that schedule got tough as well keeping tract of days so now we are on another set schedule where I have her Tues and Thurs and every other weekend. She has her Mon Wed and every other wkend. She has been keeping her overnight on Sun which I might try switching. The bottom line is any schedule u come up w it sux because yr not always w yr kids but we have to accept where there at and the life they are choosing.

Now back to your sitch. I think you should start out my validating where she's at by saying that you think for now it would be best for both of us to have our seperate living arrangements. You have said that you are still hurting which I totally understand and need to have your own space to heal. I personally feel the same way and would like to have my space and time as well (This will take some power away from her and let her know that u have feelings as well and this is NOT just about her). I would then go on to say so I think we can agree on the following schedule. What do u think? And then compromise... Validate.... Empathize...

You might even say that the kids are very lucky to have such great loving and caring parents that want nothing but the best for them. In order to be at our best we need to both be strong and not hurting. Sometimes it's necessary to be alone to work on these issues and to learn to really appreciate all that God has blessed us with.

Good Luck. B

[Coach]

Has anyone else run into the emotional conflict while DB'ing?

The reason you see her differently now is because she is hurting you. The woman you hold in such high regard and love is trampling on your heart. It's "normal" to look at her now and feel like "ILYBNILWY." You have to realize she is months to years ahead of you on this curve. You already have trampled on her heart for her to get to this point.
It is a form of detachment but use it to gain understanding and insight. It won't last forever. The positive, loving feelings all come back but you must pass thru the stages - friendship to courtship first.
Cheers

[confusedinpa]

I can see how having them every weekend could be a potential issue longer term. I'm approaching this with respect that for now, my kids are my primary focus. I can get a life during the week - i.e. go to the gym, out with friends, read, etc. I will still have every other Friday nite as well.

Personally I would suspect she will push back on not having any weekends with the kids. I'm not 100% certain though as she very rarely goes with the kids and I to the park or any of those types of outdoor kid playtime activities. Then I would compromise Sat where instead of breakfast on Sat, it will be lunch or dinner. Another compromise position would be that she would get 1 Sat every 4 weeks. I'm just trying to ask for more than what I would be happy with and compromise from there.

I was trying to minimize the number of "moves" that the kids make in a week (particularly during the school week) and make it as consistent as possible.

I was also planning on doing what Stuck had done in his situation where when he picked up his kids from his wife, he would always extend an offer to join them. I'm not sure if that would be pursuing, but it would be genuinely how I would feel.

Coincidentally, our marriage counselor on Monday nite said something similar with respect to how we are both hurting. She had said to my wife and I, that this space could help us both heal our hurt she sees we both have. She said that would be a genuine loving act is to recognize each other's hurt.

My wife has been unusually quiet today with respect to chatting in the morning and text/email messages. I know not to pursue or initiate. It still is tough though, but I know it's something I need to get used to. I'm tempted to change my phone "homepage" picture back to the picture of the kids (I switched it to a pic of the 2 of us that she sent me right after she told me she filed). Everytime I look at my phone, I'm reminded of her and it hurts....

I don't like where we are at in our relationship, nor the entire situation, nor do I agree with her decisions but do accept this is where we are at right now. I really don't understand why all she has told her mom and other close friends is that we are in a tough spot and she will be moving out soon. I suspect that it's to maintain the "victim" role/appearance and show that she is still trying to work things out. But I know I can't jump in her head to guess, nor should is it worth the effort to find out why. It will not help the situation.

I do know that I can be happy because I will chose to be.

Thanks for all the help, encouragement and support