He texted me today, it said "we need to talk about divorce, when's a good time?" I replied, "Sounds good. How about tomorrow when I get out of work?" He hasn't responded.
I don't know what to do! I wanted to say, how about never? How do I keep to my DBing when all I want to do is beg him to reconsider and not to go through with it. I know, that's probably the worst thing I can do. So, what should I say? How should I handle this? Is it a good idea to say something like, this is not what I want but I'm not going to stand in your way? I seriously need some advice. I don't want to screw this up and make things worse. I want to leave him thinking that he's not doing the right thing. How do I do that?
Spouses want somebody who wants them...they don't want somebody who needs them. I told my wife, after telling me that she was thinking about divorce, "A divorce is not what I want for us. Not now, not ever. Never have. Now, more than ever, I am irrevocably committed to you and our marriage."
I also validated her feelings by saying "Incidentally, I can understand why you would not care about me anymore and be thinking about divorce after living with the 'old me' all those years."
Continue to pray, study, learn, and work on yourself. Don't beg. It's not attractive at all. It's a mistake to do it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm not going to beg. It's not only a mistake, but it makes me seem desperate which I'm not. I want to leave a good impression but still show him that I want to stay married and am commited to our marriage. How do i do that without falling into my old crying and pleading ways?
Tell him that you don't want a divorce for you guys. Tell him that you don't want one now or never. Tell him that you never have wanted one. Tell him that you're more committed now to him and your marriage than ever before.
But...you have to validate his feelings also. If he wants one...just tell him that you know he wants one. That's validation.
Simply don't cry or plead. Mean what you say.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
So if i just stay calm and tell him what I think in a matter of fact way and follow it up with understanding of where he's coming from I'll be ok? Do I just tell him that if this is what he wants I'm not going to stand in his way? It feels like I'm giving up. I don't understand how this is going to help me. Maybe I'm just talking out of fear here . . .
Don't tell him that if this is what he wants you're not going to stand in his way! You are not giving up. Do stay calm and tell him what you think and follow it up with understanding of where he's coming from. It is scarey! The only thing we have control over right now is ourselves. Maintain it! We have no power over our spouses or how they feel. We can only validate how they feel, and also let them know how we feel. God bless you and your marriage.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Antlers has some good advice, but I'm not real hot on the idea about professing undying love and devotion when you talk to him. That kind of talk can very easily be viewed as pursuing behavior, and the one thing that turns off a WAS is the thought that you are pursuing.
In fact, unless he asks what you want, I would probably not say anything. As antlers suggests, just validate his feelings; make direct eye contact when he talks to you. Listen and affirm. He will probably say some very scary things. Be prepared to talk about a D, finances, the kids, living arrangments, everything! Try to prepare for the discussion by imagining the conversation and the different avenues that it can take. This kind of thing takes nerves of steel! Don't break down, don't cry, and don't get over-emotional: you can do this!
You are not giving up on your marriage; banish that thought from your mind. Instead, what you are doing is a very crafty, clever technique to attract your H back to you! It 'feels' counter-intuitive, I know, but it really does work! Pull back and detach (not give up or surrender) and let time work for you. As you work on yourself and your kids, your H is going to start having doubts, and those doubts will build up as he sees you going about your life and making things better for yourself! You will look better and feel better, and in return, your H will start pursuing you. That is the essence of DB'ing.
You are in a hard place right now, no doubt about it. You have your own determination, the love and support of your family, and this rag-tag community of well-wishers in your corner. You can do this!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I don't have an atty yet. I was naively hoping it wouldn't get to that point. My mother is a legal secretary so I'm going to talk to her about meeting with someone on Tuesday. I don't know what he wants to talk about regarding divorce, but it's the first time he's wanted to talk about anything regarding the relationship. I feel like it'll be beneficial to me to hear what he has to say so that I have some direction. At this point I know nothing of what caused him to leave other than he can't be around me. Maybe this will give me some sort of insight. It's all just so confusing.
I don't know what to do! I wanted to say, how about never? How do I keep to my DBing when all I want to do is beg him to reconsider and not to go through with it. I know, that's probably the worst thing I can do. So, what should I say? How should I handle this? Is it a good idea to say something like, this is not what I want but I'm not going to stand in your way? I seriously need some advice. I don't want to screw this up and make things worse. I want to leave him thinking that he's not doing the right thing. How do I do that?